Second entry, in like, half a day? I don't know.

I think I�ve figured out what�s been bothering me the past week or so. It�s that thing I wrote about a couple of entries ago, about my friend A, who dumped his girlfriend, E, and in my opinion, treated her really badly.

I�m still angry about it. I haven�t said much about it, lately, to anyone. The people with whom I can share this information with are sick of hearing about it, and I don�t blame them.

My problem isn�t the lack of expression to those people. The problem is my lack of expression to the one person who needs it.

I haven�t said anything to him mainly because I don�t think it�ll do any good. He can�t deal with confrontation. He agrees with everything I say, and then turns around and does the opposite, anyway. I�m sick of calling him on it, and that�s not a healthy friendship, for either of us.

His inability to deal with conflict is exactly the reason he�s in this mess. He�s so unequipped to deal with the disapproval of his parents that he completely fell apart.

I also don�t believe that it�s up to me to tell people how they should or shouldn�t live their lives, regardless of how stupid and selfish their choices turn out to be. They are still their choices, and not mine.

So, I�ve just been avoiding him, to keep him out of my line of fire. While I generally have a lot of self-control (I think, anyway), when I am angry, that�s when I�m least likely to be able to keep my mouth shut.

He didn�t stand up for her, he didn�t treat her right, and then he stabbed her in the back.

Last week, when I was hotly giving my opinions to Adam, he listened while I spewed my anger and he said, �Wow, this has really changed your relationship with him forever, hasn�t it?� I hadn�t really thought about it, but yes.

We were such good friends, at one point. We visited each other regularly, we bantered and talked, we went to concerts and dinners. We shared secrets. We respected each other. We�ve spoken almost daily for nearly ten years.

I�m also very sad about it, too, because I�m not sure how I can be friends with him, anymore.

This isn�t the first time that I�ve seen him treat a woman in an almost unforgivable way, and I eventually forgave him. He�s been treated so badly by women, too.

The past was different, though. The damage he did was much more innocuous because his relationships were so fleeting. I had concluded that in all likelihood, he would remain single forever, and the amount of harm he could do would be limited. He�s not charming or handsome, and he gives off a decidedly gay vibe (not something that usually has women flocking).

Maybe given time, I could forgive this one, too, but I don�t know about anytime soon, and I don�t know about whether or not I�d be able to forgive completely.

Looking at it objectively, it seems obvious that I should take the time to talk to him, and clear the air and at least let my grievances be known. I�ve done that before, but this time, I don�t have much desire for clear air. I don�t have much desire to go back to friendship, at least not the way it was.

And, if there�s one thing that I am not short on, it is friends. Good, normal, well-adjusted friends.

My old fall back arguments for giving him these allowances are wearing thin for me.

For example, he has a screwed up relationship with his mother, who is above and beyond, the most controlling and neurotic person I�ve ever met. Sometimes we get raised by crazy people. It�s not our fault, but we suffer the consequences. It happens.

Regardless of whether or not he is gay, he has a truly screwed up relationship with his sexuality. I don�t know enough about Catholic upbringings to know whether or not it�s possible to be raised in that religion and not end up with somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship with sex. I haven�t met anyone who still lets the Vatican tell them what they can and can�t do in their bedroom, and also has a healthy relationship with sex. Not yet, anyway.

In the past, I haven�t found it in my heart to fault him for that. I know what it means to have a spiritual practice, and how important it is to be able to have a faith one can follow. Some of us feed our spirits with meditation, crystals and chants, and others feed theirs with prayer, crosses and hymns.

Then, there is the gayness part itself, regardless of whether or not he lets his religion dictate his life. He�s still a social conservative and so are his parents. Denying one�s own sexuality would drive just about anyone off the deep end.

So, anyway, despite those arguments that have always conjured up compassion for his position, in me, it�s just not working, anymore.

I feel sad and hurt and angry, and not even so much because I think he�s a bad person, but maybe more because life is so unfair sometimes. Maybe I�m also really upset at myself, too. I�m someone who will usually look for the best in everyone, but I can�t manage it, right now, and it�s bothering me.

Just typing this out, I can feel the lump in my throat starting to break up. Wow. Thank God.

0 comments so far