So, I started doing yoga about two hours ago and woke up not too long ago with yoga mat printed on my face.

I donít know why I am so tired, but it seems like I donít get enough rest. Maybe Iím getting old?

Last real conversation I had with Mr Crush, he told me that heís been more withdrawn than usual and itís been preventing him from getting close to anyone in Philadelphia. He didnít just happen to run into me online and just happened to tell me this. It was obvious that he sought me out just to tell me this.

Heís been really scarce, lately. So, I know heís withdrawn with at least one person in Philadelphia.

However, no matter how withdrawn he is, I bet Iím ten times worse. I canít figure it out, myself. Maybe itís some kind of fear, or maybe itís that I feel I canít really relate to anyone. Of course thatís not true, I can relate if I really try. A lot of times, I just donít want to try. Iím perfectly happy to come home and be alone with my yoga, my books, my computer. Other times, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I had some ice cream and now Iím having some green tea to wake me up so I can do yoga, like previously planned.

This morning, I visited this other sangha that he had introduced me to. There were a lot of people there and they were all very friendly.

While sitting there, I looked around the room, and I saw a strikingly handsome young man that Iíd never seen before. Thatís not a big deal, I see strikingly handsome young men that Iíve never seen before, often.

He seemed to have an asian way about him, but he was light-skinned. His hair was cut in the shaolin fashion, so I couldnít really tell what color it was. He had excellent posture, and he was the only person who did not move or change position throughout the entire service.

Maybe there was something calming about his demeanor, but he also had this unbelievable bone structure. I guess on some subconscious level, I assumed the he was half or even mostly asian, without thinking about it consciously.

I say this because after the dharma talk, we were split up into small groups, and I wasnít the least bit surprised when he ended up sitting right next to me in my group. However, I was very surprised when I saw him walking over, and even from halfway across the room, I could see the color of his eyes. They were intensely blue. They werenít overly pale or the least bit grey, but dark and bright blue and slightly slanty.

Closer up, he looked younger than I expected, skin was faintly yellowish. His eyebrows were light, almost blond.

Iíve never seen a half-Asian with blue eyes. They teach us in high school biology that brown is the dominant gene for eyes, and most asians have two brown genes to pass on (I donít know how accurate that is, Iím sure real genetics is a bit more complicated than that). None of this means anything, of course, except the fact that although those eyes were gorgeous, I was surprised and maybe a little disappointed that it meant it was less likely that he was another white/asian hybrid, like myself.

Iím not exactly sure, but he actually might be yellower than me. The weird thing is (and I have no idea if this means anything or not) but his freckles are shaped like mine and in the same sort of pattern. Only his are more prominent, Iím guessing because he probably doesnít wear SPF 45 every day. Itís only a little odd, I think, because I am 30, and I still have the kind of freckles that you might see on a 7 or 8 year old.

Generally speaking, out of all the white/asian hybrids that I know, I am the palest. To find another person with my genetic background would be pretty unusual in itself, to find one lighter than me would be extremely unusual.

So, maybe he is one quarter asian, or not asian at all, and itís my imagination working over time, looking for someone who might be like me. I donít mean it matters whether or not I share the same genetic background as someone else, but like any bi-racial person, Iíve always been a little bit stuck between two different cultures; youíre neither and both.

Since I am so pale (and honestly, itís not so not much my paleness that makes me different, as it is my reddish-brown very-wavy hair) it seems to be expected among most people that I should not embrace asian culture as fully as someone who looks fully asian. I know thatís completely illogical, but it seems to be my experience.

Today, my reddish-brown, very-wavy hair (which, I have enough to generously cover the heads of about 6 people) had not been washed, not to mention it was far too hot and humid this morning to even think about leaving it down, so it was back in a tight bun. Maybe I was looking more asian then usual.

He and I spoke briefly, he was very friendly. I wasnít overly friendly. It takes me awhile to warm up to people, unless theyíre Mr Crush, of course, but thatís a different story. I got the impression that he has a regular member of this sangha. So, the mystery may eventually be solved.

Also, I love looking at beautiful people.

0 comments so far

Saturday, Jun. 09, 2007 at 6:09 PM