I wrote this on Monday, but I didn't get a chance to post it until now. So, here it is:

Iím planning on having a slightly less stressful work-day. Itís been a rough few weeks.

Most stuff is delivered and the clients are either happy or not working today.

I havenít been very good with keeping up with my yoga teacher training. Iíve been feeling drained and unmotivated most of the time. Maybe it has to do with work, maybe other things. Most of Friday night and Saturday morning, I spent wandering around the house listlessly, occasionally shrugging and saying, ďI donít know whatís wrong with me,Ē to either one of the cats or Adam.

I keep thinking that if I push myself hard enough Iíll get over whatever hump that I feel like Iím trudging over and things will get better. I push and push and then, I just get tired and I have to stop again.

My most recent pattern has been to wake up at 4AM feeling like Iím on the verge of a panic attack. I figured out that if I reiki myself at the base of my neck, it calms me down and I can go back to sleep. Iíve been trying to integrate more meditation and reiki into my regular schedule. Luckily, Edi got a reiki attunement recently, and sheís eager to practice, so we can treat each other. Iíve needed some serious energy work for awhile, and I just donít have the time to see the acupuncturist as much as Iíd like.

Last Thursday, on my way to ballet, something that usually hides in my subconscious in a weird predatory way, jumped into reality for a split second. I saw someone on the street that reminded me of what I had perceived to be a crossroads in the past. There was a jolt, a strange impulse to react, but then, the door to the dance studio appeared and I went in, just the same as always.

Thursday, I was already feeling shaky from a long, stressful week. Ballet ended up kicking my butt more than expected.

Thursday night, the sadness that Iím usually repressing came to the forefront.

Then I dreamt about being in something like a lab, and a man with a chart explaining to me that most of my life, I had been living out my karma correctly, but now, we needed to re-evaluate my current trek and my actual intended path because Iíve possibly gone off track.

Ironically, I did not go astray where I expected I had. Also, my life events were represented by symbols that I didnít understand, but maybe thatís beside the point.

I think by Saturday, I had decided that I need to start meditating seriously again. Iím obviously not going to get anywhere as long as my subconscious is the one kicking me around. With the kind of stuff thatís lurking around in my head, it just canít be that way.

When I was in ballet, although I was enjoying myself, a few things crossed my mind. First, I suck a ballet. Secondly, I know thereís only one way to stop sucking at something, and thatís to do it over and over again until I get better. And thirdly, I donít have the same motivation and drive that I used to have. Of course, that got me wondering what happened to my old motivation and drive. Then I realized, even though, I started karate as an adult, and there was no way on Earth my dad would ever know or care what I was doing, there was still an imagined place in which I thought I could do something impressive enough to win some kind of admiration from him.

I donít think I was seeking love, thatís something that was long forgotten and just plain foreign to me.

I was naturally interested in a lot of things as a kid, and I had a lot of natural drive and ambition, but at home, I was belittled or ignored. I donít want to go into all the ugly details of it because theyíre the same kind of ugly details you hear from so many people about crappy childhoods. The kind of details where, those who had less crappy childhoods say things like, ďOh my God! Thatís SO messed up!Ē

Anyway, in my kid mind, I had determined that the reason I was not getting what I needed was because I was simply not good enough. I mistakenly believed that there was a point where I could become impressive enough to warrant some kind of recognition of value.

Of course, that never came, but that belief followed me for a long time.

I wonít say that, nowadays, itís totally innocuous, but it doesnít have the power that it used to have. Iíve since realized that even if I had become a 1 in a billion child prodigy that still would not have warranted any positive recognition from him.

While most people can recognize that most of their hurts are not their fault, on an intellectual level, itís much harder to bring those kinds of realizations into your heart.

Iíve worked a lot on trying to bring that stuff into my heart.

On Saturday, I think I woke up actually wanting to go to meditation, which I havenít wanted to do in awhile. The meditation that I wanted to attend doesnít happen until Sunday night, so I didnít know if I would actually go.

I was still feeling pretty crappy most of Saturday. Maybe I had a cold or something, but it ended up passing with very little to note.

Sunday, I woke up feeling more relaxed than usual. I ended up watching the Royal Tenenbaums, first thing. Iíd never seen it before. The scene where it is revealed that Margot had been spending 6 hours a day soaking in the tub and watching TV reminded me that itís been awhile since Iíd had a bath.

Iíd quit the baths about 6 weeks ago after accidentally giving myself heat stroke by soaking in insanely hot water too long. I donít remember if I mentioned it here or not, but since thatís an embarrassing way to suffer from heat stroke, I havenít exactly been shouting it from the rooftops.

After the movie was over, the first thing I did was fill up the tub. I was careful to not make the water too hot. I dumped in some bath salts. I ended up not staying too long. I had housework, working out and meditation on my list. I only remember that I did those things yesterday because Iím sore today.

I did end up going to meditation last night. I was pretty uncomfortable. I forgot about the guy who chain-lights incense for the whole meditation. If you sit in the wrong spot in the room, the smoke gets to be overwhelming. Since I hadnít been there in awhile, I forgot why I avoided sitting there.

I like him, and if he gets a thrill out of lighting incense, I donít want to stand in his way. Itís easy enough to just sit on the other side of the room, but I have to wonder how many people have been turned off by the smell?

So, the meditation didnít go as well as I hoped it would, but there are other days. Iím skipping dance tonight and Iím not planning on working out, otherwise. Iíll probably do laundry and read or do something equally as relaxing.

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Thursday, Apr. 22, 2010 at 8:06 PM