Feeling crappy today. Itís only in an emotional way. This past weekend, we went to a Halloween party. I went as a beauty pageant contestant (Miss Ogyny). By the way, you would not believe how many people do not know what the word ďmisogynyĒ means. Absolutely shocking.

Strangely enough, it was the first time in awhile that Iíve actually felt pretty. I canít really explain why Iíve been feeling so down on myself, lately, but it seems like on a daily basis, Iím dogged with insecurity, self-doubt and low-self esteem. I canít even explain why Iím so obsessed with myself. I wonder if I can blame FB?

Iíve noticed that when I look in the mirror, I donít see my face. I canít see it, no matter how hard I stare. I see lines, freckles, and various other imperfections, but to actually see it objectively as a whole seems to be just beyond my grasp. It seems like I used to do a lot better with that. Perhaps Iíve grown some kind of weird obsession with the details of it, out of my insecurity.

It all comes down to self-worth. I feel the need to be pretty, smart, talented or any number of things to justify my own existence. As if being human isnít enough. When I canít be those things 100% of the time, I feel embarrassed to be me. As if everyone else is in the world waiting for me to prove my own worth. As if most people arenít too worried about proving their own worth to worry about mine. Where did I get this crazy attitude? Why does it seem to bog down some people and not others?

I obsess over imperfections because I believe those things are holding me back. As if I am being held personally responsible for decorating the world with attractive humans and itís my responsibility to eradicate every imperfection, regardless of time, effort and cost.

I donít want to feel unattractive, but I think more than anything, I want to stop feeling like it matters. There are a lot of things that I no longer want to feel like matter. Iíd like to say that I want to stop feeling like they matter because they truly donít matter. Maybe they do, maybe they donít, but I want to stop being tied to the suffering associated with the inevitable ups and downs of every aspect of my life.

Some days I look better than others, some days I dance better than others, some days Iím a better martial artist than others, some days my relationship is in better shape than othersÖ you get the idea. I donít want my self-esteem to be tied to something that I can only control to a limited extent.

As a human being, Iím always going to perform or look better at some points of my life than other points of my life, and the majority of the time, Iím not going to be up to par with where I was when I was at my ďbest.Ē

It doesnít make sense to make a judgment about something that should be static on things that are fluid.

Like Iíve mentioned several times, the past year or so has been especially tough for me. One of the things that had been giving me trouble is this bizarre energy that seems to always be coming out of Adam. This is especially true on days when heís stressed out or excited. For awhile, I was trying to identify what was hurting me so much by focusing on his speech and actions. I could only identify a few minor things. For the most part, his speech and actions are the most well intended around. Yet, so often, I would walk into the room occupied by him, and feel like I was being slammed in the face with this thing. If he turned his attention on me, even with the most innocent of intentions, it would hit me so hard, that I would feel like the situation was borderline abusive.

How have I coped? Well, I havenít, really. I pretended that it wasnít there. It was the best thing I could come up with at the time. Using this method, Iíve nearly fallen apart from the effort of not being driven completely insane by this thing.

It feels a lot like being stuck in a small room with one of those old-fashioned fluorescent lights that have that cold, hard illumination while itís also flickering and buzzing because itís about to die. At first, you might think, ďGee, thatís annoyingĒ but after awhile, itís something akin to the Hippolytus de Marsiliis (aka ďChineseĒ) water torture.

Iím not going to try and guess why, how or what is going on. I bring it up now for a couple of reasons. The first; itís gotten better, lately. The second; itís made me acutely aware of my own energy and how it might affect others, especially those I live with (cats, included).

I suggested that Adam see an acupuncturist. Actually, I suggested that we both go because Iím sure I could benefit, as well. He spoke to his school mentor about it and came home with the phone number of a man who is a highly regarded acupuncturist in the area, as well as an MD.

Adam went to his first appointment on Friday. When I saw him for the first time that evening, I studied the air, looking for changes. Yes, there was a change, but not a huge change. It was still irritating me. I mentioned that it seemed better. He said he didnít feel any better. I was pretty surprised by that. He seemed pretty surprised that I seemed to think it was better.

As this past weekend went on, I noticed that it was sustainably better. There were actually lasting effects, which I didnít expect, at all. This made me immediately want to see this acupuncturist.

He is going back tomorrow. Iím looking forward to that.

Living with this has changed some of my attitudes about a couple of things. Now I know for sure that even if you arenít acting, speaking or even thinking negatively, thereís something that can still get out. Not only can I identify the energy but I also know how painful it is to live with it when itís being projected all over the place.

I think this thing has always been part of my life, but itís only been recently that have I been able to separate it from tangible words and actions.

I can also feel mine getting out. When Iím suffering from pain, stress, anxiety or even feeling stopped up and dead inside, I know that others are receiving this, and it is likely hurting them, too. This is also affecting the cats. My one cat, Dylan, is especially sensitive to me, poor thing. Pain is one of those things that can color everything about you, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, mask it or dress it up. People sense it, and it hurts them, too.

Not only do I owe it to me to feel better, but I owe it to everyone around me. Ironically enough, Iíve known this particular thing about myself for awhile, and big part of my anxiety is that I feel guilty for not being able to control my energy more.

When Iím depressed, I can feel it seeping out, crawling along the floor, like a dense fog. Some people will cut right through it, walking as if thereís nothing there, and some people will slog through, like you just dumped a swamp in front of them.

I donít know whatís going on, but I do know that Iím in desperate need to get my own energy regulated.

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Monday, Oct. 26, 2009 at 8:16 PM