I finally Top Modeled myself out. I didnít get sick of the attention given to aesthetics, but I did get tired of all the other stuff. I was watching the seasons out of order. The last one I watched was season 3.

I got really, really annoyed when the fat model with good pictures got kicked off before the skinny model with atrocious pictures. I even started thinking it was a conspiracy (more than the normal amount of conspiracy), believing that the skinny modelís parents must have paid off the judges. Iím still not sure that didnít happen. Every single picture was just bad, bad, bad. Even her good pictures were bad.

She is an attractive girl with a spectacular body, but she somehow had an extraordinary talent for taking horrible pictures. It irritated me even more that she seemed to not understand why her pictures were so bad.

The minute they got rid of the beautiful and talented girl because she couldnít fit the clothes (that wasnít the reason they gave, but you know that was the reason) was when I had to acknowledge that high fashion is less about art and more about politics.

I donít watch any other TV, so I regarded this show as a hobby. When I started getting upset about the progress of the show, I realized that I was letting this ďhobbyĒ of mine get out of hand.

Personally, I can find beauty in all people. Because Iíve spent so much time studying aesthetics, I donít have to rely on the beauty industry to tell me my opinion on beauty. Well, no one does, obviously, but it seems that many people do.

A friend of mine said something to me yesterday about he feels bad about himself because he doesnít think of himself as attractive. Of course, this is someone that Iíve always suspected to be a bit emotionally growth-stunted. Then he said something like, ďI donít think Iím fat or anything,Ē as if being fat was the worst fate that could ever befall a human being.

I let that comment slide, but in my mind, I recalled dozens of things a person can be that are far worse than fat. For example, one could be judgmental about fat.

Iím reminded again about how dangerous it is to tie ones own ego to ones own appearance; or worse, assign value to others based on appearance.

I was feeling sad last night. It wasnít for the reasons stated above, though.

Iíll be happy when my master gets back from Japan. Iím tired of the ego-maniac who has been instructing, lately. He is more interested in showing off than teaching karate. As for my previously expressed concerns about my masterís ethics, I donít care if heís robbing banks on the side, I want him back.

I think I am finally beginning to learn that itís normal to feel down sometimes. Itís so easy to think of ourselves as fitting into one or two categories. A human being is a wide variety of things, and those things always changing, and evolving. We learn new things, we have new experiences. We get older. The body changes; synapses die off and grow in new places.

Iím noticing that Iím inexplicably sad much less often these days. My default state is good, rather than bad, like it used to be. It took time to get that pattern built into my brain.

However, that doesnít mean Iím obligated to be happy 24 hours a day. Normal human beings arenít like that. Itís weird that we expect that from ourselves or assume that is the case for other people.

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Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007 at 3:08 PM