Sunday, I did about an hour and a half of yoga. Yesterday, I meditated for about twenty minutes. I didnít feel great after either exercise. This morning, I woke up feeling good. Finally!

It always takes me a few days, which can be so frustrating.

My brother sent me email talking about how heís angry with our dad. They had a heated email exchange that was a continuation of the argument that they had when my brother was home.

After I offered my opinion on it, bro sent me the actual exchange. Wow. My dad is such an ass!

My dad canít tolerate being challenged. My brother was challenging him, but he was being nice and sensitive about it.

Even though this wasnít the same thing, it reminded me my childhood. Iíd bring up an issue with him, and heíd do the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and saying, ďLA LALALALA LALA! I CANíT HEAR YOOOOOUUU!Ē

Eventually, Iíd give up, and then heíd take his fingers out of his ears and say something like, ďIsnít it great how we get along so well? We hardly ever fight.Ē

Maddening!

Itís enough to drive anyone bonkers. My mom lucked out with going schizophrenic early in their marriage.

After all of that, I was feeling anxious again. I did another 20 minutes of meditation, and I was struck by how vulnerable I am feeling. I feel like my skin is new and soft. Iím naked. Iím out in the woods, and there are lots of sharp objects around.

Itís amazing the kinds of things vulnerability will drive a person to do.

Iím feeling better this week than last week. Last week, I spent a lot of time resting and sleeping and not working out. At all.

Iíve actually managed to wrangle myself into a place where Iím in good enough shape that taking a week off will not bring me dire results.

A few weeks ago, I was complaining about being fat, again, but mostly in the context of my friends. When I first met my group of friends a few years ago, they were fit people. I was more like a machine. Now, itís the other way around. The p90x craze has hit them hard, and now they all look like machines. Iím relatively fit, but I still feel like a soft, fleshy blob.

I was complaining to Adam about how the standard is so high. How I feel like amongst them, even the tiniest amount of fat makes a body unacceptable.

Itís not like theyíre telling me that Iím fat or anything. Theyíre decent human beings. If they comment on my appearance, at all, itís to tell me that I look great.

That conversation resulted in me discussing my workout routine with Adam in more detail. He adjusted a few things, and I feel like Iím already getting better results. I made sure to tell him.

He worked as a personal trainer, but he hasnít been in the field for over ten years. Fitness is a field that changes rapidly, so Iím constantly questioning his advice, especially if it sounds fishy to me. I may be nothing more than a fitness enthusiast, but at least I make some kind of effort to keep up on the latest studies.

Itís not that I dismiss him entirely, but I do take it with a grain of salt. He knows this, so when he tells me something, and it works out, I want him to know.

In the case of some of my friends, theyíve just always looked amazing. Itís partially genetics and partially an active lifestyle. Theyíre the ones that would be annoying if they werenít so likeable, otherwise.

I read an unsubstantiated, highly speculative, silly article last week that said that women had the tendency to make friends with women who are about the same attractiveness level as themselves.

We supposedly do this because weíre expecting to attract a man who is about the same attractiveness level as ourselves, as well. When we go out with our friends, we donít want to be with someone who is a lot less attractive than us because thatíll scare off the men. We donít want to be with a friend who is a lot more attractive because then theyíll get all the attention. We want someone who is at the right level. Pretty enough so the men notice us, as a group, but not so pretty, sheís the only one theyíll want.

Itís a really stupid hypothesis, but if I spin it the right way, I can say that it means that my own friends think that Iím around the same attractiveness level as them. Considering how incredibly hot they are, I have to take that as a compliment.

1 comments so far

Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2011 at 2:45 PM