I bet you all saw it coming. All those ego-driven entries, we knew that trouble was on the horizon.

I�ve been really messed up, lately. I could blame it on the weather or any number of environmental factors, but we all know that I�m just a messed up girl.

Anyway, I like to delete things. I often feel like my past is weighing me down, and sometimes destroying evidence of the past is the only way I can move forward. I�m pretty comfortable with destroying things I�ve created. It�s probably for the best, since I don�t like worldly attachment much. I don�t like displays of ego much either, especially in myself, so it�s better just to get rid of it all.

I know that because of this that I end up not forming any attachments at all, and I know this isn�t particularly healthy, either.

I don�t really think deleting two years of useless entries is irrational, nor deleting the two years before that or the two years before that� you get the idea. I consider it my half-hearted attempt at staying a step ahead of the metacrawlers for one.

The only thing that bothers me is that I accidentally deleted that entry about the man I met in Target a week or so ago. I meant to keep that one.

I�ll have to write it down somewhere.

I suppose there�s a possibility that there�s absolutely nothing wrong with me and the things I struggle with are the exact same things that everyone else struggles with. For the most part, I believe this. I have to go to work just like everyone else. I have a family that annoys me, just like anyone else, except, I went a step further and just refuse contact with them.

This past week, I�ve been very anxious. The problem has to do with virtual reality. When I say that I�ve spent an inordinate amount of time on the internet, I�m not kidding. There�s a reason that I type over 100 words per minute. It�s because my total login time is counted in years.

So, I logged into second life earlier this week. I don�t think there�s any real problem with second life itself. It�s just a graphics-heavy talker, as far as I�m concerned. I don�t need to see an avatar typing in the air to have an online conversation. I can do it easier in a text based reality. As a matter of fact, I find the whole graphics interface really awkward. I don�t like applications where you need to use the mouse.

But, anyway, like I said, I�ve been back on my computer, lately. This past year, I�d been moving away from it, but the past few weeks, I�ve been back. It hasn�t been healthy at all. The internet has significantly changed the course of my life. Even though, there are tangible changes that can be seen and measured (the fast typing is the least of it), the only thing that I can really count as a negative is intangible.

It really separates me from reality, which is a problem because most people believe in reality, but I don�t really believe in it.

I think it�s just another delusion, like a virtual world, except based on biotechnology.

I guess it doesn�t matter. I could save myself a lot of grief is I just accepted that reality is reality, just like everyone else.

So many times, especially in the past, I�ve really thought that it doesn�t matter what my actions are, because this isn�t real, anyway. Regardless of what I do, I do seem pretty bound by the rules of physics, which means, believing in it or not, I�m stuck here.

Now, I think it�s pretty evident as to why hanging out on my computer has been so unhealthy.

Maybe that�s why I feel like anything anecdotal is another display of egotism. Admittedly, most human beings are attracted to story-telling, and story-listening, too. I enjoy literature quite a bit, I read a lot, but literature has a point, whereas, in reality, if someone tells an anecdotal story about themselves, it�s just something that happened, with no point. Yet, we�re all attracted to it. So strange.

Anyway, apparently a lot of people had very significant and noteworthy Thanksgivings, because diaryland is currently too overloaded for me to add this entry. The time is now 1:26 AM, November 24, 2006.

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