I havenít felt quite like myself during the past few weeks. It started out with sleep deprivation, and then illness. After disentangling myself from those cycles, Iíve been trying to get a handle on the damage.

Iím not sure if anyone else has this problem, but Iíve noticed that one of my issues is my desire to mimic things. My brain is in love with pattern-recognition and almost everything comes in the form of a pattern. Even if there isnít a pattern, I think the human mind will create a pattern, just because, we like patterns.

Speaking style, thinking style, working style and the way you dress all comes in the form of a pattern. Thatís good because those patterns are what give you identity. You recognize yourself because you recognize your patterns.

When Iím tired, especially, I canít help but mimic patterns. Itís not because I want to be like other people. As a matter of fact, I hate it. As soon as I recognize a pattern as not my own, Iím horrified. Even while horrified, sometimes I canít control it.

As if that doesnít sound bad enough, I donít stay in one place. I jump from pattern to pattern as quickly as I can recognize them. The shocking thing is that no one seems to notice, and Iím very grateful for that.

When I am in the habit of regular meditation and generally feeling good and in control of my compulsions, then my own patterns can come out. I like my own patterns. Thatís when I start to recognize myself and start to feel more at home.

Thatís what I meant by not feeling quite like myself.

Iíve noticed that during the past few weeks that Iíve started to regress back to gritting my teeth trying to convince myself that I am fine when Iím obviously not fine.

Why am I not fine?

I was not blessed with an innate sense of peace. Maybe its biology, or upbringing, or some combination of both, but my sense of peace comes bit by bit, in little molecule-sized blocks that I alone must procure and piece together. It has the archival quality of morning dew.

Perhaps itís a rare person thatís innately peaceful. If it were common, I guess we wouldnít need things like faith and long bubble baths.

I did a couple of hours of meditation on Sunday, and I hope to continue that trend. Iíll be better off.

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Thursday, Mar. 20, 2008 at 10:02 PM