No matter what, I always feel like my productivity is lacking. Iím never getting done all of the things I feel like I ought to be getting done. Since October has started, I have switched heating oil companies, scolded my home owners insurance company, had my car serviced, been hiking, been surfing, been horse back riding, acquired a boyfriend, attended a weekend retreat, attended a board meeting, found a lost phone (I had to drive across town to get it), tried and failed to get a online calendar tool working, attempted to clean my house, been to a skin doctor twice, and an allergist once (as it turns out, Iím allergic to everything) and got a hair cut. All this, while working full time and going to karate three times a week. Thatís just the stuff I can remember.

Me? Iím upset that I didnít get more done.

I mostly wanted to do more web development, but lately, when Iíve had spare momentsÖ well, nevermind, I havenít had any of those.

There was a week in there where I almost starved to death because I was too busy to go grocery shopping. I know that the majority of my activities are optional. I obviously choose to be that busy. Most of it came from the mindset of ďThis is the last gorgeous day of the summer, I must take advantage!Ē

A couple of things about work; I still have a ton of vacation time left and I havenít started looking for a new job yet.

Iíve been planning on doing this for awhile and Iíve been seriously dragging my feet. Yesterday morning in my half-awake, half-asleep state, something from my subconscious came to the foreground. Iíll miss my friends. I have coworkers that I know and like and I donít want to leave them behind.

The vacation time could go towards getting more stuff done. Iím worried that the holidays are going to make things complicated in the realm of getting stuff done, like job hunting.

Maybe Iíll take two weeks off in November and attempt nanowrimo again. I wonder if I could be that solitary. I think in order for me to get any true writing done, Iíd have to take my laptop where there is no internet access. I would undoubtedly waste an hour every day pouting about my self-imposed internet ban. At first, anyway.

Hmmmm, that idea is kinda growing on me.

Anyway, I talked to mr crush yesterday, who is now being downgraded to just plain Ryan. Iím still anxious even mentioning him anywhere near the web because Iím pretty sure that if an EMP took out the entire internet, about 80% of it could be restored from his brain.

During the beginning stages of my new relationship, I was worried that Ryan would step in and mess it up somehow. He did suddenly want to start talking to me a lot right before he left the country, but I was mostly unavailable. He was still his extra-geeky, eccentric self, which made me grateful that I now can relate to normal people (for the most part).

For me, it was a happy coincidence that he went out of the country. Was there anything he couldíve done to really mess it up? Well, I suppose itís possible, but it would have taken some kind of miraculous event. I still felt better knowing he was in another hemisphere.

It feels odd that things didnít work out like I thought they would, in my conscious mind, anyway. I think my subconscious was quite aware. The sum of my decisions lead me here. Whenever I went off track, it was because I was fighting against my own instincts. I still donít know what last yearís obsession with him was all about. There must have been a mix-up somewhere or maybe it was just plain insanity.

I donít think any speculation on that will be very useful. Although, I do find this Fall to be an interest contrast to last Fall.

0 comments so far

Friday, Oct. 26, 2007 at 4:31 PM