I�ve been exhausting myself beyond recognition again. Tuesday night, I was coming home from karate and a storm knocked a gigantic tree down in the middle of my path. I was stuck there for over an hour and it was 11pm before I got home.

I was already tired on Tuesday. Wednesday, I was borderline inhuman with exhaustion.

Wednesday, I moped around the office and tried to stay awake. It was pretty quiet and Christian and I spent an inordinate amount of time chatting.

Wednesday evening, I came home and went directly to bed. I�ve been lucky that the weather has been poor this week, which has kept noisy people out of the park across the street from my house.

I fell asleep almost immediately, and I had a dream. While the dream in itself wasn�t exceptionally disturbing, after I woke up, I dozed, in a half-asleep state, and became acutely aware that I was completely alone.

I�ve mentioned before that I often don�t notice that I�m alone or if I do, I�m not bothered by it. However, it seems that more and more often I�ve been writing in here, �I don�t usually mind being alone, but��

Hmmm.

Maybe I�m starting to meet the threshold for how long I can comfortably remain alone. It�s only been a little over a year, but that�s about a year longer than I�ve ever remained alone before.

My only concern regarding this is that it will drive me to make a stupid decision. My past is littered with stupid decisions. I�ve decided that I�m totally over that method of living; to do something stupid and have faith that it will work out, anyway.

I guess I�m feeling the western world crushing down on me. It�s not even just the western world, it�s the eastern, too, and everything in between. How many cultures don�t insist that a woman needs to belong to a man to have value?

It might be only the western world where I even have a fighting chance. But, it�s not even so much that even matters to me. Despite the brain washing, I�m over that, too. I don�t care that I don�t fit in, because frankly, the standards we�re given to fit into, suck.

It�s something that goes deeper than socialization, or maybe, I�ve convinced myself it�s deeper than socialization because I refuse to admit that I can�t overcome every ounce of socialization thrust upon me.

I�ve really become bizarre. I don�t even recognize myself anymore.

I�ve started to disdain the neediness in me that caused me so many problems in the past, so much to the extent that I don�t even understand what is an acceptable level of neediness.

What is the purpose of shutting yourself from others so entirely that you can not possibly be a benefit to anyone?

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