Iím very much in the land of ďI DONíT FEEL LIKE ITĒ and ďI CANíT THINK STRAIGHT, ANYWAY.Ē

Itís freezing in here today. I donít mean itís a bit chilly, either. I mean, Iíve had to go outside several times just so I could feel my legs. I worked from home yesterday, but apparently the A/C was off for part of the morning, and I guess they decided to make up for it by blasting it today.

Iím tired for no reason.

Iíve been home alone for the past 3 or 4 days, and while I wouldnít say that Iíve been having fun, I would say that I appreciate the change. I like quiet, a lot. I also really like to allow my eccentricities to hang out without fear of judgment. I know that most of the time being judged isnít an issue, but Iím very weird about a lot of things.

Iíve also felt a lot more motivated and have been more productive, lately. This isnít to say Iíve gone into race car mode or anything, but the past few months, Iíve felt like I was swimming through molasses. The past week or so, it hasnít been quite as sticky.

The traverse in the White Mountains helped me a lot. I need the occasional hike thatíll make a person cry. Not that this particular hike made me cry. Honestly, I canít remember a hike ever making me cry, but if there were such a thing, thatíd be the kind of hike Iíd like. Iím not masochistic, but thereís something about being challenged to my limits that draws me out of the life-hating cycle I can get into.

Iíve been doing more research on area trails, and thinking about how I can not only torture myself, but whoever else wants to volunteer to come be tortured with me. Oh, itís going to be fun.

Thereís this guy (name withheld for soon-to-be-obvious reasons). Heís the kind of person who crawls under the skins of a lot of people. Obnoxious, believes to know-it-all-but-clearly-doesnít, and condescending. He leads a lot of area hikes. He once had many people join him on these hikes, but people have gotten wiser and now fewer and fewer people are willing to hike with him.

I only bring it up because he attended a party that I also attended the other day. I avoided speaking to him until I was leaving, I only acknowledged him to say goodbye as I was heading out. As I walked away, I overheard him say, ďShe looks familiar. Sheís probably been on one of my hikes, too!Ē Argh.

1. Heís met me a million times. He should damn well know who I am.
2. I would never bother with one of his lame hikes.

I had to get that off my chest. For some reason, that comment really irked me.

That is the other reason I am grateful to be alone this week. I have been in the mood from hell, and no one else needs to suffer the consequences of that.

So, anyway, I looked around on Amazon to find some nice trail guides on NJ hikes and Catskill hikes. I havenít actually ordered anything yet because I want to pass these things by Adam first. Heíll be back later this week, and a few days wonít make a difference.

Last week, I had my mid-year review at work. While I knew I would get a good review, I didnít realize how good my review would be. Wow, people like me.

Itís kind of funny because my job isnít nearly as important to me as other peopleís jobs are to them, yet, Iím somehow better at it than those people. I had some training on communication recently and the trainer cited a study that shows that success is largely determined by the ability to communicate. Raw intelligence is a small percentage and skill is another small percentage.

While I can write if I have to, I wouldnít consider myself especially good at it. As far as speaking, sometimes I can do it, and sometimes not. Thereís a switch somewhere in my brain. Some days itís turned on, and other days, itís off, and itís completely unpredictable. When I can speak, I do it well.

Frankly, I think my job success has more to do with what I mentioned earlier about wanting to challenge myself to my limits. That doesnít mean that I make great sacrifices or climb the Everest of work or anything silly like that. Applying my outside skills to my job is very simple; I know my limits. I know how to pace myself. When something looks daunting, I donít freak out, I get more methodical. If I need a break, Iíll take one. If I need food, I eat. If I do happen to be freaked out, or sleep deprived or just plain not thinking straight, Iíll stop myself. Iíll stop working and sayÖ write a diary entry.

Itís so interesting how when I was younger, all I wanted was to be ďnormal.Ē I wanted to fit in. I wouldnít say that I wanted a homogenized world. I always valued diversity, but I did not value sticking out. Then I went through a period of feeling ďmediocreĒ and hating it. Then I went through a period of feeling ďmediocreĒ and liking it.

Now Iím beginning to wonder whether or not I am as mediocre as I previously thought. What is with my obsession with comparison, anyway?

Do I fit in? Do I not fit in? Am I like others? Who cares? Do I really need that to tell me whether or not Iím happy?

I do often wonder about the happiness of other people, though.

Are they happy? Are they sad? Why or why not? If they arenít happy, whatís stopping them from changing their lives?

0 comments so far

Tuesday, Aug. 25, 2009 at 5:19 PM