Iím getting tired of old ladies.

I know that sounds weird, but when youíre a woman and you work in the land of adults, that means youíre obligated to speak with old ladies. I donít mean age-wise. Itís more of a personality thing. Some of them are my age.

I seem to have the personality of a teenage boy. Anecdotes about the family pet, whatever frivolous item, who bought when and how much it was on sale, company politics, all of that bores the hell out of me.

The one nice thing about this situation is that it shows me exactly what I do not want to become.

Anyway, yes, I havenít been sleeping again. A few hours a night, and I lay there in a stupor, not really thinking, nor not really not thinking, either.

My business may actually be open for business soon, and maybe then, I can leave the old ladies behind.

They think Iím crazy, anyway, because I come to work covered in bruises from karate or that I hike in the woods for days and dozens of miles and write code during my free time. They canít even understand the concept of, ďI donít watch TV.Ē

Wednesday, I went to see a chiropractor and he fixed me right up. My back had been messed up for months, but it finally got to the point where I couldnít jump or kick very well, in karate.

My instructor was on the verge of not letting me practice and told me to go to a chiropractor. I did, and now Iím as good as new. The bone cracking was so pleasurable, it was almost sinful. Iím glad that his wife was in the room.

Itís nothing weird or anything, she is also a chiropractor at the same practice.

Listen to me, and Iím supposed to write a market letter today? I canít even form a complete thought.

Mr. Crush seems to have gone back to his old habit of being a workaholic. Iíd complain about it more if I wasnít guilty of the same thing, and way too exhausted to defend myself.

Iíve gone back and forth between semi-messed up and totally-messed up since the day I met him. For the past few weeks, I was in the totally-messed-up range, but more recently, Iíve noticed that Iím starting to get a hold of myself more.

This is new, since having met him. I think that itís possible that it wonít be long before Iíll start thinking sane thoughts.

Itís kind of a weird catch-22 because we are so similar in so many ways, and one way would be the tendency to completely isolate ourselves from the rest of the world. This trait doesnít really make it possible for a normal person to get to know me at all.

When itís two people with the same trait, itís just completely ridiculously impossible. Although, with him, I usually go at least halfway to meet him, and sometimes he meets me in the middle and other times not. About 95% of the time, one or the other or both are too exhausted to carry on a coherent conversation.

So, I might be able to move on with my life, to some extent, maybe. The problem here is that although I am capable of continuing my exhausting, but lonely life, I am still not prepared to allow any closeness with anyone else. At least, maybe thatís just how I feel during this one minute, but it seems to be generally true. The explanation might be that I just donít like anyone else, despite not being able to find anything tangibly wrong with them.

I canít do it, anyway. I donít have a settled personality. My brother calls it a restless spirit. He believes this is why neither of us can maintain a relationship for much longer than two years. I was married for 5, but 3 of them were pretty miserable.

Wow, itís so dangerous for me to be around a keyboard when Iím this tired.

I keep thinking that maybe if I can express how tired I am, the exhaustion will go away, but thatís not how you make exhaustion go away.

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Friday, Jun. 22, 2007 at 10:01 AM