I feel like a lot of weird things have been going on in my psyche. There was the episode where I was constantly suffering from intense anger after every meditation.
I somehow got over that. It felt rocky and tough.
I started doing whatever I could to heal myself, but still felt wounded in so many ways.
Last week, I came to a realization of how I was sabotaging my own happiness. I donít know why, but who cares why? I know how, so for now, thatís all I care about.
I was in the middle of a particularly meditative yoga session and I collapsed on the floor and sobbed and that felt cleansing, but I still felt bruised. Like, Iíd cleansed myself, but Iíd done it by beating myself on rocks in a cold stream.
After meditation yesterday, I felt particularly depressed. It was in the same vein as the inexplicable anger. I moved from anger to depression. I was relieved. At least with depression, Iím the only one who really suffers.
Well, kinda. Adam only asked me if Iím ok about 1,882,340 times. I didnít necessarily feel un-ok. Iím sure I didnít feel good, but I need to be alone to sort through my emotions. I canít have distractions; such as, people asking me questions. There are certain lower levels of ďokĒ that Iíll loiter in, not really sure where I am, but not really caring too much, either.
Sometimes I just need to sit and feel how I feel. Unapologetic. Accepting. Thatís when bad emotions get their fill of being around and retreat for awhile.
My main feeling now is, ďI donít want to do this,Ē and ďI donít want to be here.Ē What is ďthisĒ and where is ďhere?Ē I donít know. Language isnít my first language. Maybe I mean it in the broadest sense, ďthisĒ being life, and ďhereĒ meaning Earth.
Anyway, friends visited on Saturday and it was good. Really good. Sometimes there are people in your life who openly accept you and make you feel good about yourself. I hadnít seen them in years and years. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw them was when I stood up in their wedding.
I should be reeling with happiness, but my dissatisfaction runs deeper than something merely circumstantial. Well, Iím sure it does to some extent, but I have circumstances that I feel I canít change.
I wonít change. I wonít change them because they are good.
I have issues, but they are all internal. I wouldnít say that they are necessarily good, bad or dysfunctional, but they are most certainly human.
Deep down, I feel a weird kind of satisfaction knowing that my issues make me human. My struggle with dissatisfaction is the thing that most closely bonds me with nearly everyone in my life. Itís a human condition. We struggle with dissatisfaction, we bond over it, we commiserate over it.
But, thatís just merely a weird kind of satisfaction. Other than that, I wouldnít say that I like it much.
If it were gone, and I floated through life, separated from the rest of the world by a few inches of satisfaction, I wonder where I would be?
|Monday, Feb. 23, 2009 at 6:06 PM|