Feeling oddly tense tonight. It almost feels like I am about to get some shocking news. I shouldnít terrify myself with those kinds of thoughts.

Saturday, I went up to NYC, and saw my friendís new condo. God, itís so gorgeous. I wasnít expecting it to be as big and beautiful as it is. Marble floors, granite countertops, 3-bedroom, 2-full baths.

Saturday night, we did the usual hanging out in soho, eating too much good food. We watched a gig of a friend of his. It was one of their better shows. I had short a crush on the lead guitarist.

While the previous act was on, I was waiting for their set near the bar. I recognized the lead guitarist from being at previous gigs (I always thought was cute), when he walked up to the bar.

I watched him, not expecting him to see or notice me, but he did. He did a total double-take when he saw me. He kept looking at me while he was talking to his band mate. I assumed he must have recognized me from previous shows, as impossible as that would be. I was never introduced to him, and itís been more than 6 months since Iíve been to one of their shows.

During their set, I sat right up front, next to my friend that they all knew. Not a single band member could possibly miss me. He never looked at me once from stage, but during the entire show, he mostly had a totally glazed over I-canít-see-anything-in-this-world look about him. After the show, when I was talking to the lead singer, guitar-man completely ignored me. Well! That was a short-lived crush.

Anyway, after staying in the guestroom of that lovely condo, I came home today. I felt pretty off once I got home. I did my grocery shopping and some light housework. Later, I had a conversation with David about Mr Crush.

Like H, itís like he doesnít want to know, but he has to ask, anyway. I donít know if, like H, heíll completely fall off the face of the planet just because Iím merely insanely obsessed someone else. I hope not.

I didnít want to go into too much detail about it. It made me uncomfortable. I was more comfortable discussing it with H, when it came up, but H and I have known each other for much longer and I feel much closer to him.

Iíd hate to stomp all over someoneís feelings, I really do, but I honestly canít figure out why he likes me to begin with. It could be the same inexplicable devotion that I have to Mr Crush (Whoís name should really be changed to something more appropriate, but whatever, Iíll go with it.), but that seems unlikely to me.

At this moment in time, Iím fully prepared to go the rest of my life pining for someone who has no intention of ever liking me back. Is David fully prepared to do that for me? I highly doubt it. Does it even matter? I donít know.

I know that times change. People change their minds; people get on with their lives. I seem to be unique in my insane devotion to whoever happens to be standing in front of me at a random moment when I feel like falling in love.

I talked to him tonight, though. Just briefly. Heís stressed out and busy, again. Iím stressed out and busy, myself.

I really wanted to take this weekend for myself. I donít mean complete isolation or anything like that. I just wanted to let myself stop worrying about things for awhile.

Itís been semi-successful, here and there. I only mentioned Mr Crush once to my friend last night, and it was late in the evening. He did get the ďif I hear you say that name one more time, Iím going to strangle youĒ look on his face, though.

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Monday, Jun. 25, 2007 at 12:48 AM