I feel like Iíve been running a marathon and thereís no stopping, yet.

This Saturday, I have a retreat in the Bon tradition, and Iím hoping Iíll get some re-energizing there. During the day, Iíve been working (obviously), nights and weekends, Iíve been either catching up on housework, exercising or trying to keep up with my social engagements. With Adam having been in school, I was taking up most of the slack regarding the house. Iíve been exhausted.

Heís out of school now. Itís been about a week. Iím still waiting on that rest that he promised that Iíd get once heís out of school.

I might argue about it, but frankly, Iím just too tired to formulate an argument that sounds semi-coherent.

The energy that I have should go into making sure I donít mess up at work.

This morning, I was thinking about how much Iíd rather have an easier job. Iíd rather have something with less responsibility. Iím not sure what, though. Iím wondering to myself whether or not Iíd be ok with a smaller salary.

Most of the time, I fantasize about winning the lottery. Itís become an obsession with me. Itís such an obsession that Iíve started making concrete plans about what Iíd do with the money. Of course, a lot is dependent on how much money I actually got. That varies, you know, and the amount that they post as the jackpot isnít anywhere near what you get. Itís quite deceptive. Itís sad and pathetic, but thatís what gets me through my days.

As far as dealing with the stress and depression, I feel like Iím being swept down a river, and struggling against it only results in exhaustion.

Well, Iíve been practicing the things that I think will eventually make me feel better. Iíve just been trying to have faith that these things will work, if I keep at them, but again, thatís more work, more effort.

This entry is starting to depress me.

So, at the peak of me getting fat, Iíd gained about 15 pounds total. Maybe that doesnít sound like a whole lot, but on my Lilliputian frame, it makes a huge difference. Thatís what an ex-boyfriend used to say to tease me, and Iíd respond by saying that I was quite obviously, ďnormal sized,Ē which I am, but ďnormalĒ spans quite a range in humans.

In the past few months, Iíve lost about 5 pounds, and gained a bunch of muscle. Of course, before the +15 pounds, Iíd been quite muscular and low-fat, so thereís still quite a difference.

Oddly, I couldnít really remember the difference. I recognized it initially, but lately, I donít feel as though Iím so horribly fat. Then, a week or so ago, I was cleaning off my desk and found some photos of me from a couple of years ago. Thatís when it occurred to me why so few of my clothes fit (and damn, I used to be so much better looking).

Iím grateful for one thing, at least Adam has stopped beating the ďyouíre not fat,Ē drum every time I bring up the issue. It makes my life so much harder when on top of everything, I have to hear about how all my problems are stemming from my lack of perspective and nothing else.

Anyway, my current exercise routine has been to do around 40 minutes of high intensity cardio, yoga, then weights. The time spent on yoga varies. Since the weather has gotten warmer, rather than doing the high intensity cardio indoors, Iíve been doing about 1.5-2 hours of moderate intensity cardio outdoors. Thatís fast hiking, while jogging on the flat spots to keep my heart rate up. Then home to do the weights.

Thatís just what itís been the past month or so. Before that, I had been doing more dancing, but it didnít feel intense enough for my current goals, and I wanted to be outside more. Iíll probably do a little Frisbee, at some point, but Iím not really a sports person.

With the 40 minutes of cardio, yoga, and weights routine, that takes me about 2-2.5 hours, which I think is somewhat comparable to what I used to do in karate. Itís slightly less intense because I donít push myself until I feel like I might pass out or die.

Iím only writing this because it makes me feel less like a loser to just say it. THIS is what Iíve been doing. Iíve been getting results. They arenít fantastic results, but they are results. It seems like if I stop, even for a short time, I start back-sliding really quick. Maybe thatís an age thing.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me feel a little less like Iím being swept down that river of stress and depression. Itís something I can do.

Even though, lately, Iíve often felt like crying, prior to this, I was too stopped up inside to even imagine crying. I had a big blockage of hurt in my chest. Nothing flowed and I wallowed in misery.

Of course, Iím still fumbling, but itís either fumble and try or sit and allow myself to be buried deeper in the sadness.

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Wednesday, May. 12, 2010 at 11:19 AM