Last night, the shocking news that I was anticipating came. Iíd been trying to cope with my anxiety all week long.

Last evening, on my way to karate, I had such strong feelings of impending loss that I was fighting tears the entire 40 minute drive there. Iíd assumed that this was all about Mr Crush, which did a lot to fuel my grief.

During karate, I forgot about it. Karate is one of the few things I can do that is so absorbing that I can stop thinking for awhile.

After karate, I was sitting on the locker room floor packing my karate bag when one of my classmates told me. One of our master instructors is leaving. Apparently, most people knew since Monday, so my reaction was not in line with where everyone else was. I was still in shock and asking questions and looking for solutions, while they were already talking about a replacement.

I am still in shock. Things are changing a lot here. Things are changing with my job and now my karate school, too.

Itís weird how things change so quickly and unexpectedly.

On my way home, I was relieved that it was unrelated to Mr Crush. He is one of those creatures who could suddenly up and leave at any moment. This is a trait that runs in my family, and perhaps this explains some of this inexplicable attraction. Maybe I recognized him as one of my own.

When I thought my feelings of loss were about him, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Whenever I talk to him, I feel like Iím talking to a huge celebrity, my life-long best friend and the cutest puppy youíve ever seen, all rolled up into one.

I just canít be normal about it.

I canít understand how I can know that Iím going to learn something shocking 4 days ahead of time, when to logon to the computer because a friend needs me, or how it is that when the phone rings, I know who it is before I pick up (without caller ID).

If this is what I am, how is it that I can be so wrong about him? The one thing that has become the most important thing in my life, and it is one thing Iím completely and utterly wrong about?

I donít want to be this anymore. I donít, because it only makes me mad. It only makes me reliant on something unreliable and it makes me think I know more than I do.

I donít even want to recognize it anymore. But, what else can I do when thereís so much anticipation inside of me for invisible things?

Do I get an exorcist or find a good shrink?

So, anyway, it was a rough day. Things arenít going well at work and thereís a lot of struggles and fighting going on. The tension that has built up inside of me is phenomenal. I was feeling semi-ok when I got here, but as the day wore on, I could feel my neck and shoulders becoming worse and worse.

Now I have a real and tangible reason to avoid stress. I donít want to mess up my back again. Itís too expensive to put it right.

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Friday, Jun. 29, 2007 at 5:15 PM