I�m taking things slow at work today. I woke up feeling anxious and edgy.

During lunch, I got caught in the rain. Since I knew it was not going to be too hot today, I put on a heavier top with � inch sleeves. This is a little warmer than a t-shirt, except when it gets wet.

To make life easier for me today, I put on a sports bra, so I wouldn�t have to deal with multiple bras between work and karate. I didn�t think it�d be a big deal, especially since I have a heavier shirt on. And, it wouldn�t have been a big deal except for getting wet and cold, which lead to having to sit in my cube covered with a fleece jacket and sipping hot tea to avert the danger of poking someone�s eye out.

I�m just starting to warm up again after having to come back to sit in a heavily air conditioned office. Life is getting to be a little less unpleasant. I picked up a large portion of Icelandic chocolate while I was out. I�m often surprised at how far chocolate can go when it comes to healing. No wonder some traditions consider chocolate to be a medicine.

Doesn�t it seem like only good things come from Iceland? Chocolate, Sigor Ros, Bjork, pretty Icelandic accents. Maybe I should move there.

I guess the rain is back. Today is a down day. I�ve been sticking to my meditation, but I don�t know if I�d say that I�m feeling markedly better. Earlier this week, I asked if I could have yesterday evening to myself, which I got, but I still feel like it wasn�t enough. I go through phases where I should just be left alone.

The organizer for the backpacking trip I did this past weekend emailed me to ask if I�d post pictures on the group website. Normally this is something that I�d jump on immediately, but my desktop is on it�s last legs. Barely anything runs on it, anymore, and as I�ve mentioned before, the screen on my laptop is cracked. Apparently, Sony is in the process of building the computer I ordered from them. It seems like that shouldn�t take too long, but who knows?

Once the new computer arrives, I�m going to pull the 300 gig hard drive out of the desktop and make it into an external drive, then reinstall the desktop. I might get a couple of little pieces of hardware to help it run better, and I think I won�t put windows on it, so I won�t have to worry about it being too vulnerable to windowsy diseases.

So, anyway, I feel some kind of pressure to get the photos off the camera, edited and uploaded, which I haven�t done in awhile. Photos have been building up without going anywhere, mainly because I haven�t made it a priority to really do anything with them and make sure that I have the computational resources to do so.

The desktop IS powerful enough to work with them, as long as it�s in good working order, but it�s just not in good working order and hasn�t been for awhile.

My body is still achy from this weekend. I don�t know if I�m old or just out of shape. I suppose it could be combination of both. My energy has been up this week, though, which might be related to all the exercise, too.

I�m starting to wonder if my down mood has been related to lack of a creative outlet. I think getting the new computer and being able to play around with some photos might satisfy that desire. I�m primarily a visual individual, but my drawing and art skills are so far gone that I don�t really have much hope of doing anything really sophisticated. A little bit of photoshop might be all I need.

It�s such a frustrating experience to degrade in some ways, even if it isn�t in all ways. I�m sure that if I had never had any kind of artistic chops, then my current skill level wouldn�t be any big deal to me. However, knowing that I�ve actually gone backwards, even though I have moved forward in life� well, why does that feeling suck for just about everyone?

I know that with a certain amount of practice, I could improve quite a bit. I just don�t know how committed I am to practicing.

I keep having this nagging feeling that something big is going to change. I�ve been having it for months. It feels like it�s getting closer, but the thing is, I�m often a full year off when it comes to stuff like this. That way, the feeling can pass and then I can forget about it during the course of the year and be surprised by it after I�ve accepted that I was just insane and having feelings that don�t signify anything.

So, that really throws off a lot of predictability.

Although, I�m also right, something big is about to change. Adam quit his job. He�s starting school next month. However, I just feel like this nagging change is going to affect my lifestyle, and where he goes during the day doesn�t really make THAT much difference to me.

I don�t remember when it was, two or three years ago, I stopped by one of those street psychics because I had strong feelings that things were going to change. Of course, I only walked away feeling as though it had been an interesting experience, but not useful at all. My life was taking a huge turn around that time and I knew it, but that could have also been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nowadays, I can�t really say that it would be self-fulfilling. I don�t see myself making waves in my life. Well. I am almost an OCD wave maker in some ways. I habitually rock the boat because I grew up in a perpetually rocky boat, but it�s getting less and less so as I get older.

So, who knows? Maybe we�ll get universal healthcare and I�ll lose my job. I hope I get a decent severance package.

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Thursday, Jul. 23, 2009 at 4:43 PM