God, I think if it rains anymore, I really am going to get out the machete. Lately, Iíve been feeling lot like I canít get a grip and I feel so down on myself because I canít get a grip.

Itís like walking around with your hair on fire all the time. You want to run around screaming and beating your head against random objects, but youíre a normal person that lives in normal society, you have to walk around with a straight face instead. Anyone who says or does anything that isnít putting out the fire just makes you want to punch them in the face.

Itís an invisible fire, of course, but my back muscles are knotted up and my teeth have been ground to the point where I need serious dental work (and trust me, a series of dental appointments are not exactly a relaxing exercise, especially with my practically non-existent dental coverage). Grinding my teeth has lead to me to constant headaches, tooth sensitivity and yay, oral surgery.

I know how to take care of myself, I really do. I have an issue with taking care of myself when there are other people around. Sounds crazy, doesnít it?

The problem is that is absolutely impossible to be healed without experiencing a little bit of vulnerability. If the mere presence of another individual puts you in fight or flight mode, and isolation is hard to come by, you donít get a lot of healing done.

This must be why psychotherapy has never worked for me. Trust. I have a feeling that I will have to drag myself to hell and back to teach myself something that is simple and natural to most of the human race.

The other thing is that Iím just not that sane. I have to shield myself from dozens of things because I am so prone to sensory overload. I got a white noise machine to make it so I can sleep through the night (you know, without jumping out of bed every time a cat walks by) and the sound of that gives me nightmares.

I need lots and lots of healing time.

I really need a lot now.

Also, some sun would be helpful because I seem to have a very severe case of seasonal affective disorder. I could get a light box, but who knows, thatíll probably give me nightmares, too.

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Tuesday, May. 05, 2009 at 6:04 PM