My hair has a ton of volume. When I got it cut, I had it layered and since then, Iíve actually been taking 5 minutes or so to do something with my hair in the mornings.

This morning, I ended up with a more 1940s inspired looking thing that decided to grow with the humidity and now my hair looks like it shouldíve been on the catwalk back when big hair was in, which is silly, considering that Iím wearing a fleece hoodie and jeans (itís Friday).

The styling of my hair, lately, has merely been a novelty. I really enjoy anything cosmetics related, so any excuse to buy another product (or three) is fine with me.

Anyway, now Iím sitting here far too aware of my hair. Iím probably going to give myself a neck ache from looking in the mirror so much.

Last night, while I was meditating, I realized that my anxiety is related to feeling very lost, lately. Itís not quite the same as feeling lonely, but more feeling like I donít belong anywhere. Maybe this is still a bit related to my brotherís current situation. Heís mentioned feeling directionless, lately.

Iíve always felt a bit like I was on the fringes of society and not really fitting in, and in the past, I was able to remedy that by having a relationship. It gave me a place to be. It gave me a role to be in.

If it bothers me to not have it, then I wonder a lot about why Iím going out of my way to avoid it?

I really hate giving the ďIím not looking for a relationship right nowĒ speech. Iím not sure why, I just find it lame, and I find the whole thing really awkward. But, I still find itís a necessity.

Again, it goes back to my concern that Iím just incapable of forming a connection with a normal person. Normal people really do have their advantages. They donít try and kill you, for one.

But normal peopleÖ oh, I donít know. Thereís some kind of narrow-mindedness, some limitation in thinking. I canít quite put my finger on it.

Maybe itís just the people Iíve met. Iíve been pretty sheltered inside of relationships for most of my adult life, so itís all still a learning process.

None of that is really significant, though. The idea is obviously for me to figure out the world and my place in it without the aid of a relationship.

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Friday, Jan. 05, 2007 at 12:15 PM