I worked off and on today, but it was mostly unproductive. I accomplished a few little things but they�re in bits and pieces and nothing to look at.

I had a brief moment of clarity. I took time to do an hour of yoga, and it wasn�t anything with the word �power� in it or �intensive body sculpting.� I chose my routine strictly for stress relief. It worked wonders in relaxing me and in the shower afterwards, I sighed deeply and for that moment, I felt ok.

Work and peace of mind don�t mix very well, at least not in my life.

Last night, I sacrificed a lot of my meditation to lead the meditation. I know that sounds a little contradictory, but that added responsibility created a lot of tension. Oh, I meditated, but I was meditating like a solid granite cube probably meditates.

I deviated from the norm a little bit. The people who lead meditation are usually very morose. It scares people away. So, I thought I�d try something crazy and be cheerful. I thought it might alleviate the meditating-in-an-internment-camp feel that permeates this particular sangha. That irritated one of the old-timers, but there was a new guy and he seemed delighted.

I was stressed out, though. I knew I would mess up the order of things, and I did a bit. I had missed meditation a lot prior to this. That made Bill even angrier. He snapped at me a little bit when I was packing up the Buddha statue.

Before we did our traditional ending of the meditation I said something like, �I think now would be a good time to feel appreciation for something in your life that you might be thankful for.� (yeah, it was probably about that awkward).

In my experience, meditation and feelings of gratitude tend to parallel each other. It only takes a little bit of a nudge to connect the two and feel really, really good, at least for a minute.

After it ended, I went straight to the new guy and introduced myself. He shook my hand gratefully and said, �Thank you, Amy.�

I think that�s the first time anyone has ever thanked me with sincere gratitude. It affected me almost as much as a real sit might have.

Once again, I narrowly escaped tearing Adam apart. Last year, we agreed not to speak to each other ever again. I was happy with that arrangement. I usually don�t make decisions of that magnitude without careful consideration, and once the decision is made, I usually don�t change my mind.

I guess his assumption is that it was an emotional decision that I may have later regretted?

I�ve just gone from talking about how I lead meditation at my sangha to how I�m dodging someone because my temperament will likely lead me to cut him to shreds.

It does make me feel like a bit of a fraud, but I must constantly remind myself that I don�t practice because I�m perfect, I practice because I�m not.

I�m semi-tempted to have someone else write me some dialogue that I can use when I�m in that situation. That�s not a bad idea, I�ll ask Suzanne.

Every time he speaks to me, my mind becomes completely devoid of any non-cruel, but firm way to tell him that I�m still not interested in speaking to him.

Ever since Saturday, I�ve been feeling completely cut off from mr crush. If I don�t have that inexplicable whatever in my head that makes me feel like he�s there, then he transforms into a regular person. I�m a bit too much of a snob to get too wrapped up in humans; at least ones that are practically strangers. Maybe that will change if I see him again.

While, I�m grieving a little bit for that girl who was so determined to stay devoted to him, I think that this is ultimately a positive thing.

ok, time for karate.

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Monday, Jul. 16, 2007 at 6:40 PM