Feeling oddly tense tonight. It almost feels like I am about to get some shocking news. I shouldn�t terrify myself with those kinds of thoughts.

Saturday, I went up to NYC, and saw my friend�s new condo. God, it�s so gorgeous. I wasn�t expecting it to be as big and beautiful as it is. Marble floors, granite countertops, 3-bedroom, 2-full baths.

Saturday night, we did the usual hanging out in soho, eating too much good food. We watched a gig of a friend of his. It was one of their better shows. I had short a crush on the lead guitarist.

While the previous act was on, I was waiting for their set near the bar. I recognized the lead guitarist from being at previous gigs (I always thought was cute), when he walked up to the bar.

I watched him, not expecting him to see or notice me, but he did. He did a total double-take when he saw me. He kept looking at me while he was talking to his band mate. I assumed he must have recognized me from previous shows, as impossible as that would be. I was never introduced to him, and it�s been more than 6 months since I�ve been to one of their shows.

During their set, I sat right up front, next to my friend that they all knew. Not a single band member could possibly miss me. He never looked at me once from stage, but during the entire show, he mostly had a totally glazed over I-can�t-see-anything-in-this-world look about him. After the show, when I was talking to the lead singer, guitar-man completely ignored me. Well! That was a short-lived crush.

Anyway, after staying in the guestroom of that lovely condo, I came home today. I felt pretty off once I got home. I did my grocery shopping and some light housework. Later, I had a conversation with David about Mr Crush.

Like H, it�s like he doesn�t want to know, but he has to ask, anyway. I don�t know if, like H, he�ll completely fall off the face of the planet just because I�m merely insanely obsessed someone else. I hope not.

I didn�t want to go into too much detail about it. It made me uncomfortable. I was more comfortable discussing it with H, when it came up, but H and I have known each other for much longer and I feel much closer to him.

I�d hate to stomp all over someone�s feelings, I really do, but I honestly can�t figure out why he likes me to begin with. It could be the same inexplicable devotion that I have to Mr Crush (Who�s name should really be changed to something more appropriate, but whatever, I�ll go with it.), but that seems unlikely to me.

At this moment in time, I�m fully prepared to go the rest of my life pining for someone who has no intention of ever liking me back. Is David fully prepared to do that for me? I highly doubt it. Does it even matter? I don�t know.

I know that times change. People change their minds; people get on with their lives. I seem to be unique in my insane devotion to whoever happens to be standing in front of me at a random moment when I feel like falling in love.

I talked to him tonight, though. Just briefly. He�s stressed out and busy, again. I�m stressed out and busy, myself.

I really wanted to take this weekend for myself. I don�t mean complete isolation or anything like that. I just wanted to let myself stop worrying about things for awhile.

It�s been semi-successful, here and there. I only mentioned Mr Crush once to my friend last night, and it was late in the evening. He did get the �if I hear you say that name one more time, I�m going to strangle you� look on his face, though.

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