I wrote this on Monday, but I didn't get a chance to post it until now. So, here it is:

I�m planning on having a slightly less stressful work-day. It�s been a rough few weeks.

Most stuff is delivered and the clients are either happy or not working today.

I haven�t been very good with keeping up with my yoga teacher training. I�ve been feeling drained and unmotivated most of the time. Maybe it has to do with work, maybe other things. Most of Friday night and Saturday morning, I spent wandering around the house listlessly, occasionally shrugging and saying, �I don�t know what�s wrong with me,� to either one of the cats or Adam.

I keep thinking that if I push myself hard enough I�ll get over whatever hump that I feel like I�m trudging over and things will get better. I push and push and then, I just get tired and I have to stop again.

My most recent pattern has been to wake up at 4AM feeling like I�m on the verge of a panic attack. I figured out that if I reiki myself at the base of my neck, it calms me down and I can go back to sleep. I�ve been trying to integrate more meditation and reiki into my regular schedule. Luckily, Edi got a reiki attunement recently, and she�s eager to practice, so we can treat each other. I�ve needed some serious energy work for awhile, and I just don�t have the time to see the acupuncturist as much as I�d like.

Last Thursday, on my way to ballet, something that usually hides in my subconscious in a weird predatory way, jumped into reality for a split second. I saw someone on the street that reminded me of what I had perceived to be a crossroads in the past. There was a jolt, a strange impulse to react, but then, the door to the dance studio appeared and I went in, just the same as always.

Thursday, I was already feeling shaky from a long, stressful week. Ballet ended up kicking my butt more than expected.

Thursday night, the sadness that I�m usually repressing came to the forefront.

Then I dreamt about being in something like a lab, and a man with a chart explaining to me that most of my life, I had been living out my karma correctly, but now, we needed to re-evaluate my current trek and my actual intended path because I�ve possibly gone off track.

Ironically, I did not go astray where I expected I had. Also, my life events were represented by symbols that I didn�t understand, but maybe that�s beside the point.

I think by Saturday, I had decided that I need to start meditating seriously again. I�m obviously not going to get anywhere as long as my subconscious is the one kicking me around. With the kind of stuff that�s lurking around in my head, it just can�t be that way.

When I was in ballet, although I was enjoying myself, a few things crossed my mind. First, I suck a ballet. Secondly, I know there�s only one way to stop sucking at something, and that�s to do it over and over again until I get better. And thirdly, I don�t have the same motivation and drive that I used to have. Of course, that got me wondering what happened to my old motivation and drive. Then I realized, even though, I started karate as an adult, and there was no way on Earth my dad would ever know or care what I was doing, there was still an imagined place in which I thought I could do something impressive enough to win some kind of admiration from him.

I don�t think I was seeking love, that�s something that was long forgotten and just plain foreign to me.

I was naturally interested in a lot of things as a kid, and I had a lot of natural drive and ambition, but at home, I was belittled or ignored. I don�t want to go into all the ugly details of it because they�re the same kind of ugly details you hear from so many people about crappy childhoods. The kind of details where, those who had less crappy childhoods say things like, �Oh my God! That�s SO messed up!�

Anyway, in my kid mind, I had determined that the reason I was not getting what I needed was because I was simply not good enough. I mistakenly believed that there was a point where I could become impressive enough to warrant some kind of recognition of value.

Of course, that never came, but that belief followed me for a long time.

I won�t say that, nowadays, it�s totally innocuous, but it doesn�t have the power that it used to have. I�ve since realized that even if I had become a 1 in a billion child prodigy that still would not have warranted any positive recognition from him.

While most people can recognize that most of their hurts are not their fault, on an intellectual level, it�s much harder to bring those kinds of realizations into your heart.

I�ve worked a lot on trying to bring that stuff into my heart.

On Saturday, I think I woke up actually wanting to go to meditation, which I haven�t wanted to do in awhile. The meditation that I wanted to attend doesn�t happen until Sunday night, so I didn�t know if I would actually go.

I was still feeling pretty crappy most of Saturday. Maybe I had a cold or something, but it ended up passing with very little to note.

Sunday, I woke up feeling more relaxed than usual. I ended up watching the Royal Tenenbaums, first thing. I�d never seen it before. The scene where it is revealed that Margot had been spending 6 hours a day soaking in the tub and watching TV reminded me that it�s been awhile since I�d had a bath.

I�d quit the baths about 6 weeks ago after accidentally giving myself heat stroke by soaking in insanely hot water too long. I don�t remember if I mentioned it here or not, but since that�s an embarrassing way to suffer from heat stroke, I haven�t exactly been shouting it from the rooftops.

After the movie was over, the first thing I did was fill up the tub. I was careful to not make the water too hot. I dumped in some bath salts. I ended up not staying too long. I had housework, working out and meditation on my list. I only remember that I did those things yesterday because I�m sore today.

I did end up going to meditation last night. I was pretty uncomfortable. I forgot about the guy who chain-lights incense for the whole meditation. If you sit in the wrong spot in the room, the smoke gets to be overwhelming. Since I hadn�t been there in awhile, I forgot why I avoided sitting there.

I like him, and if he gets a thrill out of lighting incense, I don�t want to stand in his way. It�s easy enough to just sit on the other side of the room, but I have to wonder how many people have been turned off by the smell?

So, the meditation didn�t go as well as I hoped it would, but there are other days. I�m skipping dance tonight and I�m not planning on working out, otherwise. I�ll probably do laundry and read or do something equally as relaxing.

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Thursday, Apr. 22, 2010 at 8:06 PM