I was supposed to go backpacking this weekend. I took today off, especially for this. Gear had been purchased, food had been made, but I just couldn�t follow through the rest of it. I was exhausted.

Last night and this morning, I thought it was just a physical thing. Then Adam left without me, to meet the others on the trip. I thought about following later, after I got some rest, but even after sleeping awhile, I realized that I�m not just physically tired. I�m psychologically exhausted.

I�m worn out from trying to cope with the stress of everything.

I think it�s my tendency to take on the energy of the people around me. I don�t just sense how they are feeling, but after awhile, I start feeling the same way, myself. Adam is a ball of repressed anxiety, even though, he�ll deny it. I thought that I was crazy, but the shrink mentioned it, as well.

Since I�ve had solitude today, and the promise of more solitude the rest of this weekend, I�m sure that I�m getting the anxiety from him. I�m not sure how well that will go over in therapy because whenever I talk about reiki, energy or even the power of meditation, the shrink is most definitely in skeptic city. He hasn�t said so. He listens respectfully, like a good shrink should, but the presence of his skepticism is so strong, I even start doubting what I�m saying.

However, I�ve mentioned my anxiety many times, probably every session, but I�ve been unable to be very specific about why I�m feeling anxious. Now I think I know, but it falls into that realm he doesn�t like.

Being alone today, I also noticed that I started feeling lonely. That�s new to me. I haven�t felt lonely in a really, really long time. I�m usually quite happy to get some peace from other people, when I can get it.

It doesn�t seem like I used to be so sensitive. It seems like I used to be able to keep a shield up, especially out in public. I could put up an invisible bubble and everything would go quiet. I think that�s what normal people must do. What�s wrong with me?

Before this weekend, I had the feeling that I wouldn�t be going on this trip, but that could be because I knew I was getting tired. My way of attempting to cope with the anxiety, lately, has been to keep myself busy.

Like I mentioned before, I�ve been exercising a lot, and then there�s housework, and meditation. Squeeze that stuff around a full-time job, and you have a pretty busy girl. At least being physically tired matches the tired psyche.

Before leaving, Adam started telling me about how I should get some rest this weekend.

I started talking about reorganizing my clothes in the bedroom. I really need to clean out my closets. I also need to buy a wardrobe. We hardly have any closet space.

Then, I started thinking about repainting the basement. I could at least get the spackling and taping done, right? I could take down the ugly, gold, 80�s style sconces, too.

Adam interrupted me and insisted that rest be the first priority. Rest and leisure. No cleaning, no organizing, no home repair.

I�ll see how I feel tomorrow. With the current silence, my psyche is already starting to feel a lot better.

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