Tonight, I was meditating on my physicality because Iím tired of my ego being wrapped up with the body. I had managed to escape this before, but itís been creeping back, lately.

I do love my body, cherish it, maintain it and pamper it. Itís my only vehicle in this world and I only get one, so Iím going to take care of it.

The other thing about the body is that itís too easy to get it confused with myself. It is an extension of me, but it is not me.

Iíve been fortunate enough throughout my adult life to always have been treated as if I am beautiful.

I must qualify this by saying whether or not I actually am, is purely subjective and irrelevant to the entry. Also, since I have no control group, I have no idea if itís some kind of energy I might exude, just the exoticism of being bi-racial or if most people are just way nicer than I expect people to be.

There are the superficial lot who blather on about my looks, that is usually coupled with totally irrational behavior that I canít imagine they have towards anyone else, as well as the people who have actually said to me, ďYou are beautiful and yes, I do treat you differently because of it.Ē

In this position, I find it difficult to not let my ego get too wrapped up in the body. Itís a bad thing for me, but Iím not necessarily sure that it is a bad for everyone.

If I could just focus on being pretty and nothing else, then I wouldnít have to waste so much time loathing every other aspect of myself. But, I donít think that way. I think in terms of effort and skill, and I donít think it requires all that much skill for a woman to show up with the face she was given.

If I donít think that way, then why is it that I have a problem separating myself from it? I give it more value than it deserves. Maybe because I have gotten so much benefit from it.

Itís always bothered me that the accepted response to a compliment of ones appearance is ďThank you.Ē It makes more sense to say, ďYouíre welcome,Ē ďThank my parentsĒ or even ďThank nature.Ē Or something.

What am I thanking them for? For letting me know? Iíve heard the compliment a billion times before, if I havenít gotten it through my head by now, Iíve got other, more serious, problems. Oh, I usually donít actually embody that attitude. I do feel it is the most rational, but like I mentioned before, I donít always separate myself from the body as I would like to do.

I also realize that most people are being nice, and to them, this is a gift. For the most part, I see it for what it is. I understand the good will it is which it is intended. It doesnít really matter to me what someone gives me, as long as it is given in good will.

However, the very idea that somehow one person is given more value for mere appearances is pretty crazy. Iím tired of giving it significance. Iím tired of caring and Iím also really, really tired of dealing with superficial people.

Well, I needed to get that off my chest. Thank god for diaries. Iíll continue to meditate on this.

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Friday, Feb. 09, 2007 at 1:48 AM