My schedule seems to be swallowing me whole, chewing me up and spitting me out.

I made the concerted effort to clean up my April schedule. I have about three weeks to focus on karate. Adam is supposedly going to help me train and get my jumping back. I was once ridiculously acrobatic for a woman in her 30ís (ok, ok, just barely in her 30s), but still. Now, Iím just semi-acrobatic, and before I can do the jumping, spinning thing and breaking two boards, I need to remember how to get my body into the air.

Anyway, the obligations pile on. Despite my efforts, Iím still mucking around with 16 hour days, where I am lucky to have five minutes to check my email.

This 70 degree weather is doing wonders for me, though. Energy is returning to my limbs. Lately, Iíve been feeling like I just donít have the energy to do what Iím doing, but Iíve improving this week.

Last week, during an exceptionally low point, Adam and I had our first fight. I think itís lucky that when Iím feeling exceptionally low, I donít have the energy to put into anger, anymore. Instead, I retreated to my cave, which gave me time to think about my true feelings and put together a calm and rational explanation. Calm and rational is the best way for me. Without it, I have a frightening temper that scares even me.

Later, even after the misunderstanding was cleared up, Adam complained of me distancing myself. At the time, I was still feeling emotionally spent. Emotionally spent on what? My life, I suppose?

Typically, when things get too difficult for me, my emotions turn off, and I turn into a robotic zombie, accomplishing the necessary tasks, but not present. Funny thing is, I honestly didnít think heíd notice.

Once he mentioned it, I felt a bit idiotic for believing that it was something that could go completely unnoticed, especially to someone like him. Mainly because in previous relationships, it would go on unnoticed for months.

Today, even after all has been explained and forgiven, I still feel an incredible sense of guilt for not always having the perfect response to every situation.

Iíve been tired. Iím also very sensitive to seasonal affective disorder. Every winter is a black hole of long cold days, and longer, colder evenings.

And yesterday, everything was still long explained and forgiven, I still felt compelled to ask for forgiveness. Iím just not myself.

Iím not my perfect, perfect self because I work all day and then practice karate for 3 hours straight. Iím cold. Itís dark. I canít eat. I donít sleep.

It doesnít matter, though. Not only does he forgive me for being human, he actually forgives me. None of that, ďYou made a mistake, so Iím going to make you pay for all eternityĒ stuff.

Now itís me who has to learn how to forgive me.

Iíve been all over this stuff before. I wonder how long I will be dealing with the dragon of self-loathing. Maybe itís just human nature.

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Friday, Apr. 11, 2008 at 10:33 PM