I bet you all saw it coming. All those ego-driven entries, we knew that trouble was on the horizon.

Iíve been really messed up, lately. I could blame it on the weather or any number of environmental factors, but we all know that Iím just a messed up girl.

Anyway, I like to delete things. I often feel like my past is weighing me down, and sometimes destroying evidence of the past is the only way I can move forward. Iím pretty comfortable with destroying things Iíve created. Itís probably for the best, since I donít like worldly attachment much. I donít like displays of ego much either, especially in myself, so itís better just to get rid of it all.

I know that because of this that I end up not forming any attachments at all, and I know this isnít particularly healthy, either.

I donít really think deleting two years of useless entries is irrational, nor deleting the two years before that or the two years before thatÖ you get the idea. I consider it my half-hearted attempt at staying a step ahead of the metacrawlers for one.

The only thing that bothers me is that I accidentally deleted that entry about the man I met in Target a week or so ago. I meant to keep that one.

Iíll have to write it down somewhere.

I suppose thereís a possibility that thereís absolutely nothing wrong with me and the things I struggle with are the exact same things that everyone else struggles with. For the most part, I believe this. I have to go to work just like everyone else. I have a family that annoys me, just like anyone else, except, I went a step further and just refuse contact with them.

This past week, Iíve been very anxious. The problem has to do with virtual reality. When I say that Iíve spent an inordinate amount of time on the internet, Iím not kidding. Thereís a reason that I type over 100 words per minute. Itís because my total login time is counted in years.

So, I logged into second life earlier this week. I donít think thereís any real problem with second life itself. Itís just a graphics-heavy talker, as far as Iím concerned. I donít need to see an avatar typing in the air to have an online conversation. I can do it easier in a text based reality. As a matter of fact, I find the whole graphics interface really awkward. I donít like applications where you need to use the mouse.

But, anyway, like I said, Iíve been back on my computer, lately. This past year, Iíd been moving away from it, but the past few weeks, Iíve been back. It hasnít been healthy at all. The internet has significantly changed the course of my life. Even though, there are tangible changes that can be seen and measured (the fast typing is the least of it), the only thing that I can really count as a negative is intangible.

It really separates me from reality, which is a problem because most people believe in reality, but I donít really believe in it.

I think itís just another delusion, like a virtual world, except based on biotechnology.

I guess it doesnít matter. I could save myself a lot of grief is I just accepted that reality is reality, just like everyone else.

So many times, especially in the past, Iíve really thought that it doesnít matter what my actions are, because this isnít real, anyway. Regardless of what I do, I do seem pretty bound by the rules of physics, which means, believing in it or not, Iím stuck here.

Now, I think itís pretty evident as to why hanging out on my computer has been so unhealthy.

Maybe thatís why I feel like anything anecdotal is another display of egotism. Admittedly, most human beings are attracted to story-telling, and story-listening, too. I enjoy literature quite a bit, I read a lot, but literature has a point, whereas, in reality, if someone tells an anecdotal story about themselves, itís just something that happened, with no point. Yet, weíre all attracted to it. So strange.

Anyway, apparently a lot of people had very significant and noteworthy Thanksgivings, because diaryland is currently too overloaded for me to add this entry. The time is now 1:26 AM, November 24, 2006.

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Friday, Nov. 24, 2006 at 1:26 AM