Iím taking things slow at work today. I woke up feeling anxious and edgy.

During lunch, I got caught in the rain. Since I knew it was not going to be too hot today, I put on a heavier top with ĺ inch sleeves. This is a little warmer than a t-shirt, except when it gets wet.

To make life easier for me today, I put on a sports bra, so I wouldnít have to deal with multiple bras between work and karate. I didnít think itíd be a big deal, especially since I have a heavier shirt on. And, it wouldnít have been a big deal except for getting wet and cold, which lead to having to sit in my cube covered with a fleece jacket and sipping hot tea to avert the danger of poking someoneís eye out.

Iím just starting to warm up again after having to come back to sit in a heavily air conditioned office. Life is getting to be a little less unpleasant. I picked up a large portion of Icelandic chocolate while I was out. Iím often surprised at how far chocolate can go when it comes to healing. No wonder some traditions consider chocolate to be a medicine.

Doesnít it seem like only good things come from Iceland? Chocolate, Sigor Ros, Bjork, pretty Icelandic accents. Maybe I should move there.

I guess the rain is back. Today is a down day. Iíve been sticking to my meditation, but I donít know if Iíd say that Iím feeling markedly better. Earlier this week, I asked if I could have yesterday evening to myself, which I got, but I still feel like it wasnít enough. I go through phases where I should just be left alone.

The organizer for the backpacking trip I did this past weekend emailed me to ask if Iíd post pictures on the group website. Normally this is something that Iíd jump on immediately, but my desktop is on itís last legs. Barely anything runs on it, anymore, and as Iíve mentioned before, the screen on my laptop is cracked. Apparently, Sony is in the process of building the computer I ordered from them. It seems like that shouldnít take too long, but who knows?

Once the new computer arrives, Iím going to pull the 300 gig hard drive out of the desktop and make it into an external drive, then reinstall the desktop. I might get a couple of little pieces of hardware to help it run better, and I think I wonít put windows on it, so I wonít have to worry about it being too vulnerable to windowsy diseases.

So, anyway, I feel some kind of pressure to get the photos off the camera, edited and uploaded, which I havenít done in awhile. Photos have been building up without going anywhere, mainly because I havenít made it a priority to really do anything with them and make sure that I have the computational resources to do so.

The desktop IS powerful enough to work with them, as long as itís in good working order, but itís just not in good working order and hasnít been for awhile.

My body is still achy from this weekend. I donít know if Iím old or just out of shape. I suppose it could be combination of both. My energy has been up this week, though, which might be related to all the exercise, too.

Iím starting to wonder if my down mood has been related to lack of a creative outlet. I think getting the new computer and being able to play around with some photos might satisfy that desire. Iím primarily a visual individual, but my drawing and art skills are so far gone that I donít really have much hope of doing anything really sophisticated. A little bit of photoshop might be all I need.

Itís such a frustrating experience to degrade in some ways, even if it isnít in all ways. Iím sure that if I had never had any kind of artistic chops, then my current skill level wouldnít be any big deal to me. However, knowing that Iíve actually gone backwards, even though I have moved forward in lifeÖ well, why does that feeling suck for just about everyone?

I know that with a certain amount of practice, I could improve quite a bit. I just donít know how committed I am to practicing.

I keep having this nagging feeling that something big is going to change. Iíve been having it for months. It feels like itís getting closer, but the thing is, Iím often a full year off when it comes to stuff like this. That way, the feeling can pass and then I can forget about it during the course of the year and be surprised by it after Iíve accepted that I was just insane and having feelings that donít signify anything.

So, that really throws off a lot of predictability.

Although, Iím also right, something big is about to change. Adam quit his job. Heís starting school next month. However, I just feel like this nagging change is going to affect my lifestyle, and where he goes during the day doesnít really make THAT much difference to me.

I donít remember when it was, two or three years ago, I stopped by one of those street psychics because I had strong feelings that things were going to change. Of course, I only walked away feeling as though it had been an interesting experience, but not useful at all. My life was taking a huge turn around that time and I knew it, but that could have also been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nowadays, I canít really say that it would be self-fulfilling. I donít see myself making waves in my life. Well. I am almost an OCD wave maker in some ways. I habitually rock the boat because I grew up in a perpetually rocky boat, but itís getting less and less so as I get older.

So, who knows? Maybe weíll get universal healthcare and Iíll lose my job. I hope I get a decent severance package.

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Thursday, Jul. 23, 2009 at 4:43 PM