Nothing strange happened in karate last night.
After Tuesday, I was worried that a friend and classmate would say something to him for yelling at me that night. Not because of what he had said, but because I was visibly upset after class.
My fear was that in turn, that would cause him to bring it up with me, and I dreaded addressing any of this.
I acted more wounded after class than I normally would have, but I wasnít upset about him at all. It was the sleep deprivation and stress getting to me more than anything, and I was able to keep a brave face up until that very moment. I didnít cry until I got into my car, though.
For so many years of my life, I kept too isolated from other people to get involved in their problems. Lately, something has changed. It hasnít been until recently did I figure out why I am suddenly involved in so many other peopleís problems. Without even realizing it, Iíve become more open.
Not that Iím a wide-open person or anything, but the small degree of openness that Iíve acquired, lately, that has allowed me to see that other people are so much more open than I am, which made me feel exceptionally closed off.
Now, itís almost overwhelming to have so much of other peopleís stuff floating around in my life.
Last night, I spoke with the boyfriend of one of my friends. They live far away, but they met and moved in together very quickly (him coming from another state on the other side of the country).
It was my obsession with mr crush that triggered a chain of events that ended with them living together. This goes to show how quickly things developed with them. I believe it was around Thanksgiving that they met.
What a bizarre life I lead.
Theyíve been living together for a few months now, I think since March? I had my concerns about this, but I did not discourage it. I could not be unsupportive of my friend, plus, what do I know? All of my relationships go down, disfigured and in flames, usually to explode on a small town, killing over half the residents and their pets, too (slight exaggeration). I reserved judgment.
I spoke to her a few nights ago. She told me that they had a huge fight, but that it was behind them and things like this happen. I agreed. Totally right. Things like this do happen. She was distant and brief. She told me she had a headache, but I knew there was more she wasnít telling me.
Last night, I spoke with him. He brought up the fight, as well. He told me that if things donít change, heís going to leave. He expressed his frustrations and I encouraged him to be more patient.
Itís not like sheís running wild and hanging from the rafters. She gets stressed out, she loses her temper, she says things she doesnít mean.
Since theyíve been together, Iíve gotten to be friends with the boyfriend, and I know heís a good person. I see him as being a good and healthy thing for her.
For the most part, I am helpless to do anything. I donít have the answers. While he was telling me this, I almost offered to take on the burden whenever either of them needed to unload, to get the pressure off of their relationship. Of course, that would be silly. Even if I had the time, itís completely ridiculous to interfere with their stuff to that extent.
Sheís had a lot of issues in the past. Whether or not it was the right thing to say, I told him that you canít expect regular people to have the same kind of discipline that we do (heís a martial arts person as well).
For each individual in a relationship, that person has to decide how much discipline they want to from their partner. Heís not as spiritual and idealistic as I am. I think that everyone should be given unlimited compassion and understanding. I acknowledge that weíre only human. We can only provide so much until we break, and some of us break sooner than others.
I still keep hanging onto that ideal, though.
|Friday, Jul. 13, 2007 at 11:02 PM|