It�s weird how I typically only feel like writing when I�m too tired to do my actual job. I had an absolutely horrible nightmare last night, and I�m intentionally not recalling it at the moment. I haven�t slept well all week.

I�ve been wanting to fill out email surveys more often, lately, and people have been conveniently sending them to me more often. I�ve been resisting the desire for the most part. I worry that it�s too much an exercise in egotism.

I�m not really all that obsessed with that subject of ego, despite the fact that I bring it up a lot here. I think I tend to think about it a lot when I am about to write about myself, whether it be here or in an internet questionnaire.

However, I think that over the past few weeks I�ve been subconsciously having low self-esteem.

I say this for a couple of reasons.

The first is that a week or so ago, someone asked me to illustrate a children�s book. I jumped at the opportunity, not because I thought I�d be good at it, but because I thought it would be fun. I wasn�t really thinking much about the possibility of publication. The other day, I showed the author my work so far, and she fell over with delight over it. The weird thing is that the only reason I showed her was because I had decided that I couldn�t waste anymore time on something that she wouldn�t like, and showing her would put an end to the project.

I felt so much happier and content with myself afterwards. I hadn�t even realized that I was craving someone to give me encouragement; encouragement for anything, really.

Secondly, I decided to be more involved at my Buddhist organization. The president emailed me today to thank me and let me know how much appreciated and valuable my ideas are.

It�s not even so much that it makes me feel better about myself, but its encouraging to know that my energy can be put to good use; mainly, that my effort can be used for something other than beating the crap out of someone in karate. Because, you know, a good jump spin-kick isn�t all that practical these days.

I wouldn�t tell the author of that book, but I honestly don�t care about making a cent off of my illustrations, as long as it touches someone�s life in a positive way.

It�s weird, though. Here I am, I�ve got a million things going for me, yet, I still worry that my efforts can�t be put to good use? That�s rather irrational, but I�m sure it goes back to my parents.

My dad really hurt my feelings over the weekend, and he�s continuing to be disrespectful through the week. I thought I was over taking his actions personally, but I think it was bothering me on a subconscious level. I talked to my brother about it, and his response was to think of our father as a dog that pees on the rug because he just doesn�t know any better.

That�s the thing about parents, though. We�re born craving their love and approval. After you learn you�re never ever going to get it, how long does it take before you stop wanting it?

Over the weekend, I also realized how lonely I am. I usually keep myself too busy or too lost in thought to notice it. I often forget to make the effort to establish connections with people for my own sake. I communicate regularly with a lot of people, but it�s rare for me to feel completely open and connected with them.

As time has gone on, and the more hurts I�ve built up, the more I�ve shut myself off from other people. I even struggle and argue with myself over it. �Be more open!� �I can�t! I can�t! It�s too scary!�

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Wednesday, Mar. 21, 2007 at 2:43 PM