I felt so mean yesterday. Chris and I were out for our afternoon walk and he was telling me how he thought the manicure girl at the mall is cute, and I said that if he thinks so, he should go back and talk to her (she accosted him and tried to polish his nails).

He said something about how she�s probably about 22 and since he�s almost 40, that might be a bit creepy, and I said, �Yes, that�s creepy, but you don�t know for a fact that she�s 22.�

He winced when I said, �yes, that�s creepy.� I had no idea it would hurt his feelings, but I couldn�t take it back and deny that I thought it was creepy, since I have a brain problem that makes me feel like the whole world is going to fall apart if I am not completely accurate in everything I say and do.

Also, despite that it seemed to hurt him, he immediately tried to cover up his reaction. So, to bring it to attention might�ve been even worse.

It�s not that I think that it would be terrible. He�s still very handsome and looks much younger, so he could get away with having a 22 year old girlfriend. I find it creepy is because he�s intentionally selling himself short just because she�s an attractive young girl, rather than finding a more suitable mate. Maybe that�s why everyone finds large age differences creepy?

I wonder how many people choke on water or get water up their nose and find it exciting because it reminds them of diving?

I don�t know what to do with myself. Perhaps the best thing for me is just a good workout. A week or so ago, I was hiking on some trails outside of the city, and I came to a place where my trail crossed a footpath, and two guys were jogging by, so I stopped to let them pass. One of them looked at me and said, �Hey!� and then I realized it was someone from my karate class (a really, really bizarre coincidence, if you ask me).

He then said to me, �I didn�t know you were a trail runner!�

My breathing was perfectly regulated, so if he thinks I was running, he must think I�m in incredible shape, but I said, �Actually, I was just hiking.�

I didn�t recognize him because I�d never seen him out of uniform before and holy muscles! No wonder he can jump so high. But, anyway, he put the idea in my head. I could become a trail runner. All I really need is a new ipod, since my second-generation giganti-pod is ten times the size of a shuffle.

I�ve also thought about other practical things like, getting one of those camel-bak things for water and where I�m going to carry my cell and maybe even my pepper spray. I find that excessive gear sucks the fun out of things, though, unless, of course, that gear is made up of beauty products.

I�m only mentioning this because I think the exercise might get me out of this funk. I was sitting here thinking that I don�t know what to do with myself to help myself and that�s the best I came up with.

It�s coming up on almost a year ago when I saw him and I felt like the entire universe rushed into my head all at once, and he barely even noticed me. I asked him once if he would have spoken to me if I hadn�t spoken to him first. He paused a minute and said, �I assumed I had spoken to you first.� I find that ridiculously funny.

I get frustrated with myself for carrying on like this for so long, but at the same time, I don�t understand why I should pressure myself for a time limit. People are always rushing from one thing from the next, especially me, throughout my life, but in the grand scheme of my life, a year is pretty insignificant, five years, even. So, what does it matter?

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