I had a long weekend. Saturday, I went to karate, then stopped for some painting supplies on my way home and then painted my bathroom from late afternoon into the evening. It�s much improved, but not entirely done. I still have to do the trim.

Yesterday, I had a day-long Buddhist board meeting. It was surprisingly pleasant, with the exception of being stuck in someone�s dark basement when it was quite possibly the most beautiful day we�ve had all year outside.

After the board meeting, I went to our meditation. I�ve been working on the website off and on all week. Never mind the paying folks are breathing down my neck for properly masticated bits of what I bit off, that was clearly way too much. I feel like saying, �I�ll finish your website when you paint my bathroom� or maybe, �I�m sorry, I�ve seemed to have misplaced my website creation wand.�

Oh, it�s really not that bad. I�m just turning into one of those BOFH�s that you all know and hate. It�s the job, I tell you. Next thing you know I�ll be wearing clashing, ill-fitting clothes and growing an unruly beard.

It�s one of those coolish rainy days where all I really want to do is have tea and read or spod. Instead, I went to get my drivers license renewed. I�m obviously aging way too fast, considering how quickly I go through these things. Now I�ve finally got a photo in which I look like an adult. That�s probably a positive thing, but it�s also very ordinary.

I think I�m going to skip karate tonight. I�m feeling stressed out again. I�m realizing that when I�m stressed out, I want people to be smarter than they are. Either that, or just not make any judgments, especially about things they know nothing about. It�s an attempt converse, maybe, I�m not sure.

I�m just not made to desire that. At least, I don�t desire it enough to put it in front of other priorities. In any case, most human beings need a ton of slack. They say inaccurate things because accuracy is not all that important to them. Sometimes they say things that plain don�t make any sense.

This is where the need for slack comes in. People don�t like their words being monitored by the logic police. I�m more upset with myself. I wouldn�t be bothered if I truly believed the problem was with other people. As irrational as it is, deep down, I truly believe is that there is something innately wrong with me that makes me unacceptable, and therefore, I�m doomed to always not be accepted. Rationally speaking, I know this is incorrect, but I get this skewed view of reality when things go wrong.

I don�t want to give up who I am, but I often feel like that the things that make me me are so outlandish, I�m always going to be separated from the rest of society. Whenever I get like this, I almost value it. As if there�s something admirable about emphasizing the darker aspects of my personality. That might be ok if it were still in style. I�m not sure what attitude is in style these days, and I�m far too old to know or care.

You know, if I were normal, I�d hate myself for being mediocre.

So, if I�m stressed, why would I skip something that I consider to be stress relief? Well, I�m thinking that the workout there might actually not be as hard as I want tonight. I want to crawl into bed crying in agony after my shower. That�ll make me feel better.

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