This is my second entry of the day (if you count the last 24 hours as a day.)
Things are changing in a tangible way over here. During the last month or so, it suddenly hit me that I need a career change. Itís not even that I want a career change. Every minute that Iím at work, Iím overwhelmed with the strong feeling that I donít belong there.
Iím not posting this on my healing blog, yet, because Iíve been debating about whether or not I want to try to increase traffic there and whether or not to associate it my real name. So, Iím trying to be careful about what I make public and what I donít, for now. Maybe Iím foolish, but this place feels safe to me. Maybe itís because I know how little traffic I get, here.
Anyway, along with the feeling that I am in the wrong career, I also had a gut feeling about the right career. Itís probably obvious; I want to work in alternative medicine. I want to be a healer of some sort.
You know, when people on TV say such-and-such is a calling? I never knew what was meant by that. What is a calling? How can you just know that youíre supposed to do something? Well, I found out. One day, it just hit me.
My personality type is INFP, and INFP career suggestions match healer type roles. Ironically, Iíd also taken a career placement type test when I was in high school. It gave me similar suggestions, but I wasnít happy with the results. I wanted money and power, not warm fuzzy feelings.
I think that was just a consequence of having grown up poor and with very little parental support. When one grows up poor, it takes a long time for the sting of going-without to heal. It takes a long time to get over the idea that not having a ton of money doesnít mean that youíre destitute, too. It is possible to cut back and live frugally without being on the street, right? At least, thatís what Iíve heard.
Adam has been totally supportive. Heís even looked into programs and giving me lots of suggestions and encouragement. There is one graduate program in the area that offers education in alternative medicine. There are a few options there, including learning acupuncture. Iíve decided that acupuncture is not my thing, but Iím not completely ruling it out, either.
Weíre going to visit the school tonight and Iím kind of terrified that it might not be suitable for me. Itís the only place in the area, and the US is not exactly teeming over with alternative medicine education programs.
I called Adam up to tell him that I woke myself up at 4:30 in the morning because I suddenly became so anxious about the possibility that I wonít like the program. He reassured me that weíll do whatever it takes, even if that means moving, to make my career change happen. I donít really want to move. Well, I do want to move. I just donít want to have to deal with two major changes at once. Iíd rather deal with the career change and then deal with moving later.
Then later, I realized that this is the first time in my life that I have person that I can call and say things like, ďI woke myself up last night becauseÖĒ or ďIím feeling anxious because I had this visionÖĒ or ďI have the WEIRDEST feeling that...Ē and he actually listens and takes me seriously. Heís not a magical god of listening or anything, but he puts effort into being a good listener. Iíd never previously had anyone in my life that let my stuff be important. Itís not 100% of the time, but it is actually allowed, which is totally new, for me.
Iím not saying Iíve been the victim. A lot of it has to do with how I set up expectations.
Itís the olí INFP thing coming out, on its own. Serving others is my natural inclination, whether thatís my intention or not. So, not only would I set up that expectation from the beginning of any relationship, but Iíd also attract people who expected to be the main characters. They were the people that mattered, and I was the supporting cast.
The only problem was that I had a lot of conflicted feelings and thoughts regarding myself and others. I have a lot of my own issues and baggage that needs consideration before I can move forward, and I probably always will.
I obviously like the idea of helping others. If not, I wouldnít want this career change, in the first place.
Iíve learned that thereís a lot of ways helping can go horribly wrong. Itís not always the selfish nature of the person being helped, either. People who help are also often co-dependents for some reason or another.
So, over the past couple of years, Iíve been learning about how to make it go right. So far, Iíve learned that it must be fulfilling for both the helper and the person being helped. Both parties should recognize that the goal for the person being helped is to eventually be independent (or dead, but letís hope it doesnít come to that).
|Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2012 at 2:58 PM|