Last night was Nicole�s salsa competition. I wish I could make any kind of commentary on her performance, but I was given the task of video-recording the event. I can�t really watch and record at the same time. From what I could see in the view-finder, she did an amazing job.

The other contestants were pretty amazing, too. I was pretty mute the whole night. I had a stressful week. There was dancing before the competition, and I didn�t even want to go. Instead, I chose to show up directly before it started. Adam didn�t seem to mind, but I think he would have enjoyed a little pre-competition dancing.

It seems that the more I know about salsa, the less I feel like a natural dancer. The fundamentals of salsa are much more natural now than they were when I first started, but I�m also more aware of what I�m doing wrong. Of course, that�s silly, salsa is meant to be fun. That�s obvious anytime you dance with a Latin person, who grew up doing that very dance. They didn�t start dancing because they wanted to be critical of themselves.

I woke up this morning with a headache. Adam went to some lecture thing at a local university, so it�s nice and quiet in the house. I meant to use the time to go running in the park, but I can�t seem to get myself moving. Maybe some indoor activity would be better.

I think it�s a lack-of-caffeine headache. I slept late; therefore, I wasn�t up having some black tea first thing. I�m having some green tea now and the headache is subsiding.

I wish I had more to say. I feel like I need to express myself, but I�m feeling clogged up. I�ll be doing a lot of meditation tomorrow, so that will make a difference. It could be a scary difference, but it will be a difference.

Maybe part of it is that I just haven�t had enough physical activity. During the past 6 months or so, I�ve put on fat. I�ve gone from a perfect size 2 to a perfect size 4.

I don�t like it. I�m not accustomed to it. I�ve been doing weight training, and it�s helpful, but not the ultimate activity. Karate has been slow, lately. People are getting ready for testing. It�s been too cold to run. I used to be very much an endurance athlete and I�m very much not, now.

It does depress me. Even if I�m not thinking about it, I still feel it. I told Adam how now, when I move, I can feel my fat jiggling, and I don�t like it. He just thought I was crazy.

I�m not small, structurally speaking. I�ve got a big, square frame, and previously had a low-body fat percentage. I�ve always looked muscular and athletic. It wasn�t my personal preference, but I�d learned to appreciate it.

I�ve always preferred the softer-rounder body type. Some people might have a higher body fat percentage, but they have rounded little shoulders and cute plump hips. I wonder if I had that, if I would sit around wishing that I looked like an athlete?

I have a weird psychology. Maybe I am always destined to be critical of myself.

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