I had a long weekend. Saturday, I went to karate, then stopped for some painting supplies on my way home and then painted my bathroom from late afternoon into the evening. Itís much improved, but not entirely done. I still have to do the trim.

Yesterday, I had a day-long Buddhist board meeting. It was surprisingly pleasant, with the exception of being stuck in someoneís dark basement when it was quite possibly the most beautiful day weíve had all year outside.

After the board meeting, I went to our meditation. Iíve been working on the website off and on all week. Never mind the paying folks are breathing down my neck for properly masticated bits of what I bit off, that was clearly way too much. I feel like saying, ďIíll finish your website when you paint my bathroomĒ or maybe, ďIím sorry, Iíve seemed to have misplaced my website creation wand.Ē

Oh, itís really not that bad. Iím just turning into one of those BOFHís that you all know and hate. Itís the job, I tell you. Next thing you know Iíll be wearing clashing, ill-fitting clothes and growing an unruly beard.

Itís one of those coolish rainy days where all I really want to do is have tea and read or spod. Instead, I went to get my drivers license renewed. Iím obviously aging way too fast, considering how quickly I go through these things. Now Iíve finally got a photo in which I look like an adult. Thatís probably a positive thing, but itís also very ordinary.

I think Iím going to skip karate tonight. Iím feeling stressed out again. Iím realizing that when Iím stressed out, I want people to be smarter than they are. Either that, or just not make any judgments, especially about things they know nothing about. Itís an attempt converse, maybe, Iím not sure.

Iím just not made to desire that. At least, I donít desire it enough to put it in front of other priorities. In any case, most human beings need a ton of slack. They say inaccurate things because accuracy is not all that important to them. Sometimes they say things that plain donít make any sense.

This is where the need for slack comes in. People donít like their words being monitored by the logic police. Iím more upset with myself. I wouldnít be bothered if I truly believed the problem was with other people. As irrational as it is, deep down, I truly believe is that there is something innately wrong with me that makes me unacceptable, and therefore, Iím doomed to always not be accepted. Rationally speaking, I know this is incorrect, but I get this skewed view of reality when things go wrong.

I donít want to give up who I am, but I often feel like that the things that make me me are so outlandish, Iím always going to be separated from the rest of society. Whenever I get like this, I almost value it. As if thereís something admirable about emphasizing the darker aspects of my personality. That might be ok if it were still in style. Iím not sure what attitude is in style these days, and Iím far too old to know or care.

You know, if I were normal, Iíd hate myself for being mediocre.

So, if Iím stressed, why would I skip something that I consider to be stress relief? Well, Iím thinking that the workout there might actually not be as hard as I want tonight. I want to crawl into bed crying in agony after my shower. Thatíll make me feel better.

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Monday, Jul. 23, 2007 at 6:19 PM