I�m very much in the land of �I DON�T FEEL LIKE IT� and �I CAN�T THINK STRAIGHT, ANYWAY.�

It�s freezing in here today. I don�t mean it�s a bit chilly, either. I mean, I�ve had to go outside several times just so I could feel my legs. I worked from home yesterday, but apparently the A/C was off for part of the morning, and I guess they decided to make up for it by blasting it today.

I�m tired for no reason.

I�ve been home alone for the past 3 or 4 days, and while I wouldn�t say that I�ve been having fun, I would say that I appreciate the change. I like quiet, a lot. I also really like to allow my eccentricities to hang out without fear of judgment. I know that most of the time being judged isn�t an issue, but I�m very weird about a lot of things.

I�ve also felt a lot more motivated and have been more productive, lately. This isn�t to say I�ve gone into race car mode or anything, but the past few months, I�ve felt like I was swimming through molasses. The past week or so, it hasn�t been quite as sticky.

The traverse in the White Mountains helped me a lot. I need the occasional hike that�ll make a person cry. Not that this particular hike made me cry. Honestly, I can�t remember a hike ever making me cry, but if there were such a thing, that�d be the kind of hike I�d like. I�m not masochistic, but there�s something about being challenged to my limits that draws me out of the life-hating cycle I can get into.

I�ve been doing more research on area trails, and thinking about how I can not only torture myself, but whoever else wants to volunteer to come be tortured with me. Oh, it�s going to be fun.

There�s this guy (name withheld for soon-to-be-obvious reasons). He�s the kind of person who crawls under the skins of a lot of people. Obnoxious, believes to know-it-all-but-clearly-doesn�t, and condescending. He leads a lot of area hikes. He once had many people join him on these hikes, but people have gotten wiser and now fewer and fewer people are willing to hike with him.

I only bring it up because he attended a party that I also attended the other day. I avoided speaking to him until I was leaving, I only acknowledged him to say goodbye as I was heading out. As I walked away, I overheard him say, �She looks familiar. She�s probably been on one of my hikes, too!� Argh.

1. He�s met me a million times. He should damn well know who I am.
2. I would never bother with one of his lame hikes.

I had to get that off my chest. For some reason, that comment really irked me.

That is the other reason I am grateful to be alone this week. I have been in the mood from hell, and no one else needs to suffer the consequences of that.

So, anyway, I looked around on Amazon to find some nice trail guides on NJ hikes and Catskill hikes. I haven�t actually ordered anything yet because I want to pass these things by Adam first. He�ll be back later this week, and a few days won�t make a difference.

Last week, I had my mid-year review at work. While I knew I would get a good review, I didn�t realize how good my review would be. Wow, people like me.

It�s kind of funny because my job isn�t nearly as important to me as other people�s jobs are to them, yet, I�m somehow better at it than those people. I had some training on communication recently and the trainer cited a study that shows that success is largely determined by the ability to communicate. Raw intelligence is a small percentage and skill is another small percentage.

While I can write if I have to, I wouldn�t consider myself especially good at it. As far as speaking, sometimes I can do it, and sometimes not. There�s a switch somewhere in my brain. Some days it�s turned on, and other days, it�s off, and it�s completely unpredictable. When I can speak, I do it well.

Frankly, I think my job success has more to do with what I mentioned earlier about wanting to challenge myself to my limits. That doesn�t mean that I make great sacrifices or climb the Everest of work or anything silly like that. Applying my outside skills to my job is very simple; I know my limits. I know how to pace myself. When something looks daunting, I don�t freak out, I get more methodical. If I need a break, I�ll take one. If I need food, I eat. If I do happen to be freaked out, or sleep deprived or just plain not thinking straight, I�ll stop myself. I�ll stop working and say� write a diary entry.

It�s so interesting how when I was younger, all I wanted was to be �normal.� I wanted to fit in. I wouldn�t say that I wanted a homogenized world. I always valued diversity, but I did not value sticking out. Then I went through a period of feeling �mediocre� and hating it. Then I went through a period of feeling �mediocre� and liking it.

Now I�m beginning to wonder whether or not I am as mediocre as I previously thought. What is with my obsession with comparison, anyway?

Do I fit in? Do I not fit in? Am I like others? Who cares? Do I really need that to tell me whether or not I�m happy?

I do often wonder about the happiness of other people, though.

Are they happy? Are they sad? Why or why not? If they aren�t happy, what�s stopping them from changing their lives?

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