Iím feeling kind of freaked out and tired. I had a rough day in yoga training yesterday and fought with Adam this morning. But, before any of that, Iíd been feeling pretty blah. I think that maybe my blahs are what lead up to things being sour this weekend.

Iíd been trying very hard to get the blahs out. Iíve been keeping my exercise frequent and consistent, but not so strenuous that itís unpleasant. Iíve been making sure that I get enough nutrients in my food, taking my vitamins, drinking my water, and also drinking electrolytes (Iíve had a problem with that in the past because I tend to sweat my butt off and drink tons of water and I am really not fond of the taste of Gatorade).

Iíve also been taking mental precautions by curtailing negative thinking and dwelling has practically been banned from my brain.

Iíd say some of this has been helpful, but itís almost as if I can feel crossed wires in my brain, things not firing right or jumbled processes.

This isnít a new thing for me. Sometimes it seems like itís new but itís not really new. Maybe I just wasnít meant to be in this world.

Yesterday, at yoga, I taught one of the worst yoga classes probably ever taught. Well, thatís an exaggeration, but it was up there. It was short, so it wasnít a sustained torture. The first half of the class went fine, everything was going well, and then I got to a point where I simply forgot what was next. My mind went blank.

As an adult, this happens to me a lot. As a kid, this never happened to me. I remember hearing people say that in certain situations, theyíve experienced blank minds, but I could never imagine what that was. What is a blank mind? Isnít that impossible to achieve?

Well, Iíve since discovered itÖ many, many times.

So, it was just a few second space, really, but a few seconds can be a lot in a yoga class. I started remembering slowly, as time went on, but I still struggled. It was that one instance of forgetting that caused everything to go off track. Those few seconds of blankness caused some an overwhelming sense of panic, and I couldnít just carry on.

Iíve realized since then what a great sense of responsibility that teaching gives me. One of things I never liked about teaching in karate is that I always felt like I was not teaching well enough and letting down the pupil (Iíve only ever taught individuals or a couple of people at a time).

In the case of yesterday, my panic was rooted in feeling like, ďIím letting these people down.Ē Theyíre waiting for instruction and Iím not giving it. Theyíre stuck in these awkward, expectant positions, nothing is happening and itĎs my fault.

Sure, I felt that way in karate, too, but I never left anyone in an awkward position due to my own incompetence. I always felt like I wasnít encouraging enough or didnít know the right thing to say to properly communicate that itís OK to screw up and to feel awkward because everyone screws up and feels awkward when they first start in karate. Even if I say that, I still feel like people have a hard time really absorbing that for themselves and because of that, I feel as though I was ineffective.

And, of course, after I screwed up and felt awkward starting out in yoga teaching training, my mind immediately leapt to learning to do better. I came home and spent a couple of hours studying poses and writing stuff out, hoping that meant I wouldnít ever forget what comes next again.

Yesterday, I had greedily sought the advice of the more experienced teachers, noting anything that they said that might possibly help me in the future. It wasnít until today did I recall that they said other things, too. Like, ďWeíve all been where you are now,Ē and ďDonít beat yourself up about this because it will get better.Ē

This evening, we went out to dinner to an Italian place and I ate a lot of heavy food. During the past few weeks, Iíve been more grazing than eating. Rather than eating a few large meals in a day, Iíve been eating 6 or so small meals. This hasnít been by design. My breakfast has been about the same, but not the rest. Iíve been too busy to eat much more than a salad at lunch and then maybe have some nuts or cheese and crackers later and then maybe a smoothie before dance class, and then snack again afterwards, etc.

I used to put away food pretty good, and it wasnít even that long ago. Iím not sure why my physiology has changed to this extent, but I think itís probably related to stress.

Anyway, after dinner, I was feeling lethargic, overfull and generally rotten from the bad couple of days. I thought a hot bath would help and I laid in there until the water turned tepid. Maybe baths arenít the miracle cure-all I had originally believed.

I keep thinking that the change that I was expecting several months back should be here by now, but it hasnít shown up. So much for that. I must be off my game or maybe my invisible insides have been traded with someone elseís. I wonder if thatís possible. Can the spirit, the karma, the thing inside of us move between bodies? Our bodies will always maintain the old memories, brain patterns and chemicals, so how would we even know if one soul left and another came in?

I wonder how most people would regard that. I find the idea pretty comforting. It makes me feel as though we truly are all the same.

One thing that has been bothering me is someone who had been a very close friend high school contacted me on facebook. After about a week of catching up, she was given the devastating news that her mother has cancer. The prognosis is about as bad as they get. Since I havenít had contact with her since high school, I donít know what her relationship with her mother has been, but I knew that they were close when we were in high school. The woman wasnít perfect, of course, who is? She did the best for her kids.

For some reason, that has just been nagging on me, and weighing me down. Similarly to a few months ago, when the brother of a friend of mine passed away, and I moped around for a week as if itíd been my own brother (and got no sympathy for it, either, let me tell you).

I know people die all the time, but that kind of thing makes me ache. I think I experience more grief hearing about the death of relatives of people I know than I would if my own parents died.

Itís for strange and unknown reasons, to me, anyway, as Iím not particularly close with anyone. I have more familiarity with my cat before anyone else and I think Iím generally seen as being standoffish and guarded (mainly because I am).

Itís not so much that I want to be, itís more that Iím fearful and tired and I feel like if my soul had been a potato, itís been whipped so finely, it has the texture of potato pudding now.

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Sunday, Feb. 28, 2010 at 9:21 PM