My fears about not liking the local program were confirmed. I�d wanted to like it because it would be so easy. Once again, there was something deep down inside telling me that I could not compromise here. It was the same voice that I�d awakened in me that told me that I couldn�t do this kind of work, anymore.

During this upheaval and change of plans, the drawbacks of my personality type are starting to be really apparent. It�s also becoming apparent how I ended up here.

Here I am, a dreamer, a spatial thinker, a sensitive and emotional person and I work as� an analyst? I never understood it, myself, but I�m beginning to understand it now. There are two things that guided my choices. The first, I desperately wanted to please my dad. I spent much of my time operating under the misconception that there was something that I could do that would earn his love. Once I hit my teens, I�d intellectually figured out that was impossible, but it took a while for my heart to catch up to that realization.

I continued on that trajectory, trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be, which was analytical, logical, linear and most of all, not a burden.

Because I�m not really a systematic person, I just went where the wind took me, career-wise. Dot-com boom? I worked for a dot-com. Dot-com crash? I took those skills and applied them at the first place that would hire me. My career continued in that fashion. Rather than choosing my own path, I just did what I thought was expected of me. I did what other people did. Except, I don�t have their passion nor drive because it isn�t what I really wanted to do.

I couldn�t really take any risks on myself because another thing that my dad taught me, and that�s that I can�t rely on anyone. That meant making my own money and never, ever putting my livelihood at risk.

Oddly, I am good at what I do. I think that�s partially because I can bring a different perspective to the table. The other big thing is that I don�t make my job about my ego. I�ve seen people shoot themselves in the foot over and over again because they�re proud to learn from anyone else, won�t take advice, and expect the world to arrange itself around them on a daily basis. Also, I don�t like to say this because I feel like I�m jinxing myself, but... I have the tendency to excel at whatever I�m doing.

Why does this sudden need for change make my personality draw-backs apparent? Well, when I decided that I needed the change, I had no idea where to start. The thought of researching schools, finding financial aid, and figuring out all the grad-school details was overwhelming.

When I found a school that I thought might be a possible option, rather than looking at the programs in more detail or looking at course descriptions, I started looking up housing prices in the area of the school. Adam stopped me (after he saw that I was about to have a meltdown over the prices) and asked me why I was 13 steps ahead of myself in the process.

The more I think about it, the more silly I feel for trying to keep doing this job once it started getting too stressful, for me. The more I do it, the more I know, the better I am, and the more responsibility I�m given. Normally, that�s how people want their careers to go, but for me, the more responsibility I�m given, the worse I feel.

Oh, and this all started because I decided that I needed to do some serious healing and re-balance myself. People rarely balance out in a graceful way. Imagine a (sealed) half-full bottle of water, and then imagine what happens when it is tipped on its side. The water doesn�t gently settle, it splashes around and sways back and forth before it comes to rest with a flat surface. That�s kind of what happens with people, except people don�t balance out instantaneously. It takes a while.

In reality, nothing real has happened, yet, but I feel like the world has gone crazy. This has been Adam�s time to shine. He�s been organizing these details in a way that won�t make me crazy. This allows me time to give my mind a rest, and wait for him to provide answers.

Now, I�m almost positive that I�ve found the school that I want to attend. The awesome thing? A lot of the classes are taught online; enough that, for the first year, or maybe even more, I wouldn�t have to move.

What�s even better? I chose the program and Adam found out most of the core requirements and did the research to find out how many of those classes are taught online.

Last night, I said to Adam, �I just want to know two things. �Can I go there?� and �When can I quit my job?��

He nodded sagely and said, �I�ll have an answer for you within the next few days.�

I need so much help, right now, because, like I mentioned above, I feel like the world has gone crazy. Also, my internal energy is splashing around like the water in a bottle that�s being used as a badminton birdie, and I�ve reached my breaking point at work.

I think it�s important to note that I don�t feel like I�m making this move out of desperation. The hairier things get at work, the more I discover that I�m much more capable than I think I am. These feelings of capability have been inspiring me to speculate about what I could do if I were actually working on something I cared about. I�ve been coming up with positive feelings and good answers.

And, as if I wasn�t giving myself enough to worry about, I�m been stressing about whether or not I�ll have the integrity to continue doing a good job at work during the interim of this transition.

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