Tuesday, I skipped dance for some meditation and introspection, yesterday, I skipped to go to yoga. I donít know what has changed, but Iím suddenly feeling called back to these things.

I donít think itís the added stress because often, extra stress just makes me extra crazy.

I guess, like with most things, thereís a time when something is right and a time when it isnít. You canít force something that isnít right to be right, any more than you can force a fish to breathe air.

Figuring out when something is right is the real trick, though, isnít it? Although, tonight, Iím attending a birthday party for a friend and Iíd rather stay home and meditate. That has to be a clear sign of something, right?

Earlier this week, I started reading a book written by a blogger that Iíve been reading since the beginning of her blog. Sheís published two, and the one that Iím reading is her first book. Since her second book is now out and on shelves, that goes to show that I didnít jump at her first book, nor did I jump at signed copies or anything like that, either.

While I can be an extremely loyal reader, I almost never make any effort to comment or contact the people whose work I read. Iím not trying to be lazy or snobbish, quite the opposite, actually. I figure that they get enough email and comments that they donít need me adding to the crowd. Chances are good that Iím not going to offer anything that isnít already being offered by someone else.

However, that doesnít excuse me from not buying the book until I could get it on the Kindle, but that goes back to my earlier guilt about wasting paper. That guilt only became guilt once I knew that the technology to sell electronic books existed, which it has been for a long time. After all, Iím just the sort of person who likes to respect living things, like trees, even if they donít audibly scream when you cut them down (although, I swear I can feel it). Anyway, if thereís a perfectly good alternative to killing, in order to move the written word around, Iím obviously going to feel bad if I go ahead and support the killing, anyway.

So, anyway, oh yeah, back to the book. The reason I started reading this womanís blog so many years ago (before it was even a popular blog) was because I had a thing for fat girl blogs. Iím all about anyone who feels left out of the crowd.

Of course, now that sheís a popular blogger, lost the weight, and wrote a book about it, sheís very much IN the crowd. But, I love to celebrate an under dogs successes, too.

I relate to the pre-success part of success stories much more than the after-success part, though. Duh.

Anyway, reading her book brought my fitness goals back into my line of sight. Well, maybe I should say that it re-ignited my fitness conversation with myself. When things went bad a few weeks ago, I was knocked off track. I get knocked off track fairly easily, which might be the reason that I decided that I needed to be better centered.

There was two weeks of nothing. This past week, I came back with a vengeance. Saturday, I dove into yoga. Sunday, I was very sore. Monday, I went to Zumba, and I already talked about that. This is how I deal with things, when I realize that the world is going to fight me, I show the world that itís not going to push me around. This is how control freaks are operate. While not the best long-term solution, it can get you through some tough times.

After I got back from yoga last night, I meditated and then went to bed. I was actually a bit annoyed that I would have to skip Zumba for my friendís party, tonight. I even started planning to go to Zumba first, then racing home to shower, and then gone to her house.

Of course, I recognized that that is the very definition of insanity and lack of moderation, and totally something I would have done in my 20ís, except, not only would I have done that, Iíd have also stayed until every other guest left and then helped her clean up. In my 20ís, I had the energy for that sort of thing, plus, not nearly as many job responsibilities. I could afford to screw up at work, or be barely present. Not so much, anymore.

The thing that I found notable about my fitness level this week was that it was humanly possible for me to skip two weeks and then jump right back into the swing of things, without hardly any backlash.

Sure, I was sore after Saturday, but it wasnít intolerable. Zumba barely phased me. Strength training was nothing more than a forgettable blip, which I only recall so I can remember when itís time to do it again.

Why is my energy level so much higher than it has been ever since the long string of illness and exhaustion that started late 2009 and lasted until about a month ago? How could I take two weeks off, and not end up melting into a sluggish and weepy puddle, like I have been for the past two years? How could I take time off from exercise and not have to struggle, coerce and force my body to get back to it? Am I finally reaping the results of my effort?

Screw results. If I can feel good, I donít care what I look like. I just hadnít realized that feeling good was even an option, anymore. I thought those days were behind me. Sure, I want to reap visible results, too, but I spend a lot more time feeling my body than I do looking at it.

This change in attitude is definitely a sign of aging, but itís a positive sign of aging. An advantage to getting older; hallelujah.

As for Adam, heís still sick, but slowly improving. The doctor said his blood work came back normal, and as long as heís improving, to just wait and see, for now.

Like I said before, Iím trying to see this as an opportunity, which is why I need all the yoga and meditation, but Iím not sure if thatís the real reason Iím suddenly feeling the urge to go that way.

I guess thatís just another situation in which Iíll have to wait and see.

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Thursday, Feb. 24, 2011 at 4:09 PM