So, another board member sent me a link to an online petition to help a monastery that has an association with my sangha. I went to the monastery website (I�ve been there several times before, but not recently) and suddenly all of the stuff that�s been irritating me lately started to dissolve.

I don�t know what it is or how it is, but I always somehow manage to find peace through spiritual avenues. That�s why I keep going back and why I continually try to keep creating more community among Buddhists in the area.

The stuff that bothers me is so insignificant, anyway.

I�m an odd mix of a lot of various things. I guess we all are, anyway. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about how I never want to be an old lady, like the women I work with. At 12, I already had the personality of a 40 year-old, so it�s not even really that.

I don�t care about being young, I care about being functional and flexible, which is often associated with youth, but not necessarily limited to it.

Constantly trying to define myself is a waste of time, anyway. People use those categories to slack off on functionality and flexibility and it has nothing to do with the truth.

While I was walking towards the building this morning, Chris pulled into the parking lot, and he honked at me and waved. At that very moment, I felt so guilty, like I�ve betrayed him somehow, but I can�t figure out why. Is it because I called him creepy or because I wrote about it? He�s obviously forgotten all about it by now, and if not, he does a really good job of pretending he�s forgotten all about it.

That�s me and my over-developed sense of devotion.

I slept terribly last night, as I have for the past several weeks. It�s gotten to the point where I actually had anxiety dreams about eyeliner, last night. I dreamt I was going to be late for something important, and I was trying to put it on, but it got all gloopy and smudged everywhere. This is what I�ve replaced my late-for-class/can�t-find-my-locker dreams with? Who the hell cares about eyeliner?

Suzanne, swore me to secrecy about something and I�ve been trying to help her with it. It has to do with helping her date more. I�ve tried to see her through the objective eyes of a stranger, but I can�t seem to do it, really. The idea that she might be dismissed for this reason or that makes me so angry and frustrated.

She and I have been friends since middle school. I feel like she�s the closest thing I have to a real family. Other than my brother, who is literally family.

I want so much to help and make the world right and good for my friend, but I can�t even make the world right and good for myself.

I�m not sure what is up with my excessive guilty feelings, lately. It seems like I can�t even walk down the street without feeling guilty about something. I push myself far too hard in every aspect of my life, and I don�t understand why I find it so difficult to just give myself a break.

Well, I can, I know I can, because I have in the past, and I will do that. I have to let the world go. I have to make myself better or else I�m never going to be of any use to anyone else.

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