My hair has a ton of volume. When I got it cut, I had it layered and since then, I�ve actually been taking 5 minutes or so to do something with my hair in the mornings.

This morning, I ended up with a more 1940s inspired looking thing that decided to grow with the humidity and now my hair looks like it should�ve been on the catwalk back when big hair was in, which is silly, considering that I�m wearing a fleece hoodie and jeans (it�s Friday).

The styling of my hair, lately, has merely been a novelty. I really enjoy anything cosmetics related, so any excuse to buy another product (or three) is fine with me.

Anyway, now I�m sitting here far too aware of my hair. I�m probably going to give myself a neck ache from looking in the mirror so much.

Last night, while I was meditating, I realized that my anxiety is related to feeling very lost, lately. It�s not quite the same as feeling lonely, but more feeling like I don�t belong anywhere. Maybe this is still a bit related to my brother�s current situation. He�s mentioned feeling directionless, lately.

I�ve always felt a bit like I was on the fringes of society and not really fitting in, and in the past, I was able to remedy that by having a relationship. It gave me a place to be. It gave me a role to be in.

If it bothers me to not have it, then I wonder a lot about why I�m going out of my way to avoid it?

I really hate giving the �I�m not looking for a relationship right now� speech. I�m not sure why, I just find it lame, and I find the whole thing really awkward. But, I still find it�s a necessity.

Again, it goes back to my concern that I�m just incapable of forming a connection with a normal person. Normal people really do have their advantages. They don�t try and kill you, for one.

But normal people� oh, I don�t know. There�s some kind of narrow-mindedness, some limitation in thinking. I can�t quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it�s just the people I�ve met. I�ve been pretty sheltered inside of relationships for most of my adult life, so it�s all still a learning process.

None of that is really significant, though. The idea is obviously for me to figure out the world and my place in it without the aid of a relationship.

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Friday, Jan. 05, 2007 at 12:15 PM