Tomorrow is my final evaluation before going into black belt training. Tonight, I�ve been thinking about whether or not I really have any intense desire for it.

The rank has always been meaningless to me. Style is meaningless to me. It�s all about understanding body mechanics and use and control over ones own body. This is why I�ve had no problem sacrificing rank over the years for a better school or teacher. This is also why (I�ve been told, and in my opinion) I have more ability than most of the first dan�s out there.

This past week, I�ve felt a bit sulky because there are so many people who are my rank (or one above) who are so far behind me in ability. It�s so easy to make things about ego, and then let that trip me up, which creates unnecessary suffering.

Yeah, people who have less ability than me get promoted, but it�s not about that. If every karate teacher insisted that every student to reach my level of ability before proceeding to the next rank, they�d lose most of their students. It�s not just a karate school, it�s also a business, and I am extremely lucky to have even found someone who has the ability and knowledge to teach me what I want to know.

Not to mislead anyone here, I still have a long way to go. The deeper my understanding of this art goes, the more I realize how much further I have to go.

I can say this stuff about how I�m so much better than people near my own rank because, in the realm of serious practitioners, my rank is so low. When done right, karate is a humbling experience.

Today, I wasn�t any good. My balance and timing was horrible. I even got my feet in the wrong spot at one point. I can�t believe nerves are getting to me now. How many times have I done this? I�ve lost count.

Oh, and just because I am completely insane, I chose to do a 360 degree back kick to demonstrate breaking technique tomorrow; this wouldn�t really be all that insane, if I had practiced the kick at all within the last six months.

Luckily, it will be the last thing I do because I am expecting to miss the board, get my foot caught on it (I�m likely to kick too high), and possibly injure myself.

I�ve been trying to meditate more this week, but it�s been sketchy. The little bit I�ve managed, I�ve undoubtedly helped myself.

My sleep has been really bad, lately, but not so bad that I�m getting no rest at all.

Anyway, the reason I�ve been thinking about whether or not I have any desire for the rank is because I think that I can ask that they waive the typical one-year training period and let me do it in six months. I�m sure I am capable of it. I�m just not sure I want to.

Maybe I shouldn�t be thinking of it that way. If I am capable of pushing myself harder, then maybe I should be, anyway, regardless of the goal.

You know, I�m terrible at wording, but there is that zen story that ends with a line about it being harder to walk a path when you have one eye on the end or something something something eye and path something something.

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