I�ve been thinking about getting a new laptop. I have a really ancient desktop that I still use. It just needs to be reinstalled, but it will never be able to run anything more than XP. The screen of my laptop is cracked. I couldn�t tell you exactly how it got so cracked. I just opened it one day, and there it was; a giant crack across the screen.

Anyway, so, prior to that, I figured, I�d spend a couple of hundred dollars on some new desktop parts, Frankenstein it with some of my old desktop parts and have a new computer. The cracked laptop screen halted those plans. Even though I�m usually not one to do a lot of computing while travelling, I like to be able to move around the house, plus, I kind of like being part of the same millennium of other computer users.

I�m still trying to figure out the specifics of what I want. Adam had a couple of friends over on Sunday, and one works for Sony. He can get me a good deal on a VAIO. I like Sony products, but only buy them when I�m splurging because of the price.

So, yes, Adam had some friends over on Sunday. Adam is like me in the sense that he moved during the later part of his developmental years, but never became a native of his new home. In his case, he went from New York to North Jersey, which holds a much bigger distinction in his mind than it does in mine. However, he is clearly not native to the same place of these two friends of his. They are thoroughly North Jersey and I can�t help finding the whole stereotype really funny. Not that I don�t see the humanity that is clearly there. It makes me wonder about people who try to blot out their own humanity by covering it with a stereotype, though.

Yesterday, I was really, really worn out. Saturday was a day of climbing, and Sunday, we started out with meditation and Frisbee in the park, then house cleaning, then his friends showed up, and I played my first game of Ultimate Frisbee.

I often forget that I�m actually much more athletic than I perceive myself to be. I always equate sports with gym class. Gym always meant feeling awkward, fear of injury and pointless competition.

I know I�ve complained about it before, but it�s almost like gym class is designed to get kids to hate any kind of physical activity.

In my adult life, I was given the option of starting out slow, and I think that�s true in most adult situations. Adults allow you to take things in whatever way you want to take them.

I could practice the basics of anything (such as throwing a Frisbee) without being thrown into a real game and expected to know how to throw, catch, remember the rules (which I still find confusing) and cope with people moving around and yelling, all at the same time. I think I get sensory overload much easier than the average person.

I have trouble climbing if people are on the ground ignoring me and talking to each other. If someone starts talking to me, it�s downright impossible.

In karate, you start with the basics, and you work on the basics for a long, long time. You�re not forced to spar your first day (although, maybe that happens in some of the meaner schools). In gym class, they have you doing everything the first day, and you�re school age, so you�re already coping with the burden of learning self-awareness on top of it.

Anyway, as far as Frisbee goes, I�ve become comfortable enough with just throwing and catching, where I can take on other the other burdens. It�s kind of an amazing thing to realize that all this time that I haven�t been hopelessly uncoordinated. I just wasn�t given the opportunity to learn in a way that suits me.

It�s incredible how we always have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We can always do things that we thought we could never do, and be things that we never thought we�d become.

Speaking of which, my brother emailed me over the weekend to let me know that my dad fell ill. He had some kind of alcohol abuse induced pancreatic thing. He�s supposed to fast for several days to clear it up. I called him on Sunday. He wasn�t hospitalized, but staying in a hotel, fasting on his own. My brother emailed me again today to tell me that now he has been hospitalized.

It�s so strange how my dad was never one to value life, not even his own, but now he�s talking about how he�s going to quit drinking. He actually used to words �alcohol abuse� in reference to himself, for the first time, ever.

It did occur to me that he is quickly approaching the age that his mother was when she died. She died of cancer, fairly young. I�m sure that�s occurred to him, as well. Joe actually mentioned that our dad suddenly seems afraid of death, when previously he always seemed to be inviting it. I guess it�s partly because humans never believe that they are really going to die.

Despite that, given history, we have no reason to believe anyone will survive life, we always believe ourselves to be the one exception. When we realize we aren�t going to be the one exception, a lot of stuff changes. I can�t really say how, but I think it�s a big turning point in a lot of people�s lives.

I suppose a lot of people die before they even realize that they�re going to die, too.

I don�t know how I think about it for myself. I was always very much aware of my dad�s mortality. Drug-addicts and alcoholics don�t last long. I think that�s pretty well-established.

Anyway, ever since Adam and I came back from California, we�ve been trying to do more regular meditation and I think it�s helped us both considerably. He�s been really restless in his sleep and even had trouble sleeping last night. That�s unusual for him, so I�m guessing that the meditation is starting to dig some stuff up. It�s a necessary part of becoming who you are, but it�s always kind of painful.

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