Every day this week, I�ve been suffering from heartburn, all day. I don�t usually suffer from heartburn, but when I do, it�s the marathon type, like this.

I don�t know if it�s related, but I�ve also been feeling emotionally raw. Last night, I was thinking that if I actually cried out all my hurt, I�d have to cry for the next several years straight. That�s far too impractical.

My brother went to the Midwest to hang out with family, and then came back for a day before returning to Turkey. He reported to me all the crazy going-ons. We talked a little bit about some of the truly screwed up things our dad thinks and does.

On one hand, I feel very sad and sorry for him because despite all my outward bravado from childhood on, I never really got over the broken heart of not being loved by him.

On the other hand, I often feel pretty angry about it. I think my reasons are fairly obvious� or maybe not. I tend to skip a lot of the details when it comes to my parents. I still haven�t gotten to the point where I feel like digging into that is necessarily. It�d just feel like pulling out stitches from unhealed wounds.

Maybe this is far-fetched, but most of this stuff would be related to my heart chakra, and it�s interesting that I started getting heartburn. It is pain that shares the same physical location as the heart chakra, and energetic issues can manifest themselves physically.

Maybe it�s just stress, but stress can manifest itself in dozens of ways, so why this way, now?

By the way, my dad, who has pancreatic issues due to drug and alcohol abuse, has reported to my brother that he plans to stop his health insurance (he is self-employed, and pays for his own). His reasoning is that it's a waste of money and that he�s lived long enough already. If something were to happen, he�d just not call an ambulance.

At first, I felt really disturbed. My first thought was, �That seems like a sign of depression.� But, then after mulling it over a little bit, I got really angry. I eventually concluded that it�s just some sick passive-aggressive manipulation.

The logical flaw that glared at me was this: What is the point of saving money if you�re planning on being dead, anyway?

My brother argued with him, which is more than I would have done. If he�d told me that, I probably would have shrugged it off. I might have pointed out the flaw in his thinking. What�s the point of having money if you�re not going to use it on things like� oh, survival?

It�s not as though he doesn�t have the money. He�s not struggling to pay bills.

My brother pointed out a different flaw in his thinking, which is, most people don�t instantly go from pain-free to dead. Natural deaths only happen like that when it�s a very old person, who stayed in good health throughout their old age, and then something major happens, which brings about a very quick demise. Otherwise, if your health is terrible (like his), then you have problems upon problems with various organs, starting at a younger age, that cause pain and hassle, but not death. The threat of death might not drive him to seek medical care, but surely enough pain would, right?

Obviously, there�s no intention to be rational. I think the intention is to be manipulative or to be a martyr. Of course, that won�t work because being a martyr means that one has to have actually done something to have benefitted someone else.

Manipulation alone is barely hanging by a thread, too, because people are not going to rend their clothing and gnash their teeth over a death unless they actually care about that person. He goes far out of his way to make it clear that emotional ties are �beneath� him.

Anyway, that was bothering me last week, but I�m starting to get over it. I was mostly upset because despite all the trouble I took to be free of his abandonments, he still managed to figure out how to stick it to me one more time.

The last way he can get me is through his will. There�s really no escaping that.

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I ran out for lunch and errands. I only intended to grab some Prilosec and some vegan chai latte mix. I think the only reason the original is not vegan is because it contains honey. Adam is usually not bothered by honey production, but it seems to give him a thrill to get a product that says �VEGAN� in big letters across the front.

Hey, we all have our things.

I got him the chai latte mix because he loves chai and I said �no� to the espresso machine. If there�s such a thing as an unnecessary purchase, that would be it. I don�t drink coffee, at all, and he only likes it occasionally.

Unfortunately, he was out of soymilk, so he couldn�t make a chai latte for himself. I had milk, so I made some, just to give it a try, but I liked it so much, I ended up using over half of the carton before he got around to buying some almond milk. There was enough for him to make a couple of cups today, but last night, when it came out that I was drinking the stuff that I had bought for him, I apologized profusely and promised that I would bring home more chai latte mix after work.

He didn�t really mind, of course, that was just me feeling guilty.

Anyway, I had to go to Target for the Prilosec, and while I was there, I stocked up on the toiletries that are running low. I also bought a bunch of t-shirts and tank tops. Despite all clothing options that are out there, I still love the plain solid colored t-shirt.

I�d been avoiding buying clothes because I was confused about what to buy. Since I�d gained weight, I had no idea how to dress my newly old and fat body, and I wasn�t too interested in finding out. When forced to buy a few things, I went straight to frumpy. I was so accustomed to not having any visible fat that I couldn�t bear to show any, at all, even if that meant wearing a tent.

Of course, now I realize that I can still dress exactly the same way. After months of working out and monitoring my calories, I�ve managed a 5 pound weight loss. Although, that�s not verified because I just discovered it earlier this week, and it could have been a fluke. Anyway, if I count it, that only really puts me 10 pounds above my previous weight, which is really not a lot.

My problem with clothes has been that it�s all going into my bust and upper body. I feel like I�m carrying 90% of my fat in my upper arms alone.

I�ve always had to take care in finding tops because of my oxen-like German shoulders. The easiest way to accommodate my top-heavy self is a stretchy top. It can�t be just a little stretchy, either. Without enough stretch, if I buy a top large enough to accommodate my bust and shoulders, then any material below my breasts blouses away from my body in ridiculous proportions.

Anyway, Target always seems to deliver on the stretchy solid-colored t-shirts. They�re also cheap and hearty, which means not having to worry about taking care of them so much.

Since I�m no longer freaking out about being �fat� I can stop buying size Large and go back to buying size Small, again, because seriously, get a grip, lady.

Nearly all the anxiety I was feeling before about buying clothes has disappeared. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dress, and the number on the tag went back to being nearly meaningless to me (I�m talking size, not price. I got the dress for $20, WOO!). The only downside is that the damn thing has a back zipper that�s nearly impossible to reach. What is wrong with a side zipper? Is there some well-known side zipper problem that I don�t know about? As far as I�m concerned, every dress should be designed with the zipper on the side, not the back.

I bought the tank tops for working out, as well as hot summer days (like, today, for example). When it�s hot, I like to wear a tank top during my commute (or any post work activities), and bring a sweater or cardigan to put on while I�m in the office. That way, I don�t have to choose between freezing in the office, while wearing a flimsy top, or roasting outside, while wearing something heavier.

Alright, I better get back to work.

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