Iím feeling rough today. We were up until about 4AM, and I could only sleep until 8, this morning. I napped in the afternoon. Adam is working on another paper today.

I think that maybe I am starting to feel more normal, but between last Tuesday and now, Iíve probably cried more than Iíve cried the whole prior year put together. I didnít have a specific reason, other than my pent up bad feelings were finally starting to flow.

During the past few years, Iíve been aware that Iíve had a lot of irrational fears that I had become skillful at maneuvering around in my regular life. Using these skills to maneuver around my fears was keeping firmly in one place. Only so much growth can occur when you donít move into the scary realms. I knew this, and I tried to push myself, but I wasnít responding positively. Rather than jauntily move forward, I was digging my claws into the ground, playing dead or shutting off. Anything I could do to stop the forward movement, I put it out there.

Itís not something I did intentionally, at least not consciously intentionally. I hated myself for being so cowardly, so frail, and so dysfunctional. That hatred for myself only served to make me worse.

Although I donít, I feel like I have to include a disclaimer about what Iím about to say regarding my spiritual health. I feel the obligation because Iím immersed in western philosophy, spirituality and culture. I can imagine some of my more western thinking friends dismissing my experiences because they donít fit into the western paradigm.

My disclaimer (which it really shouldnít be, but thatís what Iím calling it) being that my perspective is heavily influenced by eastern philosophy, spirituality and culture. I grew up with one foot in each hemisphere. It seems to me that the further east you go, the more comfortable people are with the unseen parts of our world.

As a practicing Buddhist, and not western-convert, but someone who entered Buddhist temples as a baby, the superstition of it is much more acceptable to me. I have to add, here, that I say this because a large percentage of western Buddhist converts are very happy to accept Buddhist philosophies and thought, but have no interest in the superstition of it. I also have to say that Iím only saying ďsuperstitionĒ because most people recognize the unseen, other-wordly, paranormal part of a religion to be superstition (unless, of course, you happen to be talking about god to a Christian, then watch out). The word is not meant to be commentary on the trueness of the belief.

After all of that, Iím actually not going to say anything about Buddhist superstition. Iím going to talk about Yogic superstition.

Since Yoga and Buddhism both originate in India, thereís enough overlap between the two where Iím comfortable accepting what they have to say about their beliefs.

Where it relates to me is in my throat Chakra. I admit, the word ďchakraĒ even gave me the heebeejeebees at first.

When I was talking to my reiki teacher, who also happens to be very well versed with the Indian tradition of energy work, I mentioned to her several times the problems Iíve had with my neck, throat and jaw area. This past year, itís gotten to the point where I get stress-induced swelling in my glands. Iíd discussed it with my dentist and saw an ENT about it.

Earlier in the day, Iíd mentioned off-handedly that I had studied art in school. After mentioning my throat issues a couple of times, she asked me about my current job. I told her. She happens to do something similar in her own work (the actual making-money kind of work that she does), so I didnít have to explain very far, luckily.

She theorized that because the throat chakra is related to communication and creativity, itís possible that I my lack of a creative outlet in my regular day-to-day is causing a lot of my discontentment, and itís causing an energy blockage in my throat. I said that it was funny that she said that because I often feel like I have things to express, but they canít come out, like they are literally blocked. This causes a lot of pressure inside of me, and then I get allÖ well, messed up.

This is also accompanied by the fact that I'm suddenly not having as much trouble communicating now as I had been this entire past year.

If my throat problems didnít seem to wrap up in this neat little package, I donít know if the chakra system would have nearly as much appeal for me. There is something else, though. During the class, we practiced reiking each other, and as each chakra was touched, I suddenly got a flash of the color associated with that chakra.

I know that really means nothing, but it made things feel more tangible to me.

I wish that more studies have been done regarding energy. My reiki teacher recommended some books to me, which I havenít picked up, yet. She has a PhD (unrelated to the topic at hand), so I have faith that they will be at least somewhat academic in nature.

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Saturday, Dec. 12, 2009 at 8:59 PM