I feel like a lot of weird things have been going on in my psyche. There was the episode where I was constantly suffering from intense anger after every meditation.

I somehow got over that. It felt rocky and tough.

I started doing whatever I could to heal myself, but still felt wounded in so many ways.

Last week, I came to a realization of how I was sabotaging my own happiness. I don�t know why, but who cares why? I know how, so for now, that�s all I care about.

I was in the middle of a particularly meditative yoga session and I collapsed on the floor and sobbed and that felt cleansing, but I still felt bruised. Like, I�d cleansed myself, but I�d done it by beating myself on rocks in a cold stream.

After meditation yesterday, I felt particularly depressed. It was in the same vein as the inexplicable anger. I moved from anger to depression. I was relieved. At least with depression, I�m the only one who really suffers.

Well, kinda. Adam only asked me if I�m ok about 1,882,340 times. I didn�t necessarily feel un-ok. I�m sure I didn�t feel good, but I need to be alone to sort through my emotions. I can�t have distractions; such as, people asking me questions. There are certain lower levels of �ok� that I�ll loiter in, not really sure where I am, but not really caring too much, either.

Sometimes I just need to sit and feel how I feel. Unapologetic. Accepting. That�s when bad emotions get their fill of being around and retreat for awhile.

My main feeling now is, �I don�t want to do this,� and �I don�t want to be here.� What is �this� and where is �here?� I don�t know. Language isn�t my first language. Maybe I mean it in the broadest sense, �this� being life, and �here� meaning Earth.

Anyway, friends visited on Saturday and it was good. Really good. Sometimes there are people in your life who openly accept you and make you feel good about yourself. I hadn�t seen them in years and years. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw them was when I stood up in their wedding.

I should be reeling with happiness, but my dissatisfaction runs deeper than something merely circumstantial. Well, I�m sure it does to some extent, but I have circumstances that I feel I can�t change.

I won�t change. I won�t change them because they are good.

I have issues, but they are all internal. I wouldn�t say that they are necessarily good, bad or dysfunctional, but they are most certainly human.

Deep down, I feel a weird kind of satisfaction knowing that my issues make me human. My struggle with dissatisfaction is the thing that most closely bonds me with nearly everyone in my life. It�s a human condition. We struggle with dissatisfaction, we bond over it, we commiserate over it.

But, that�s just merely a weird kind of satisfaction. Other than that, I wouldn�t say that I like it much.

If it were gone, and I floated through life, separated from the rest of the world by a few inches of satisfaction, I wonder where I would be?

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