Every day this week, Iíve been suffering from heartburn, all day. I donít usually suffer from heartburn, but when I do, itís the marathon type, like this.

I donít know if itís related, but Iíve also been feeling emotionally raw. Last night, I was thinking that if I actually cried out all my hurt, Iíd have to cry for the next several years straight. Thatís far too impractical.

My brother went to the Midwest to hang out with family, and then came back for a day before returning to Turkey. He reported to me all the crazy going-ons. We talked a little bit about some of the truly screwed up things our dad thinks and does.

On one hand, I feel very sad and sorry for him because despite all my outward bravado from childhood on, I never really got over the broken heart of not being loved by him.

On the other hand, I often feel pretty angry about it. I think my reasons are fairly obviousÖ or maybe not. I tend to skip a lot of the details when it comes to my parents. I still havenít gotten to the point where I feel like digging into that is necessarily. Itíd just feel like pulling out stitches from unhealed wounds.

Maybe this is far-fetched, but most of this stuff would be related to my heart chakra, and itís interesting that I started getting heartburn. It is pain that shares the same physical location as the heart chakra, and energetic issues can manifest themselves physically.

Maybe itís just stress, but stress can manifest itself in dozens of ways, so why this way, now?

By the way, my dad, who has pancreatic issues due to drug and alcohol abuse, has reported to my brother that he plans to stop his health insurance (he is self-employed, and pays for his own). His reasoning is that it's a waste of money and that heís lived long enough already. If something were to happen, heíd just not call an ambulance.

At first, I felt really disturbed. My first thought was, ďThat seems like a sign of depression.Ē But, then after mulling it over a little bit, I got really angry. I eventually concluded that itís just some sick passive-aggressive manipulation.

The logical flaw that glared at me was this: What is the point of saving money if youíre planning on being dead, anyway?

My brother argued with him, which is more than I would have done. If heíd told me that, I probably would have shrugged it off. I might have pointed out the flaw in his thinking. Whatís the point of having money if youíre not going to use it on things likeÖ oh, survival?

Itís not as though he doesnít have the money. Heís not struggling to pay bills.

My brother pointed out a different flaw in his thinking, which is, most people donít instantly go from pain-free to dead. Natural deaths only happen like that when itís a very old person, who stayed in good health throughout their old age, and then something major happens, which brings about a very quick demise. Otherwise, if your health is terrible (like his), then you have problems upon problems with various organs, starting at a younger age, that cause pain and hassle, but not death. The threat of death might not drive him to seek medical care, but surely enough pain would, right?

Obviously, thereís no intention to be rational. I think the intention is to be manipulative or to be a martyr. Of course, that wonít work because being a martyr means that one has to have actually done something to have benefitted someone else.

Manipulation alone is barely hanging by a thread, too, because people are not going to rend their clothing and gnash their teeth over a death unless they actually care about that person. He goes far out of his way to make it clear that emotional ties are ďbeneathĒ him.

Anyway, that was bothering me last week, but Iím starting to get over it. I was mostly upset because despite all the trouble I took to be free of his abandonments, he still managed to figure out how to stick it to me one more time.

The last way he can get me is through his will. Thereís really no escaping that.

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I ran out for lunch and errands. I only intended to grab some Prilosec and some vegan chai latte mix. I think the only reason the original is not vegan is because it contains honey. Adam is usually not bothered by honey production, but it seems to give him a thrill to get a product that says ďVEGANĒ in big letters across the front.

Hey, we all have our things.

I got him the chai latte mix because he loves chai and I said ďnoĒ to the espresso machine. If thereís such a thing as an unnecessary purchase, that would be it. I donít drink coffee, at all, and he only likes it occasionally.

Unfortunately, he was out of soymilk, so he couldnít make a chai latte for himself. I had milk, so I made some, just to give it a try, but I liked it so much, I ended up using over half of the carton before he got around to buying some almond milk. There was enough for him to make a couple of cups today, but last night, when it came out that I was drinking the stuff that I had bought for him, I apologized profusely and promised that I would bring home more chai latte mix after work.

He didnít really mind, of course, that was just me feeling guilty.

Anyway, I had to go to Target for the Prilosec, and while I was there, I stocked up on the toiletries that are running low. I also bought a bunch of t-shirts and tank tops. Despite all clothing options that are out there, I still love the plain solid colored t-shirt.

Iíd been avoiding buying clothes because I was confused about what to buy. Since Iíd gained weight, I had no idea how to dress my newly old and fat body, and I wasnít too interested in finding out. When forced to buy a few things, I went straight to frumpy. I was so accustomed to not having any visible fat that I couldnít bear to show any, at all, even if that meant wearing a tent.

Of course, now I realize that I can still dress exactly the same way. After months of working out and monitoring my calories, Iíve managed a 5 pound weight loss. Although, thatís not verified because I just discovered it earlier this week, and it could have been a fluke. Anyway, if I count it, that only really puts me 10 pounds above my previous weight, which is really not a lot.

My problem with clothes has been that itís all going into my bust and upper body. I feel like Iím carrying 90% of my fat in my upper arms alone.

Iíve always had to take care in finding tops because of my oxen-like German shoulders. The easiest way to accommodate my top-heavy self is a stretchy top. It canít be just a little stretchy, either. Without enough stretch, if I buy a top large enough to accommodate my bust and shoulders, then any material below my breasts blouses away from my body in ridiculous proportions.

Anyway, Target always seems to deliver on the stretchy solid-colored t-shirts. Theyíre also cheap and hearty, which means not having to worry about taking care of them so much.

Since Iím no longer freaking out about being ďfatĒ I can stop buying size Large and go back to buying size Small, again, because seriously, get a grip, lady.

Nearly all the anxiety I was feeling before about buying clothes has disappeared. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dress, and the number on the tag went back to being nearly meaningless to me (Iím talking size, not price. I got the dress for $20, WOO!). The only downside is that the damn thing has a back zipper thatís nearly impossible to reach. What is wrong with a side zipper? Is there some well-known side zipper problem that I donít know about? As far as Iím concerned, every dress should be designed with the zipper on the side, not the back.

I bought the tank tops for working out, as well as hot summer days (like, today, for example). When itís hot, I like to wear a tank top during my commute (or any post work activities), and bring a sweater or cardigan to put on while Iím in the office. That way, I donít have to choose between freezing in the office, while wearing a flimsy top, or roasting outside, while wearing something heavier.

Alright, I better get back to work.

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Thursday, Jul. 21, 2011 at 2:47 PM