Is there anything better than a hot bath while watching a romantic comedy on netflix?

I used to hate romantic comedies when I was younger, but I was much more cynical then. Plus, I was terrified of anything pleasant. Actually, pleasant things made me angry. I felt like I was being teased and reminded of all the pleasant things and feelings that I'd never have.

Now, lightly entertaining, predictable, and comforting is what I want out of a movie. Plus, there's nothing more important to me in a movie than knowing that I won't see anything gory, scary or violent (or even be told about it).

The past couple of weeks, I've been both busy and depressed. I'm sure the change in the weather has something to do with it. Work has been extra rough this month, too.

I was maintaining a pretty precarious balance between work and other activities, anyway, so it didn't take much to make everything topple.

Let me tell you one thing, though, I'll take depression over anxiety, any day. Depression, I know what to do with. Anxiety, that stuff will kill you.

Tonight, I received Myofascial Release and Craniosacral therapy from my massage therapist. I fell asleep during the session. When it was over, I did feel a physiological difference, but my perspective seemed to have shifted, too. I can't quite describe it, but I do feel better.

This Friday, I have a reiki share, and all weekend, I'll be at salsafest.

I finished the package of private dance lessons that I bought a couple of months ago, and I think the timing was perfect. I got the right amount of material that my brain could absorb within that short period of time (six lessons, about once a week), without needing to continually stop and review and waste time and money.

Right now, regular classes to practice what I know, and let the material settle, will work just fine. I plan on taking a private lesson once a month to keep my technique polished.

I'm having a blast learning this stuff. There's no practical application. It's just one giant guilty pleasure.

Maybe one day, I'll be OK enough with myself to not even question it.

For some reason, this morning, Adam and I had a short conversation about grandparents. He said something about his grandfather, the one I met over the summer. I drove to work thinking about him.

A lot of people are sweet or kind, but that man is someone who has kindness imprinted on his bones. During lunch, he had trouble keeping up with the conversation, especially because his hearing isn't wonderful, and we were in a restaurant with some ambient noise. He spent most of the time watching our faces and beaming with delight.

At one point, he motioned to me, and I leaned toward him, and he apologized to me for not engaging me in more conversation. He pointed too his head, smiled and said, "I'm not what I used to be... and I'm self-conscious." He shrugged and smiled some more.

The guy is self-aware enough to realize that his behavior might have an affect on my feelings. When someone has a problem with lucidity, the stuff that floats to the top is very telling, isn't it?

I think I mentioned before how Adam's dad talked about how his father never spoke a harsh word to him, never discouraged him, and was always sweet to him. That seems astounding to me, considering it was the 50s, an era whose scientists dictated that loving a kid was over-indulgence and sure to screw him up forever.

Plus, it just plain seemed astounding to me. Doesn't everyone reach the end of their rope at some time or another? Doesn't everyone have at least one freak-out session in their lives?

Well, anyway, the therapy helped a lot today, and I'm lucky to be able to have therapy of any kind.

I don't know if that means that I'll be feeling much better going forward. I guess it's a start.

Work will have to improve before I can relax, for real. I'm feeling pulled in a couple of different directions, right now.

I could throw myself into it, work long hours, and sacrifice any well-being and personal life I have. The plan being that I would solve my work problems, and things will settle down semi-quickly and I'll be able to relax, again. This would also mean bending to the will of a demanding and nervous client.

The other option is what I generally choose to do. Keep things on a steady pace, avoid working long hours, and not let the current chaos affect my day-to-day way of doing things. This usually means that when a client gets demanding, I try to be the voice of reason. I don't like to teach clients to have unreasonable expectations (that I will work long hours or weekends).

Maybe that's a poor work ethic on my part, but I don't believe it's good business to burn yourself out on demanding clients.

Someone has been pushing me a lot, lately. Calling constantly, pushing harder and harder, and today, I finally pushed back. It was more the result of exasperation and frustration, rather than any kind of rational plan. She backed down immediately.

I don't do my work the way I do because I've rationally decided how I'm going to set up my relationships with my clients, I work this way because it's in my nature.

When I'm pushed in a direction that I think is unfair, I'll push right back. I don't think about it, I just do it.

That is why there was so much more tension between me and my parents than there was between my brother and my parents. This trait of mine is also on the list of problems in all of my romantic relationships (kinda high, too).

I find that the majority of people will just bend under unfairness. Most people will work longer hours to placate a demanding client. Most people will allow relatives and spouses to get away with stuff.

I think most people have the perspective to understand that sometimes that you do have to do things that are unfair. Most of the time, if you have healthy relationships, it's totally temporary. You bend for them, and in the future, they'll bend for you.

I don't have that kind of perspective because I didn't grow up with those kinds of relationships. Bending in an unfair situation wasn't temporary for me. The only way out of an unfair situation was to push until I got out.

It's also true that I was just born to be this way. I know people who grew up similarly and they never pushed back.

I am learning to bend more, and have a bit more perspective. I try to not get too angry when I think someone is trying to treat me unfairly. I don't think I'll ever be totally flexible in the face of unfairness, but hopefully I'll be less crazy, someday.

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Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2010 at 10:27 PM