I had a terrible time focusing at work today. I was tired and sluggish. Also, all day long, Iíve had a big lump in my throat, like Iím nervous about something. I think this is my throat chakra trying to block up again. My old familiar weak spot showing itself again.

Yesterday, we went snowboarding. A few days beforehand, I had this really terrible feeling that I was going to put my foot in my mouth, at some point on Sunday, and be hugely regretful. So, all day long, I was watching myself, terrified of when it would happen. Either my watchfulness did the trick, or it happened and I didnít realize it. Or, I said something that Iíll regret in the future, but that time hasnít come, yet.

It could also have to do with O, who we ran into on the mountain. Heís kind of an enigma to me, in the sense that he has this incredibly sweet demeanor, but I almost always forget him, as soon as heís out of my sight. Iíve probably known the guy for about three years, but it took until yesterday before I even sent him a friend request on FB.

He and I just happened to end up on a lift together. On the ride up, we discussed our individual skill levels. It turned out that he was the far more experienced rider. So, I reassured him that I didnít expect him to take the same trail as me, but he said heíd be happy to take the trail of my choice. Once we were at the top of the mountain, I reassured him that he didnít have to stay with me. He could feel free to ride ahead and enjoy himself. Again, he said heíd ride at my level, and said that maybe heíd be able to help me out, a bit.

I was skeptical that there was anything more that anyone could say to me to improve my riding. I was figuring that, at this point, nothing more can help me, other than time and experience. He proved me wrong. He pointed out a couple of things I could change, and upon following his instruction, I saw immediate improvement.

He also turned out to be the best snowboarder Iíve seen among my friends. He didnít have that annoyingly aggressive watch-how-good-I-am style, throwing up snow and crashing down the mountain. He was so much more graceful; so symbiotic with the board and snow, that he seemed like part of the scenery.

After reaching the bottom of the mountain, I met up with the friends that were stopping for lunch, and O went off with the friends who didnít want to stop, yet. At lunch, I gushed about his help, and skill level.

After lunch, when the others stopped for their break, he joined us, as we were going back out (no lunch for him, I guess). We were a small group of five, and while his skill level was, by far, above the rest of us, he never showed impatience or pushed us to move faster. He just worked as the group helper. Offering advice, and encouragement when it was needed. Other times, taking pictures and making videos (snowboarding in front of us backwards, while taking video with his phone).

He also was extremely familiar with the mountain. He could name and describe all the trails, and tell us exactly how to get where we were going.

Itís so rare these days to meet people who are NOT totally self-involved. Heís pro-actively helpful, as Nicole put it, when I pointed out to her that I thought O was a very nice guy.

Itís clear that he thinks about others first, and then himself second, but not only that, he doesnĎt butt up against anything. Similar to how he rides his snowboard, it seems like thereís no friction between himself and the rest of the world. As a result, whenever possible, he looks to relieve the friction others are experiencing as they scrape up against life.

By the end of the day, I was thinking about how itís such a shame that heís single. I think that lack of friction with the rest of the world is reason that he never stuck in my mind before, and maybe no one elseís. Heís the kind of person who eventually impresses you the same way a heavy fog might eventually soak your clothes; quiet and unobtrusively. In this fast paced world, most guys donít get that much time to impress a woman. With the amount of competition out there, itís a now or never game.

I have to admit, that since being with Adam, this is the first time I ever thought to myself, upon meeting someone else, ď*SIGH* If only I was single.Ē

I think Nicole picked up on that, because when I mentioned to her (for the 10th time or so) that I thought he was such a nice guy, she gave her remark about his pro-active helpfulness, but she said it hesitantly. Then, she immediately dropped the subject. I could feel her brain waves floating across the front seats of the car, ďYou have a boyfriend, missy.Ē Oh me, and my easy to read mind.

Adam is just as sweet and well-intended, but he butts up against the world like sandpaper. Heís loud and aggressive. He makes his feelings and opinions known to anyone within earshot. He frets over things and he tries to guide his own fate. I donít fault him for that, as Iím the same way.

While not loud, I can be aggressive. Iíll ask for what I want. I have desires and I pursue them. I broadcast my thoughts and feelings like crazy. I canít help it, Iíve never had a poker face or a poker mind, but thatís because itís my natural tendency to push against the world. The world is never going to give me what I want if I donít let it be known.

But, I admire someone like O, who can merge with the world, the same way a drop of rain merges with the sea, making it a little bit clearer and cleaner, and a just plain nicer place to live.

So there, I mightíve put my foot in my mouth a little bit, but no real harm done.

The one exception being that I feel like thereís a lump in my throat, which Iím sure is related to me wanting to express myself somehow, and feeling stifled. This has been going on for about a week, I think. Yesterday just aggravated it.

I canít help but think about how this is just another example of me scraping up against the world. I am not dissatisfied with my current life or circumstances, but I never float through life easily and complication free.

Maybe that is the true lesson. Itís time for me to relax a little bit, to stop pushing so hard, to stop trying to mold life to fit me, rather than mold myself to fit life. In other words, give up a little bit of control? Yikes.

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Monday, Feb. 07, 2011 at 10:42 PM