My fears about not liking the local program were confirmed. Iíd wanted to like it because it would be so easy. Once again, there was something deep down inside telling me that I could not compromise here. It was the same voice that Iíd awakened in me that told me that I couldnít do this kind of work, anymore.
During this upheaval and change of plans, the drawbacks of my personality type are starting to be really apparent. Itís also becoming apparent how I ended up here.
Here I am, a dreamer, a spatial thinker, a sensitive and emotional person and I work asÖ an analyst? I never understood it, myself, but Iím beginning to understand it now. There are two things that guided my choices. The first, I desperately wanted to please my dad. I spent much of my time operating under the misconception that there was something that I could do that would earn his love. Once I hit my teens, Iíd intellectually figured out that was impossible, but it took a while for my heart to catch up to that realization.
I continued on that trajectory, trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be, which was analytical, logical, linear and most of all, not a burden.
Because Iím not really a systematic person, I just went where the wind took me, career-wise. Dot-com boom? I worked for a dot-com. Dot-com crash? I took those skills and applied them at the first place that would hire me. My career continued in that fashion. Rather than choosing my own path, I just did what I thought was expected of me. I did what other people did. Except, I donít have their passion nor drive because it isnít what I really wanted to do.
I couldnít really take any risks on myself because another thing that my dad taught me, and thatís that I canít rely on anyone. That meant making my own money and never, ever putting my livelihood at risk.
Oddly, I am good at what I do. I think thatís partially because I can bring a different perspective to the table. The other big thing is that I donít make my job about my ego. Iíve seen people shoot themselves in the foot over and over again because theyíre proud to learn from anyone else, wonít take advice, and expect the world to arrange itself around them on a daily basis. Also, I donít like to say this because I feel like Iím jinxing myself, but... I have the tendency to excel at whatever Iím doing.
Why does this sudden need for change make my personality draw-backs apparent? Well, when I decided that I needed the change, I had no idea where to start. The thought of researching schools, finding financial aid, and figuring out all the grad-school details was overwhelming.
When I found a school that I thought might be a possible option, rather than looking at the programs in more detail or looking at course descriptions, I started looking up housing prices in the area of the school. Adam stopped me (after he saw that I was about to have a meltdown over the prices) and asked me why I was 13 steps ahead of myself in the process.
The more I think about it, the more silly I feel for trying to keep doing this job once it started getting too stressful, for me. The more I do it, the more I know, the better I am, and the more responsibility Iím given. Normally, thatís how people want their careers to go, but for me, the more responsibility Iím given, the worse I feel.
Oh, and this all started because I decided that I needed to do some serious healing and re-balance myself. People rarely balance out in a graceful way. Imagine a (sealed) half-full bottle of water, and then imagine what happens when it is tipped on its side. The water doesnít gently settle, it splashes around and sways back and forth before it comes to rest with a flat surface. Thatís kind of what happens with people, except people donít balance out instantaneously. It takes a while.
In reality, nothing real has happened, yet, but I feel like the world has gone crazy. This has been Adamís time to shine. Heís been organizing these details in a way that wonít make me crazy. This allows me time to give my mind a rest, and wait for him to provide answers.
Now, Iím almost positive that Iíve found the school that I want to attend. The awesome thing? A lot of the classes are taught online; enough that, for the first year, or maybe even more, I wouldnít have to move.
Whatís even better? I chose the program and Adam found out most of the core requirements and did the research to find out how many of those classes are taught online.
Last night, I said to Adam, ďI just want to know two things. ĎCan I go there?í and ĎWhen can I quit my job?íĒ
He nodded sagely and said, ďIíll have an answer for you within the next few days.Ē
I need so much help, right now, because, like I mentioned above, I feel like the world has gone crazy. Also, my internal energy is splashing around like the water in a bottle thatís being used as a badminton birdie, and Iíve reached my breaking point at work.
I think itís important to note that I donít feel like Iím making this move out of desperation. The hairier things get at work, the more I discover that Iím much more capable than I think I am. These feelings of capability have been inspiring me to speculate about what I could do if I were actually working on something I cared about. Iíve been coming up with positive feelings and good answers.
And, as if I wasnít giving myself enough to worry about, Iím been stressing about whether or not Iíll have the integrity to continue doing a good job at work during the interim of this transition.
|Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2012 at 6:30 PM|