The job has really been getting me down, lately. There are quite a few factors contributing to it.

I think the main and first thing is that I don�t enjoy what I do. That�s important. I never have. But, I�ve always been one of those to put practicality above desire.

I discovered a few things during the past few weeks. First, I�m more valuable than I realized. That�s because I�ve never been devoted, and I�ve never been a ladder climber. As long as I make enough money to be comfortable, I�m content in my work. I don�t desire a fancy office or a corporate credit card, and ordering people around is so not fun to me.

To me, it was always a trade-off. I�d rather enjoy my personal time, leave work at work, and make a little less money than kill myself for my job, make gobs of money and never be able to enjoy any of it.

Due to some odd circumstances, my ability came clear to me, and to them. So, the responsibility piled on (not money or promotion, just responsibility). My direct manager now seems kind of scared of me. She was largely unaware of me before she suddenly became my manager.

I�m not interested in scaring people, but I�m not really interested in being more devoted, either, even if it did mean more incentive. Not that they�re offering, but I could demand it, I�m sure.

It�s not that I don�t know how to handle these things. I have more than enough experience to deal with anything that they throw at me. I just don�t want to. That�s kind of a big handicap.

Right before all of this happened, I was seriously thinking about visiting an acupuncture school that�s nearby. I don�t know if it would be the thing for me (hence the visit), and the program is quite intensive.

So, it�s not something to take lightly, and it would mean a major lifestyle change. I�d have to quit working. The lack of income would be a serious problem, since I�m already supporting one grad student. I own a house, and as most homeowners know, house expenses don�t end with the mortgage. There are always repairs and updates to be made.

Right now, I can�t even really spend the time to think about what I�d rather be doing. I can�t even find the time to visit the acupuncture school.

I�ve been thinking about it a lot during the past year or so, and I have determined that if I�m going to devote my time to something, I want my time to be devoted to healing. Not just my healing, but healing, in general. I think we need more people devoted to that cause.

It�s like healing is a bad word, in this culture. We�re constantly telling ourselves and each other to suck it up. You�re hurt? Walk it off. You�re in a bad spot? It�s your own doing.

Most of the time, we don�t even bother to find out why people feel bad or discontented, we just assume it�s their own failing.

I�m guilty of that, too. I�m a part of this culture.

I don�t think it�s to our advantage, anymore, though. That�s something that worked well when the survival of the species depended on ignoring our hurts and moving forward, anyway.

So, anyway, that�s what I want to spend my time on now, instead of this.

Obviously, there�s a lot more to discuss and think about, but I�m so wired and stressed that I can�t think clearly, right now.

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