I wrote this one last week, but forgot to post it:

Iíve been having a rough time with depression, this week. Yesterday, I was a complete mess.

I didnít sleep much the night before, and I looked something like a scarecrow after itíd been through the washer and dryer.

Yesterday was one of those days where I hit one of those bottom ledges. I woke up and rather than having breakfast, I sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes. Then I got dressed and off to work!

The nice thing about a bottom ledge is that it exhausts me to the point where I donít bother fighting it. It seeps into all the cracks, and there, while marinating in it, I start to see things more clearly. By the end of the day, I was still exhausted and depressed. I went to bed after dinner. I passed out immediately. I tried to get up again around 9:30, but I was completely incoherent, so back to bed I went.

I woke up this morning feeling better.

The little bit of clarity that I got yesterday showed me that even though I learned how to be happy on my own (i.e. when everything in my life is tightly controlled), I still have to learn how to be happy when there are people around (i.e. when I have to be a little more flexible).

Just because I think that things are looking pretty good on paper, that doesnít necessarily mean that they are always going to feel good.

I am tired of battling the same old demons, but for whatever reason, I will always be battling them. Just yesterday, I listened to a broadcast of Speaking of Faith about depression, and the Krista Tippet asked about depression for people who are always in survival mode. Such as, the people in war zones, the people where food, water and shelter are scarce.

The guest (I donít remember who it was) said that people who are preoccupied with survival are just too busy to get depressed. There is no room in the brain for depression.

I guess this is why depression is so prominent in places like the US. People are more depressed because we have the time to think about being depressed.

If I had the choice between nearly dying every day and merely being depressed every day, Iíd go with this.

Iíve been having a lot of up and down episodes because Iím letting too much of my inner self be influenced by the outer world. My environment is always going to be fluctuating because impermanence is the nature of the universe. I donít have to get caught up in that spazzy up and down rollercoaster of life. I can maintain something much more stable if Iím willing to the work into it.

Of course, I knew all of that when I could tightly control my environment, but then, it didnít matter because I could tightly control my environment. I could go out into the world, weather a little bit of impermanence and then retreat back into my house, where I could rejuvenate.

Now, life is different. Adam cares a lot about my state of being, and what I am up to. I find it weird and stressful, but I just have to remember that I find it weird and stressful and have patience with myself. I can say, ďSo, youíre weirded out and stressed out by this. Go ahead and be weirded out and stressed out. Heíll wait.Ē

Itís true, heíll wait. Iím the one who doesnít have patience with me. Iím the only one in this relationship that has ever thought I that I am not good enough.

I get depressed because I am a jerk to myself. Then I feel guilty for feeling down and get even jerkier to myself.

So, yesterday, I said, ďWhy donít I just give myself a break and give myself a chance to get better?Ē

Today, I feel better. Tomorrow, who knows?

One day at a time.

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Monday, Jan. 19, 2009 at 10:02 AM