I feel like I�ve been running a marathon and there�s no stopping, yet.

This Saturday, I have a retreat in the Bon tradition, and I�m hoping I�ll get some re-energizing there. During the day, I�ve been working (obviously), nights and weekends, I�ve been either catching up on housework, exercising or trying to keep up with my social engagements. With Adam having been in school, I was taking up most of the slack regarding the house. I�ve been exhausted.

He�s out of school now. It�s been about a week. I�m still waiting on that rest that he promised that I�d get once he�s out of school.

I might argue about it, but frankly, I�m just too tired to formulate an argument that sounds semi-coherent.

The energy that I have should go into making sure I don�t mess up at work.

This morning, I was thinking about how much I�d rather have an easier job. I�d rather have something with less responsibility. I�m not sure what, though. I�m wondering to myself whether or not I�d be ok with a smaller salary.

Most of the time, I fantasize about winning the lottery. It�s become an obsession with me. It�s such an obsession that I�ve started making concrete plans about what I�d do with the money. Of course, a lot is dependent on how much money I actually got. That varies, you know, and the amount that they post as the jackpot isn�t anywhere near what you get. It�s quite deceptive. It�s sad and pathetic, but that�s what gets me through my days.

As far as dealing with the stress and depression, I feel like I�m being swept down a river, and struggling against it only results in exhaustion.

Well, I�ve been practicing the things that I think will eventually make me feel better. I�ve just been trying to have faith that these things will work, if I keep at them, but again, that�s more work, more effort.

This entry is starting to depress me.

So, at the peak of me getting fat, I�d gained about 15 pounds total. Maybe that doesn�t sound like a whole lot, but on my Lilliputian frame, it makes a huge difference. That�s what an ex-boyfriend used to say to tease me, and I�d respond by saying that I was quite obviously, �normal sized,� which I am, but �normal� spans quite a range in humans.

In the past few months, I�ve lost about 5 pounds, and gained a bunch of muscle. Of course, before the +15 pounds, I�d been quite muscular and low-fat, so there�s still quite a difference.

Oddly, I couldn�t really remember the difference. I recognized it initially, but lately, I don�t feel as though I�m so horribly fat. Then, a week or so ago, I was cleaning off my desk and found some photos of me from a couple of years ago. That�s when it occurred to me why so few of my clothes fit (and damn, I used to be so much better looking).

I�m grateful for one thing, at least Adam has stopped beating the �you�re not fat,� drum every time I bring up the issue. It makes my life so much harder when on top of everything, I have to hear about how all my problems are stemming from my lack of perspective and nothing else.

Anyway, my current exercise routine has been to do around 40 minutes of high intensity cardio, yoga, then weights. The time spent on yoga varies. Since the weather has gotten warmer, rather than doing the high intensity cardio indoors, I�ve been doing about 1.5-2 hours of moderate intensity cardio outdoors. That�s fast hiking, while jogging on the flat spots to keep my heart rate up. Then home to do the weights.

That�s just what it�s been the past month or so. Before that, I had been doing more dancing, but it didn�t feel intense enough for my current goals, and I wanted to be outside more. I�ll probably do a little Frisbee, at some point, but I�m not really a sports person.

With the 40 minutes of cardio, yoga, and weights routine, that takes me about 2-2.5 hours, which I think is somewhat comparable to what I used to do in karate. It�s slightly less intense because I don�t push myself until I feel like I might pass out or die.

I�m only writing this because it makes me feel less like a loser to just say it. THIS is what I�ve been doing. I�ve been getting results. They aren�t fantastic results, but they are results. It seems like if I stop, even for a short time, I start back-sliding really quick. Maybe that�s an age thing.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me feel a little less like I�m being swept down that river of stress and depression. It�s something I can do.

Even though, lately, I�ve often felt like crying, prior to this, I was too stopped up inside to even imagine crying. I had a big blockage of hurt in my chest. Nothing flowed and I wallowed in misery.

Of course, I�m still fumbling, but it�s either fumble and try or sit and allow myself to be buried deeper in the sadness.

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