I just got off of one of those long and pointless conference calls, where you do nothing but try to not sigh too heavily into the phone.

I have a board meeting tonight, too.

I am starting to feel like I have the weight of the world in my shoulders. I know I just need some quiet time to myself, but every minute I take for myself, I am spending that minute feeling guilty that Iím taking time for myself.

I know that everything that I influence will benefit if I just take the time to relax.

At one point, I was a very smart girl because I surrounded myself with forgiving and understanding people. Now that Iím hitting a rough patch, I am not suffering too badly.

I just noticed that today is my six month anniversary with Adam. It went so quickly. It especially went quick considering that I had to survive a winter to get through these past six months. Now Iím looking forward summer.

I might buy a surfboard later this week. Itís a crazy indulgence, but a friend of a friend of a friend (or something like that) owns a surf shop and can get me an pretty good deal on a board that sounds like it would suit me well. It wouldnít be an issue, except I am dropping about $200 in May, so I can go skydiving.

I donít really think that skydiving is all that thrilling. Of course, Iíve never been skydiving, so Iím not an authority. However, every person Iíve spoken to who has done this activity keeps telling me that itís well worth every cent, and OHMYGOD, donít pass up the opportunity to leap out of a plane!

The part that appeals to me is that itís $200 for a learning experience. Itís not a tandem jump. Iíll be learning how to be a real skydiver, and then jumping out of a plane all by myself.

The tandem thing just seems like nothing more than thrill seeking, to me.

Yeah, and uh, the other thing, thatís not thrill seeking at all. Itís educational!

I have friends and acquaintances that donít see anything wrong with thrill seeking. To me, itís like vanity. Itís not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but it has the potential to start playing a bigger role in your life than it ought to.

Adam believes that jumping out of a plane will help him with his Buddhist practice. Iím not sure how one relates to the other, but I own the strange trait of not being afraid of death. Not that I face death, regularly. Perhaps when the time comes, I will be singing a different tune.

Anyway, I am not going to torture myself anymore with pretending that I can survive without taking anything for myself. Now that I think about it, Iím not even going to feel guilty about buying the surfboard.

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I just got back from the board meeting. After reading over this entry, it occurs to me how quickly we change. Not just from year to year, but from hour to hour.

Our board meeting is held at a Quaker meeting house. I arrived early and I wandered into their cemetery while I waited.

While sitting there, amongst the blooming trees and other plant varieties that I couldn't possibly name, I really felt that each person resting there was at peace. I don't usually hang out in cemeteries, but when I happen to pass one (which happens a lot in Philadelphia, they're everywhere), I don't usually get that sense.

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Monday, Apr. 14, 2008 at 10:29 PM