So, a couple of weeks ago, Christian told me I should meet one of his friends. I was confused by this because I didnít know why he wanted me to meet him. He started going on about how great this guy is, and then I realized the reason.

Out of confusion and apathy, I didnít really respond, and he never asked me for a direct answer.

Heís been bringing up this friend out of the blue, and Iíve been asking politely after him.

Today, he finally blurted it out. ďIím supposed to ask you something.Ē I could just feel it coming. This friend saw my picture on his friendís list on myspace and wants to meet me. Thatís what instigated this whole thing. For this to be going on for a few weeks makes it seem like he really wants to meet me.

Thatís so odd to me. I often think of myself as a ghost that disappears from peopleís lives when Iím not around. I canít imagine ever affecting anyone when I am not present. And even when I am present, itís negligible.

Like, when someone comes forth with, ďblah, blah, blah, I really like you.Ē I always imagine it as a spur of the moment thing, maybe out of boredom, something that will disappear the second Iím gone. Likewise, I guess this explains why Iím so rarely offended when people express the opposite towards me.

I know where this is from. Growing up, I was always a very insignificant part of my parentís lives; a minor burden. I was a thing to be dropped off here or there so they could go about their real lives. The idea that anything I say or do affects anyone else usually doesnít occur to me. It only occurs to me if I am intentionally trying to affect someone, and in that case, I figure I have about a 50/50 chance of making any impact.

I would have never had this insight into this had my ex-husband not accused me of it (I say ďaccusedĒ because it was in the middle of a fight and not meant as a compliment).

ďYou think your actions donít affect anyone but you!Ē Or something like that. He saw it as me being severely self-centered. In my mind, I see myself as severely insignificant (No, I donít leave huge messes or anything, Iím fairly neat).

Anyway, itís always mind-blowing to me to find out that I was discussed among others.

If it were a normal every day random guy, it would be completely meaningless to me. However, I do have a lot of devotion to my friends. Christian seems to really like his other friend, and I almost feel like Iíd be letting him down not to put some actual effort into this.

I skipped karate in favor of meditation tonight, and while there, I realized that I donít like this because I donít like anything that threatens my devotion to mr crush. Sometimes I think I want one thing, but later realize that I want something else.

I just wish undying devotion to someone unattainable was an acceptable role in this society. No one seems to like my idea of forever being devoted to someone that is too busy to speak to me and barely remembers Iím alive (HMMM, GEEE. Given my history, why would I want that? Iím so obvious sometimes.).

I was really starting to get content with that. At this moment in time, Iím actually choosing not to tell my friends about this because I know theyíll just use logic and reason on me. I guess if you choose to hide things because you know people are going to use logic and reason against you; then itís probably time to start re-evaluating.

I did not refuse to meet him.

I told him that he can tell the guy that he can either contact me through my website (Does Christian even remember where my website is?) or he can meet me in person. I donít really care. Christian seemed hugely relieved, like the whole thing has way more significance than it should have.

Itís just a picture, for godís sake.

Later, it occurred to me that I should ask whether or not this guy knows Iím a practicing Buddhist, a vegetarian, that I donít drink, a serious martial artist, and after knowing all of that, does he still really want to meet me? Heck, after reading that, Iím not even sure I want to meet me.

So, after meditation, I ended up staying about an hour and a half talking to a kid I met there. Heís probably about ten years younger than me. Heís in school and does a lot of volunteer work for this sangha. Itís that place that mr crush introduced me to, but I only go when I have the time, or on special occasions, like tonight. They really, really want me to be a part of their community, which is very nice and friendly of them, but unfortunately, they also seem to prefer to remain as oblivious as possible of the fact that I am serving as a board member at another sangha. Or maybe I just haven't been forward enough with that information.

One of their leaders wants to give me a dharma name. When I expressed apprehension, she insisted that it has nothing to do with conversion. As if, we're supposed to be Buddhists, right? In my practice, there's no such thing as conversion. I don't understand their sect at all. Don't start worrying until I start drinking the kool-aid.

Also, their meditation schedule conflicts with my karate schedule.

I like the kid, though. We always have a nice chat when we see each other.

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Wednesday, Aug. 08, 2007 at 12:15 AM