During lunch, I went to Target and finally purchased a space heater for my cubical. The ventilation system in my office leaves a lot to be desired. If Iím hot, that means itís downright unbearable for most other people. I feel for them, but for the most part, itís too cold in here. Iím quite happy to invest in my own space heater and fleece blanket. Even I admit, itís much easier to get warmer than it is to get colder. At least this way, I donít have to wear 65 layers and keep my hair in my face all day, just for warmth.

Oookay. I was just thinking this morning how odd and inconvenient it is that to eradicate the muck from our brains, it has to come out somehow. Trying to repress it only ends up with a jerky tension sort of leaks out of the sides of an otherwise bright exterior. Itís also no way to live.

I think the only thing that ever helped me clear out the muck without it coming out in an unholy mess is lots of meditation. I havenít been doing that very much this past year. Iíve been meditating, but not consistently. My religion started feeling more like a job than a faith, so, I thought, ďThis is not helping me, and what is religion for if not to HELP?Ē So, I gave up my student status, kinda-sorta. I basically stopped showing up until I received an email from another disciple asking, ďAre you no longer a student here?Ē To which, I have not replied, yet.

Oh, and I just have to mention here that the space heater is ON and it feels GREAT.

Anyway, itís still a process. Sometimes I wish there were a surgery that takes bad stuff out of your brain. I wouldnít mind if it meant that my personality would be different. Maybe Iíd be a little blander, but who really cares?

The weekend was nice. Friday night, we went to salsa. I tried out my new shoes. They look fantastic. They are a silver that is so shiny, itís almost as if they are made of mirrors. They are ever-so-slightly too big and I think that may have caused a couple of blisters that I didnít notice until the next day. It could also be because they arenít totally broken in, yet. For salsafest, I am thinking about getting a pair of jazz shoes, since weíll be on our feet the entire day.

I think Adamís salsa has improved. Although, every time I saw him in the mirror, all I could see was his dad (who is a salsa teacher), and it made me want to giggle.

Afterwards, we took a stroll around Philly. We happened to be in the independence mall area right when the clock struck midnight. Since itís considered to be one of the haunted areas of the city, with lots of revolutionary war bodies underground, I was crossing my fingers that a ghost would happen by. That didnít happen.

Autumn always puts me in the mood for ghost hunting. Itís the most holiday spirit I have all year. I think ghosts must be like cats. If they know you want to pet them, they wonít come anywhere near you.

Saturday, Nicole and I went to Ulta and then to Jo-Anne Fabrics. Oh, I canít really describe how much fun that was. Itís so nice to no longer need to fulfill my need for female companionship through watching Oprah.

On the way, we had a conversation regarding her height. Sheís five foot 9 and a half. As long as Iíve known her, sheís walked tall, straight, worn heels and always exuded the feeling of being completely accepting and confident regarding everything about herself. It was interesting to find out that she wasnít always happy (especially high school and junior high) about the height.

Iíve always thought that if I were that tall, Iíd love it. Iíd strut around feeling the advantage of being able to see above things and reach things on high shelves. Iíd embrace it and scare the hell out of anyone daring to call me cute.

Honestly, it made me realize that I have never really put that much thought into my own height, other than to acknowledge that there are good things and bad things associated with any height.

I know that Iím shorter than average, but not so short that itís notable. Itís so rare for a man to be my height or shorter, that topic doesnít even have a file-folder in my mind. To wear heels or not? Again, my height was never a consideration.

I feel a bit relieved to know that Iím not the only one with deep-seated insecurity. I donít have any about my height, but there are plenty of others. Iím guessing that Iím on the higher-than-average sideÖ but that goes back to that bad-parts-in-my-brain-that-need-to-be-surgically removed, thing.

So, anyway, we went to Jo-Annís fabrics and she introduced me to knitting. She somehow convinced me that it was a good idea to try this thing that I never really had much interest in doing in the first place.

Part of it is being envious of lots of pretty custom-made knit things that other people have and I donít. The other part was being able to think of times when I was helpless to do anything else; riding in cars, watching movies, sitting in waiting rooms and listening to Japanese. Those are all times when Iím aching to be doing something a little more, but being helpless to be doing it.

I resisted for awhile. She made some point about how I shouldnít be afraid that I might start something I canít finish. I canít really remember her exact point because that is undoubtedly not my fear. My fear is that Iíll start something that I will finish.

I have what I call ASD, attention surplus disorderÖ probably what is more commonly referred to as OCD. Isnít it funny how weíre all on that scale and thereís basically no one who is normal? Either you pay TOO much attention or not enoughÖ either way, you need treatment.

To prove my point, armed with a pair of knitting needles (something Iíve never touched before in my life) and a practice skein of yarn, guess what I did all day yesterday? Go on.

I now have three various sized, variously stitched, hand-knitted green rectangles. I told Adam that they were miniature green flags.

I even explained to him how knitting works and made him study the different kinds of stitches. Because, you know, what man doesnít want to know that? He was so sweet to take time from his school work to actually note the differences and compliment the consistency of my work and also to remind me a couple of times that itís my ďfirst dayĒ and my green rectangles donít need to be perfect (hahahahaha).

Now I can start my first real knitting project. I bought some bright-red yarn thatís extremely soft and hairy. Iím going to make a scarf out of it. The pattern is a bit masculine, and I thought the girly yarn would fem it up, just enough.

Letís hope that I finish it within a reasonable amount of time, and by that, I mean I donít want to finish way too soon for any normal person to finish something. This is mostly because itís going to kill my body to sit still for so long and also because Iím supposed to be running my regular life, too. Hand-knitted scarves should be lower priority than things like eating, sleeping and household chores.

Why do you think I went to Target during lunch? I wasnít going to let a few essentials cut into my yoga and knitting time tonight.

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Monday, Oct. 12, 2009 at 7:51 PM