God, I think if it rains anymore, I really am going to get out the machete. Lately, I�ve been feeling lot like I can�t get a grip and I feel so down on myself because I can�t get a grip.

It�s like walking around with your hair on fire all the time. You want to run around screaming and beating your head against random objects, but you�re a normal person that lives in normal society, you have to walk around with a straight face instead. Anyone who says or does anything that isn�t putting out the fire just makes you want to punch them in the face.

It�s an invisible fire, of course, but my back muscles are knotted up and my teeth have been ground to the point where I need serious dental work (and trust me, a series of dental appointments are not exactly a relaxing exercise, especially with my practically non-existent dental coverage). Grinding my teeth has lead to me to constant headaches, tooth sensitivity and yay, oral surgery.

I know how to take care of myself, I really do. I have an issue with taking care of myself when there are other people around. Sounds crazy, doesn�t it?

The problem is that is absolutely impossible to be healed without experiencing a little bit of vulnerability. If the mere presence of another individual puts you in fight or flight mode, and isolation is hard to come by, you don�t get a lot of healing done.

This must be why psychotherapy has never worked for me. Trust. I have a feeling that I will have to drag myself to hell and back to teach myself something that is simple and natural to most of the human race.

The other thing is that I�m just not that sane. I have to shield myself from dozens of things because I am so prone to sensory overload. I got a white noise machine to make it so I can sleep through the night (you know, without jumping out of bed every time a cat walks by) and the sound of that gives me nightmares.

I need lots and lots of healing time.

I really need a lot now.

Also, some sun would be helpful because I seem to have a very severe case of seasonal affective disorder. I could get a light box, but who knows, that�ll probably give me nightmares, too.

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