I was supposed to go backpacking this weekend. I took today off, especially for this. Gear had been purchased, food had been made, but I just couldnít follow through the rest of it. I was exhausted.

Last night and this morning, I thought it was just a physical thing. Then Adam left without me, to meet the others on the trip. I thought about following later, after I got some rest, but even after sleeping awhile, I realized that Iím not just physically tired. Iím psychologically exhausted.

Iím worn out from trying to cope with the stress of everything.

I think itís my tendency to take on the energy of the people around me. I donít just sense how they are feeling, but after awhile, I start feeling the same way, myself. Adam is a ball of repressed anxiety, even though, heíll deny it. I thought that I was crazy, but the shrink mentioned it, as well.

Since Iíve had solitude today, and the promise of more solitude the rest of this weekend, Iím sure that Iím getting the anxiety from him. Iím not sure how well that will go over in therapy because whenever I talk about reiki, energy or even the power of meditation, the shrink is most definitely in skeptic city. He hasnít said so. He listens respectfully, like a good shrink should, but the presence of his skepticism is so strong, I even start doubting what Iím saying.

However, Iíve mentioned my anxiety many times, probably every session, but Iíve been unable to be very specific about why Iím feeling anxious. Now I think I know, but it falls into that realm he doesnít like.

Being alone today, I also noticed that I started feeling lonely. Thatís new to me. I havenít felt lonely in a really, really long time. Iím usually quite happy to get some peace from other people, when I can get it.

It doesnít seem like I used to be so sensitive. It seems like I used to be able to keep a shield up, especially out in public. I could put up an invisible bubble and everything would go quiet. I think thatís what normal people must do. Whatís wrong with me?

Before this weekend, I had the feeling that I wouldnít be going on this trip, but that could be because I knew I was getting tired. My way of attempting to cope with the anxiety, lately, has been to keep myself busy.

Like I mentioned before, Iíve been exercising a lot, and then thereís housework, and meditation. Squeeze that stuff around a full-time job, and you have a pretty busy girl. At least being physically tired matches the tired psyche.

Before leaving, Adam started telling me about how I should get some rest this weekend.

I started talking about reorganizing my clothes in the bedroom. I really need to clean out my closets. I also need to buy a wardrobe. We hardly have any closet space.

Then, I started thinking about repainting the basement. I could at least get the spackling and taping done, right? I could take down the ugly, gold, 80ís style sconces, too.

Adam interrupted me and insisted that rest be the first priority. Rest and leisure. No cleaning, no organizing, no home repair.

Iíll see how I feel tomorrow. With the current silence, my psyche is already starting to feel a lot better.

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Friday, May. 28, 2010 at 7:02 PM