There are well over 6 billion people on this planet (6,606,226,144 at 13:46 GMT), why canít he pick on someone else?
Itís getting to be like a stalkers annual reunion over here. I almost feel like Iím replaying my Spring of 2006, except this time, Iím less likely to be as nice about it.
Adam, who had the misfortune of meeting me last year, and basically having the exact same personality as my exboyfriend Neil, has come back.
Heís been back awhile, but Iíve been ignoring him. Our last conversation really wasnít so much a conversation as much as a huge fight.
For a few weeks prior to that fight, I had been trying to live my life like a normal person, but he had been trying to claim ownership. I didnít remember ever having signed those papers.
I think it must have been some kind of indentured servitude, considering the amount of accountability he was trying to hold me to. I admit, he and I talked a lot on the phone for a few weeks, but that was all there was, and no promises made.
We got along well, but like I said, he has a personality exactly like Neilís and Neil and I had just broken up about two months prior. But, if I could get along with someone like Neil, Neil and I would still be together.
When I first met Adam, I thought he was proof that I could get along with someone sane, but then later realized how insane he actually is.
Thereís this boy in my karate class, heís 16. His parents are going through a horrible divorce. His father was abusive to his mother, and has never held him accountable for anything, his mother ďhas good intentions, but sheís weirdĒ in my (karate) masterís words. Anyway, the poor kid is having problems in school, doing drugs, hanging out with the wrong crowd, etc.
Everyone on the outside, living their perfect, picket-fence lives in a rich Philly suburb canít understand why this boy canít pull himself together. This kid, who is a great athlete and talented martial artist, hangs around with losers and drug addicts. Heís been having trouble getting to practice, and when heís in practice, heís volatile and dangerous.
I know why. I know why because Iím like that. I told my master that. I used to have his problems, and he asked me what I did, and I told him, you just keep forcing yourself to act normal and eventually, normal feels normal. I was in my mid-20s before I even resembled anything stable.
He didnít like that answer, but itís all I have.
He hangs around those people because he believes those people are the only ones who can understand his particular pain. Maybe thatís the case, but sometimes ones own livelihood is more important than being understood.
A few years ago, I was pretty messed up, and I thought there was nothing more important than having someone who could understand my particular kind of pain. Then I realized that all I had was a perception problem.
I create my own pain, and because of that, I have the option to remove my own pain. I got to work on that. I demonstrated my skills, when I saw that creating a bond with Adam would just be repeating the same pattern, and I rejected him.
Adam is not stupid, heís eight years older than me, and has phd in computer engineering, but he still hasnít figured this out. Perhaps because he spent so much time on his studies, he never got the chance to spend any time on himself. Lucky for me, my education ended with a BA in Art. So yes, I had plenty of time to think about other things (hehe).
I donít think heís as bad off as Neil, who has legitimate mental illnesses. Heís just someone with destructive thinking patterns that could likely be changed with a little bit of effort.
Today, I have the feeling that things are going to come to a boiling point again. Our last conversation (fight) was about a year ago, and for the past 6 months heís been attempting contact and getting progressively persistent about it.
Iím getting to the point where Iím willing to scare another year of silence into him, but I am worried about how mean I will be. It seems that insults donít really bother me. I donít pull punches because Iím not afraid of getting hit, and thatís really not the kind of person you want to be fighting with.
I would never intentionally hurt someone that I care about. However, someone like Adam, who is still a human-being, but a person I donít really have any emotional attachment to, there is nothing stopping me from completely demolishing him.
I could get on my soapbox and say, ďHe did this, this and this, and heís crazy and deserves everything he gets.Ē But, I donít really believe that. I mean, I believe heís crazy, but I donít believe he deserves everything he gets.
I donít believe anyone deserves anymore pain than what is thrust upon them for merely being born human.
Convincing myself otherwise would just be satisfying my own ego, letting it think that thereís value in creating pain, just because I happen to be good at it or because it makes my life easier.
Iíll never be able to forgive myself if I canít be compassionate here. It seems that the long road towards self-forgiveness is paralleled by the long road towards self-discipline.
Why now? Iím not sure why. I think that maybe I am feeling a bit beaten-up by the world at the moment, and the synapses want to mobilize. Like most overly logical people, I have this incredible ability to rationalize every single act. ďIím helping him, yes, yes, you see, he wonít have to waste the three seconds to say hello to me twice a day. I need to be a little mean, otherwise it wonít work.Ē
Oh my god, written down, I sound so stupid.
Alright, I better work on my website and go see Sicko, like everyone keeps telling me to do. Also, Iíve been going back and forth on whether or not to post this, but I donít like to let fear rule my decisions, so here it is:
|Friday, Jul. 06, 2007 at 11:41 AM|