So, another board member sent me a link to an online petition to help a monastery that has an association with my sangha. I went to the monastery website (Iíve been there several times before, but not recently) and suddenly all of the stuff thatís been irritating me lately started to dissolve.

I donít know what it is or how it is, but I always somehow manage to find peace through spiritual avenues. Thatís why I keep going back and why I continually try to keep creating more community among Buddhists in the area.

The stuff that bothers me is so insignificant, anyway.

Iím an odd mix of a lot of various things. I guess we all are, anyway. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about how I never want to be an old lady, like the women I work with. At 12, I already had the personality of a 40 year-old, so itís not even really that.

I donít care about being young, I care about being functional and flexible, which is often associated with youth, but not necessarily limited to it.

Constantly trying to define myself is a waste of time, anyway. People use those categories to slack off on functionality and flexibility and it has nothing to do with the truth.

While I was walking towards the building this morning, Chris pulled into the parking lot, and he honked at me and waved. At that very moment, I felt so guilty, like Iíve betrayed him somehow, but I canít figure out why. Is it because I called him creepy or because I wrote about it? Heís obviously forgotten all about it by now, and if not, he does a really good job of pretending heís forgotten all about it.

Thatís me and my over-developed sense of devotion.

I slept terribly last night, as I have for the past several weeks. Itís gotten to the point where I actually had anxiety dreams about eyeliner, last night. I dreamt I was going to be late for something important, and I was trying to put it on, but it got all gloopy and smudged everywhere. This is what Iíve replaced my late-for-class/canít-find-my-locker dreams with? Who the hell cares about eyeliner?

Suzanne, swore me to secrecy about something and Iíve been trying to help her with it. It has to do with helping her date more. Iíve tried to see her through the objective eyes of a stranger, but I canít seem to do it, really. The idea that she might be dismissed for this reason or that makes me so angry and frustrated.

She and I have been friends since middle school. I feel like sheís the closest thing I have to a real family. Other than my brother, who is literally family.

I want so much to help and make the world right and good for my friend, but I canít even make the world right and good for myself.

Iím not sure what is up with my excessive guilty feelings, lately. It seems like I canít even walk down the street without feeling guilty about something. I push myself far too hard in every aspect of my life, and I donít understand why I find it so difficult to just give myself a break.

Well, I can, I know I can, because I have in the past, and I will do that. I have to let the world go. I have to make myself better or else Iím never going to be of any use to anyone else.

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Thursday, Jun. 28, 2007 at 11:56 AM