Iíve been exhausting myself beyond recognition again. Tuesday night, I was coming home from karate and a storm knocked a gigantic tree down in the middle of my path. I was stuck there for over an hour and it was 11pm before I got home.
I was already tired on Tuesday. Wednesday, I was borderline inhuman with exhaustion.
Wednesday, I moped around the office and tried to stay awake. It was pretty quiet and Christian and I spent an inordinate amount of time chatting.
Wednesday evening, I came home and went directly to bed. Iíve been lucky that the weather has been poor this week, which has kept noisy people out of the park across the street from my house.
I fell asleep almost immediately, and I had a dream. While the dream in itself wasnít exceptionally disturbing, after I woke up, I dozed, in a half-asleep state, and became acutely aware that I was completely alone.
Iíve mentioned before that I often donít notice that Iím alone or if I do, Iím not bothered by it. However, it seems that more and more often Iíve been writing in here, ďI donít usually mind being alone, butÖĒ
Maybe Iím starting to meet the threshold for how long I can comfortably remain alone. Itís only been a little over a year, but thatís about a year longer than Iíve ever remained alone before.
My only concern regarding this is that it will drive me to make a stupid decision. My past is littered with stupid decisions. Iíve decided that Iím totally over that method of living; to do something stupid and have faith that it will work out, anyway.
I guess Iím feeling the western world crushing down on me. Itís not even just the western world, itís the eastern, too, and everything in between. How many cultures donít insist that a woman needs to belong to a man to have value?
It might be only the western world where I even have a fighting chance. But, itís not even so much that even matters to me. Despite the brain washing, Iím over that, too. I donít care that I donít fit in, because frankly, the standards weíre given to fit into, suck.
Itís something that goes deeper than socialization, or maybe, Iíve convinced myself itís deeper than socialization because I refuse to admit that I canít overcome every ounce of socialization thrust upon me.
Iíve really become bizarre. I donít even recognize myself anymore.
Iíve started to disdain the neediness in me that caused me so many problems in the past, so much to the extent that I donít even understand what is an acceptable level of neediness.
What is the purpose of shutting yourself from others so entirely that you can not possibly be a benefit to anyone?
|Thursday, Jun. 14, 2007 at 5:19 PM|