Yesterday morning, Adam left his apartment around 7:30AM. I made sure his cats had plenty of food and water and left around 8AM. The last two times I went backpacking in the cold, I said I would never do it again. I managed to escape this time.

Since I�m an unreasonably light sleeper and Adam has an extra loud furnace (it wakes me up when it comes on and when it shuts off), I didn�t sleep well. I wasn�t too miserable. I�ve had worse sleepless nights, and I decided that I would sacrifice my morning karate practice so I could still be there when he woke up.

In previous relationships, deep in my subconscious, I always felt a mild undercurrent of �this is not right.� There were times in those relationships during which things were going very well. I didn�t have cause for a lot of worry and anguish, but it was there, anyway.

Friday night, that part was missing. I�ve grown so accustomed to having that feeling whenever I�m with anyone that I was surprised that while laying there, listening to him snore, I felt oddly at peace.

I was so grateful to have that. Maybe it was only temporary, but I am still so grateful to have finally been near another person and simultaneously been at peace with myself. I wasn�t sure it was possible.

That�s not to say that I�ve completely escaped my fear. I haven�t, but I�ve decided to dismiss it as irrational. It�s not the present that scares me. It�s the past. It feels hollow, like someone who is frightened of her own shadow. Eventually, I am going to accept it as nothing but a shadow. Until then, I am blessed with someone who has been remarkably understanding, so far.

Yesterday, I came home and I watched a bunch of tv on my computer. Around 11, I took a nap, I slept until 2, and then watched more tv. I did get some shopping done, yesterday, but that�s about it.

I went to sleep around midnight last night and slept until 9:30 this morning. I must have been more sleep-deprived than I realized. I think my tv marathon gave me a headache, too.

Today�s day-hike was cancelled due to rain. It doesn�t seem like the weather is as bad the meteorologists are saying it is (at present). It is cold, though, and as groggy and headachy my boredom and vegetable state made me yesterday, it was still better than freezing my butt off in the woods.

I made sure that Adam had plenty of zinc cough drops on his trip, and hopefully that will be enough defense if there are any viruses lurking around when he gets cold.

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Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007 at 10:37 AM