Last night was Nicoleís salsa competition. I wish I could make any kind of commentary on her performance, but I was given the task of video-recording the event. I canít really watch and record at the same time. From what I could see in the view-finder, she did an amazing job.

The other contestants were pretty amazing, too. I was pretty mute the whole night. I had a stressful week. There was dancing before the competition, and I didnít even want to go. Instead, I chose to show up directly before it started. Adam didnít seem to mind, but I think he would have enjoyed a little pre-competition dancing.

It seems that the more I know about salsa, the less I feel like a natural dancer. The fundamentals of salsa are much more natural now than they were when I first started, but Iím also more aware of what Iím doing wrong. Of course, thatís silly, salsa is meant to be fun. Thatís obvious anytime you dance with a Latin person, who grew up doing that very dance. They didnít start dancing because they wanted to be critical of themselves.

I woke up this morning with a headache. Adam went to some lecture thing at a local university, so itís nice and quiet in the house. I meant to use the time to go running in the park, but I canít seem to get myself moving. Maybe some indoor activity would be better.

I think itís a lack-of-caffeine headache. I slept late; therefore, I wasnít up having some black tea first thing. Iím having some green tea now and the headache is subsiding.

I wish I had more to say. I feel like I need to express myself, but Iím feeling clogged up. Iíll be doing a lot of meditation tomorrow, so that will make a difference. It could be a scary difference, but it will be a difference.

Maybe part of it is that I just havenít had enough physical activity. During the past 6 months or so, Iíve put on fat. Iíve gone from a perfect size 2 to a perfect size 4.

I donít like it. Iím not accustomed to it. Iíve been doing weight training, and itís helpful, but not the ultimate activity. Karate has been slow, lately. People are getting ready for testing. Itís been too cold to run. I used to be very much an endurance athlete and Iím very much not, now.

It does depress me. Even if Iím not thinking about it, I still feel it. I told Adam how now, when I move, I can feel my fat jiggling, and I donít like it. He just thought I was crazy.

Iím not small, structurally speaking. Iíve got a big, square frame, and previously had a low-body fat percentage. Iíve always looked muscular and athletic. It wasnít my personal preference, but Iíd learned to appreciate it.

Iíve always preferred the softer-rounder body type. Some people might have a higher body fat percentage, but they have rounded little shoulders and cute plump hips. I wonder if I had that, if I would sit around wishing that I looked like an athlete?

I have a weird psychology. Maybe I am always destined to be critical of myself.

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Saturday, Mar. 14, 2009 at 11:58 AM