I worked off and on today, but it was mostly unproductive. I accomplished a few little things but theyíre in bits and pieces and nothing to look at.
I had a brief moment of clarity. I took time to do an hour of yoga, and it wasnít anything with the word ďpowerĒ in it or ďintensive body sculpting.Ē I chose my routine strictly for stress relief. It worked wonders in relaxing me and in the shower afterwards, I sighed deeply and for that moment, I felt ok.
Work and peace of mind donít mix very well, at least not in my life.
Last night, I sacrificed a lot of my meditation to lead the meditation. I know that sounds a little contradictory, but that added responsibility created a lot of tension. Oh, I meditated, but I was meditating like a solid granite cube probably meditates.
I deviated from the norm a little bit. The people who lead meditation are usually very morose. It scares people away. So, I thought Iíd try something crazy and be cheerful. I thought it might alleviate the meditating-in-an-internment-camp feel that permeates this particular sangha. That irritated one of the old-timers, but there was a new guy and he seemed delighted.
I was stressed out, though. I knew I would mess up the order of things, and I did a bit. I had missed meditation a lot prior to this. That made Bill even angrier. He snapped at me a little bit when I was packing up the Buddha statue.
Before we did our traditional ending of the meditation I said something like, ďI think now would be a good time to feel appreciation for something in your life that you might be thankful for.Ē (yeah, it was probably about that awkward).
In my experience, meditation and feelings of gratitude tend to parallel each other. It only takes a little bit of a nudge to connect the two and feel really, really good, at least for a minute.
After it ended, I went straight to the new guy and introduced myself. He shook my hand gratefully and said, ďThank you, Amy.Ē
I think thatís the first time anyone has ever thanked me with sincere gratitude. It affected me almost as much as a real sit might have.
Once again, I narrowly escaped tearing Adam apart. Last year, we agreed not to speak to each other ever again. I was happy with that arrangement. I usually donít make decisions of that magnitude without careful consideration, and once the decision is made, I usually donít change my mind.
I guess his assumption is that it was an emotional decision that I may have later regretted?
Iíve just gone from talking about how I lead meditation at my sangha to how Iím dodging someone because my temperament will likely lead me to cut him to shreds.
It does make me feel like a bit of a fraud, but I must constantly remind myself that I donít practice because Iím perfect, I practice because Iím not.
Iím semi-tempted to have someone else write me some dialogue that I can use when Iím in that situation. Thatís not a bad idea, Iíll ask Suzanne.
Every time he speaks to me, my mind becomes completely devoid of any non-cruel, but firm way to tell him that Iím still not interested in speaking to him.
Ever since Saturday, Iíve been feeling completely cut off from mr crush. If I donít have that inexplicable whatever in my head that makes me feel like heís there, then he transforms into a regular person. Iím a bit too much of a snob to get too wrapped up in humans; at least ones that are practically strangers. Maybe that will change if I see him again.
While, Iím grieving a little bit for that girl who was so determined to stay devoted to him, I think that this is ultimately a positive thing.
ok, time for karate.
|Monday, Jul. 16, 2007 at 6:40 PM|