The past couple of weeks, Iíve been tired. Not just a bit sleepy, but downright exhausted.
I thought it was just me, but last week someone in my karate class was hospitalized for exhaustion. Iím doing better now than I was a week ago. Iím less tired in class. Iíve built up a lot of muscle after my instructorís sudden maniacal desire to train us to death.
You know how important that is. You never know when weíll be invaded by a band of rogue ninjaís.
Over the weekend, I started to realize how far off track I have gone, as far as my peace of mind is concerned.
One thing is that Iím stressed out. I am starting my own business. Itís not been too much work yet, but itís been a lot of worry. On Saturday, my mouse stopped working, leaving me with the use of only my laptop. It does not have the necessary software installed (Iím supposed to be a programmer or something, remember). Yeah, I know Iíve talked about reinstalling the laptop, but that just hasnít happened.
On Sunday, I went and got myself a mouse and while I was at it, got a baby mouse for my laptop. After that, I was too tired and distracted to do my work. I went to meditation. It really took a lot out of me as I sat there and wrestled with my demons. I was probably causing a huge disturbance in The Force last night.
Iím not sure; Iím just too messed up, lately. I have one of those brains that needs strict discipline, or else Iím all over the place; insane.
Maybe I have a touch of mental illness or high-functioning something or other, or maybe Iím just stressed out because modern living is a stressful thing. Sometimes I think that karate is the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end.
Anyway, I guess my business partner is negotiating with a photographer for promotional pics. This is exciting because itís a step in the direction that I want to go, but simultaneously a little bit scary because I am most likely biting off more than I can chew, as I am planning to run this business while continuing to work full-time and still practice karate.
Iím falling into my old habit of worrying about problems that donít exist, yet and overcompensating like crazy. Itís sort of like worrying that I might not be able to weed my garden, so I hire the use of a caterpillar, just in case. It makes me feel better sometimes.
I do need to weed the one piece of dirt I own in front of my house. It has a pathetic looking azalea and some Japanese pines. I think the rain probably did them some good. Iím guessing the rain did the weeds some good, too, though.
My dad called me to talk about sending my mother to Japan. He suggested he might be the one to fly over with her. Since I was at the deli picking up my lunch, most of my responses were akin to something like, ďYeah, sure, sure, uh huhĒ knowing full well that the man will never get on a plane. Or, if he does, heíll be drunk the entire time, offending the entire staff and patrons of JAL that day, and making life a living hell for my brother and family once he arrives.
As for my mother, I think the last time she flew, she was not on a commercial flight and she likely needed to be handcuffed to a guard. So yes, the two of them together would make for an interesting flight, or a very good episode of some sit-com. Probably more like an Irish sit-com rather than an American one, which is good because I prefer Irish TV.
I donít know if the implication was that I should be the one flying with her. My brother had suggested it to me awhile ago, but I told him that there is no way in hell I would even tolerate a one hour flight next to her, let alone a flight to Japan. My brother probably explained that to him. I imagine that conversation went something like, ĒDo not bother Amy about this or else she will rip your head off.Ē Which is always good advice to give to my father if heís thinking about calling me.
Thank God for magical brotherís like mine who can deal with the parents so I donít have to.
I sound like Iím in fight or flight mode. Not that thereís any good reason for it. It was probably that lazy, nasally, Midwestern sigh of a voice my father has, wafting at me through the cell-tower. I was fine this morning.
Having any contact with either parent really puts me on edge. Just hearing them makes me feel like I need to break out the katana and crouch down in the corner. At this point, thatís a completely irrational response, and I am so lucky that I can avoid them if necessary.
It doesnít matter. Iím convinced life isnít real, anyway. Itís just a big game with a flesh and bone interface.
I just need a minute to chill out.
|Monday, Jun. 04, 2007 at 3:52 PM|