Second entry, in like, half a day? I don't know.
I think Iíve figured out whatís been bothering me the past week or so. Itís that thing I wrote about a couple of entries ago, about my friend A, who dumped his girlfriend, E, and in my opinion, treated her really badly.
Iím still angry about it. I havenít said much about it, lately, to anyone. The people with whom I can share this information with are sick of hearing about it, and I donít blame them.
My problem isnít the lack of expression to those people. The problem is my lack of expression to the one person who needs it.
I havenít said anything to him mainly because I donít think itíll do any good. He canít deal with confrontation. He agrees with everything I say, and then turns around and does the opposite, anyway. Iím sick of calling him on it, and thatís not a healthy friendship, for either of us.
His inability to deal with conflict is exactly the reason heís in this mess. Heís so unequipped to deal with the disapproval of his parents that he completely fell apart.
I also donít believe that itís up to me to tell people how they should or shouldnít live their lives, regardless of how stupid and selfish their choices turn out to be. They are still their choices, and not mine.
So, Iíve just been avoiding him, to keep him out of my line of fire. While I generally have a lot of self-control (I think, anyway), when I am angry, thatís when Iím least likely to be able to keep my mouth shut.
He didnít stand up for her, he didnít treat her right, and then he stabbed her in the back.
Last week, when I was hotly giving my opinions to Adam, he listened while I spewed my anger and he said, ďWow, this has really changed your relationship with him forever, hasnít it?Ē I hadnít really thought about it, but yes.
We were such good friends, at one point. We visited each other regularly, we bantered and talked, we went to concerts and dinners. We shared secrets. We respected each other. Weíve spoken almost daily for nearly ten years.
Iím also very sad about it, too, because Iím not sure how I can be friends with him, anymore.
This isnít the first time that Iíve seen him treat a woman in an almost unforgivable way, and I eventually forgave him. Heís been treated so badly by women, too.
The past was different, though. The damage he did was much more innocuous because his relationships were so fleeting. I had concluded that in all likelihood, he would remain single forever, and the amount of harm he could do would be limited. Heís not charming or handsome, and he gives off a decidedly gay vibe (not something that usually has women flocking).
Maybe given time, I could forgive this one, too, but I donít know about anytime soon, and I donít know about whether or not Iíd be able to forgive completely.
Looking at it objectively, it seems obvious that I should take the time to talk to him, and clear the air and at least let my grievances be known. Iíve done that before, but this time, I donít have much desire for clear air. I donít have much desire to go back to friendship, at least not the way it was.
And, if thereís one thing that I am not short on, it is friends. Good, normal, well-adjusted friends.
My old fall back arguments for giving him these allowances are wearing thin for me.
For example, he has a screwed up relationship with his mother, who is above and beyond, the most controlling and neurotic person Iíve ever met. Sometimes we get raised by crazy people. Itís not our fault, but we suffer the consequences. It happens.
Regardless of whether or not he is gay, he has a truly screwed up relationship with his sexuality. I donít know enough about Catholic upbringings to know whether or not itís possible to be raised in that religion and not end up with somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship with sex. I havenít met anyone who still lets the Vatican tell them what they can and canít do in their bedroom, and also has a healthy relationship with sex. Not yet, anyway.
In the past, I havenít found it in my heart to fault him for that. I know what it means to have a spiritual practice, and how important it is to be able to have a faith one can follow. Some of us feed our spirits with meditation, crystals and chants, and others feed theirs with prayer, crosses and hymns.
Then, there is the gayness part itself, regardless of whether or not he lets his religion dictate his life. Heís still a social conservative and so are his parents. Denying oneís own sexuality would drive just about anyone off the deep end.
So, anyway, despite those arguments that have always conjured up compassion for his position, in me, itís just not working, anymore.
I feel sad and hurt and angry, and not even so much because I think heís a bad person, but maybe more because life is so unfair sometimes. Maybe Iím also really upset at myself, too. Iím someone who will usually look for the best in everyone, but I canít manage it, right now, and itís bothering me.
Just typing this out, I can feel the lump in my throat starting to break up. Wow. Thank God.
|Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2011 at 12:01 PM|