I�m iced in today. This is slightly better than being snowed in because I think once it gets above freezing, most of the nasty stuff will be gone. I�m looking forward to Spring.

I have so many weird things moving around in my head, it�s a bit disturbing. I�ve always considered myself a compassionate person, and I�ve been doing a lot of exercises to promote compassion. The thing is, whenever I try and direct these feelings towards people that I would consider myself to be permanently mad at, my brain goes through a mini-revolt:

My brain: HIM? Are you kidding me?! You�re not going to waste your energy training yourself to be compassionate towards him.

Me: But aren�t we supposed to have compassion for everyone?

My brain: No, not towards people who have a history of hurting you. Why open yourself up for that again?

Me: Well, we don�t necessarily have to be best friends�

My brain: And you�re not going to be, because he�s a selfish, petty bastard.

Me: This will help me grow as a person.

My brain: Grow into what? There�s no relating to him unless you�re either letting him walk all over you or screaming at him. He�s poison, I tell you, poison!

Sigh.

No one likes to hang around people that make them feel lousy. When you have your defenses up all the time, it makes you skittish, tense, angry, among other bad things. You do that long enough, and it�s almost impossible to get out of that pattern.

I can�t go back to that.

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