Yesterday morning, Adam left his apartment around 7:30AM. I made sure his cats had plenty of food and water and left around 8AM. The last two times I went backpacking in the cold, I said I would never do it again. I managed to escape this time.

Since Iím an unreasonably light sleeper and Adam has an extra loud furnace (it wakes me up when it comes on and when it shuts off), I didnít sleep well. I wasnít too miserable. Iíve had worse sleepless nights, and I decided that I would sacrifice my morning karate practice so I could still be there when he woke up.

In previous relationships, deep in my subconscious, I always felt a mild undercurrent of ďthis is not right.Ē There were times in those relationships during which things were going very well. I didnít have cause for a lot of worry and anguish, but it was there, anyway.

Friday night, that part was missing. Iíve grown so accustomed to having that feeling whenever Iím with anyone that I was surprised that while laying there, listening to him snore, I felt oddly at peace.

I was so grateful to have that. Maybe it was only temporary, but I am still so grateful to have finally been near another person and simultaneously been at peace with myself. I wasnít sure it was possible.

Thatís not to say that Iíve completely escaped my fear. I havenít, but Iíve decided to dismiss it as irrational. Itís not the present that scares me. Itís the past. It feels hollow, like someone who is frightened of her own shadow. Eventually, I am going to accept it as nothing but a shadow. Until then, I am blessed with someone who has been remarkably understanding, so far.

Yesterday, I came home and I watched a bunch of tv on my computer. Around 11, I took a nap, I slept until 2, and then watched more tv. I did get some shopping done, yesterday, but thatís about it.

I went to sleep around midnight last night and slept until 9:30 this morning. I must have been more sleep-deprived than I realized. I think my tv marathon gave me a headache, too.

Todayís day-hike was cancelled due to rain. It doesnít seem like the weather is as bad the meteorologists are saying it is (at present). It is cold, though, and as groggy and headachy my boredom and vegetable state made me yesterday, it was still better than freezing my butt off in the woods.

I made sure that Adam had plenty of zinc cough drops on his trip, and hopefully that will be enough defense if there are any viruses lurking around when he gets cold.

0 comments so far

Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007 at 10:37 AM