This has been a miserable morning.

Last night, I got bad news about the cat that had once been my cat, but now lives with my ex-husband. I completely flipped out and got hysterical about it. This is the first time Iíve been hysterical about anything in years, I think.

I hate being in a state where my emotions are in control of me, rather than the other way around.

So, anyway, I was up late last night sobbing uncontrollably and this morning my eyes are so puffy and achy that I can barely use them. Iíve had a lot of water, but Iím still dehydrated and I have the monster headache that comes along with dehydration.

This morning, Iím almost as upset about my hysteria than the news itself. I know that there are times that weíll stumble and fall. We have no choice but to learn from it and move on, but I still hate screwing up.

Iím waiting for more news after she visits the vet. So, perhaps there is nothing wrong and all of this is for nothing.

Maybe I just donít meditate enough, I donít know.

This morning, I keep thinking that if Iíd had some kind of warning, then I could have avoided the situation by just not logging onto my computer last night. The thing is, I did have warning. My intuition was flashing warning signs all over the place. It was doing everything but the Irish jig to get my attention, but because it had betrayed me not too long ago, I was ignoring it.

My mind and body are very inconsistent and itís turning into a huge inconvenience.

I just visited the bathroom and saw that I still have the red, puffy eye thing going on. Itís not terrible, but I just donít look like myself, especially since I skipped the mascara this morning in case I canít handle the truth that comes in from the vet.

I put on some bright lipstick that totally doesnít go with the light-pink top I have on, but this way, everyone who sees me will think, ďWhatís up with that bright lipstick?Ē Rather than, ďWhatís up with those red, puffy eyes?Ē Arenít I the tricky one?

Anyway, I know that being inconsistent is the human way to be. Iíve been teaching myself to accept it in others. It was almost impossible when I was younger, but without the ability to adapt to our environment, we wouldnít get very far.

Despite making strides in accepting the inconsistency of others, I still have a lot of trouble accepting it in myself.

Iíve been very right-brained, lately, and I think itís bringing up issues that spend most of their time in hibernation within me. Itís also making me bad at my job.

I think this may be the thing I needed to get me back on track, though. The tension had been building up within me, and the emotional explosion acted a bit like a release valve.

I donít understand why the emotional explosion was necessary, but it seems like there has got to be a better way around this.

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Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2007 at 10:43 AM