Iím iced in today. This is slightly better than being snowed in because I think once it gets above freezing, most of the nasty stuff will be gone. Iím looking forward to Spring.

I have so many weird things moving around in my head, itís a bit disturbing. Iíve always considered myself a compassionate person, and Iíve been doing a lot of exercises to promote compassion. The thing is, whenever I try and direct these feelings towards people that I would consider myself to be permanently mad at, my brain goes through a mini-revolt:

My brain: HIM? Are you kidding me?! Youíre not going to waste your energy training yourself to be compassionate towards him.

Me: But arenít we supposed to have compassion for everyone?

My brain: No, not towards people who have a history of hurting you. Why open yourself up for that again?

Me: Well, we donít necessarily have to be best friendsÖ

My brain: And youíre not going to be, because heís a selfish, petty bastard.

Me: This will help me grow as a person.

My brain: Grow into what? Thereís no relating to him unless youíre either letting him walk all over you or screaming at him. Heís poison, I tell you, poison!

Sigh.

No one likes to hang around people that make them feel lousy. When you have your defenses up all the time, it makes you skittish, tense, angry, among other bad things. You do that long enough, and itís almost impossible to get out of that pattern.

I canít go back to that.

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Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2007 at 2:31 PM