The job has really been getting me down, lately. There are quite a few factors contributing to it.

I think the main and first thing is that I donít enjoy what I do. Thatís important. I never have. But, Iíve always been one of those to put practicality above desire.

I discovered a few things during the past few weeks. First, Iím more valuable than I realized. Thatís because Iíve never been devoted, and Iíve never been a ladder climber. As long as I make enough money to be comfortable, Iím content in my work. I donít desire a fancy office or a corporate credit card, and ordering people around is so not fun to me.

To me, it was always a trade-off. Iíd rather enjoy my personal time, leave work at work, and make a little less money than kill myself for my job, make gobs of money and never be able to enjoy any of it.

Due to some odd circumstances, my ability came clear to me, and to them. So, the responsibility piled on (not money or promotion, just responsibility). My direct manager now seems kind of scared of me. She was largely unaware of me before she suddenly became my manager.

Iím not interested in scaring people, but Iím not really interested in being more devoted, either, even if it did mean more incentive. Not that theyíre offering, but I could demand it, Iím sure.

Itís not that I donít know how to handle these things. I have more than enough experience to deal with anything that they throw at me. I just donít want to. Thatís kind of a big handicap.

Right before all of this happened, I was seriously thinking about visiting an acupuncture school thatís nearby. I donít know if it would be the thing for me (hence the visit), and the program is quite intensive.

So, itís not something to take lightly, and it would mean a major lifestyle change. Iíd have to quit working. The lack of income would be a serious problem, since Iím already supporting one grad student. I own a house, and as most homeowners know, house expenses donít end with the mortgage. There are always repairs and updates to be made.

Right now, I canít even really spend the time to think about what Iíd rather be doing. I canít even find the time to visit the acupuncture school.

Iíve been thinking about it a lot during the past year or so, and I have determined that if Iím going to devote my time to something, I want my time to be devoted to healing. Not just my healing, but healing, in general. I think we need more people devoted to that cause.

Itís like healing is a bad word, in this culture. Weíre constantly telling ourselves and each other to suck it up. Youíre hurt? Walk it off. Youíre in a bad spot? Itís your own doing.

Most of the time, we donít even bother to find out why people feel bad or discontented, we just assume itís their own failing.

Iím guilty of that, too. Iím a part of this culture.

I donít think itís to our advantage, anymore, though. Thatís something that worked well when the survival of the species depended on ignoring our hurts and moving forward, anyway.

So, anyway, thatís what I want to spend my time on now, instead of this.

Obviously, thereís a lot more to discuss and think about, but Iím so wired and stressed that I canít think clearly, right now.

0 comments so far

Monday, Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:45 PM